Friendship issues

[Stephanie]

So, I joined this forum, I guess I oughta get to the point why I'm here already. Putting this in words isn't so easy, but I will do my best. This is going to be a wall o' text so if you don't want to read a long post, move along. Nothing to see here.

My worst issue is friendships, thus, the loneliness. I've been lonely for as long as I can remember, even when I had friends. It took me years to figure out that I wanted a close confidante with whom I was their #1 friend and they were mine. That type of exclusivity is neither realistic, warranted or even particularly healthy. But that's what I've wanted for the last 2 decades.

I've had short periods of where I had a close confidant(e) but those times have never lasted and I was never truly the #1 confidante. I have a friend now with whom I used to be the #1 confidante, but am not now and that has caused me unspeakable emotional anguish. I do not like being #2 or even lower on the list. But it seems foolish to give up a friendship because I'm no longer #1. We're still very good friends, probably even considered best friends, but feeling like I'm not the #1 best friend has been painful. So, then I deal with the pain and I feel like a jerk because I wonder how much of it is just me being too nosy and how much is why aren't I being told some things that you would normally tell a best friend? I don't really expect to be told everything. Everyone needs privacy; I know that on an intellectual level, but I cannot seem to "know" that on an emotional level.

I want to know everything all the time and if I don't, I feel slighted. It's an unrealistic expectation and I know that, but I cannot seem to shut it off though it's not from lack of trying. I guess maybe I just don't know how to shut it off. What is worse is that I know that knowing everything isn't always in a person's best interest. There are some things people just don't need to know and maybe even are better off not knowing. I know that on an intellectual level too, but still, I cannot shake the feeling that I'm being slighted though I know I'm not.

I cannot get my heart to understand what my brain understands.

Does anyone else have similar feelings? If so, how do you cope? Do you step on your friends' toes too much or do you just suffer silently? It would help just knowing that I'm not the only one who is going through this.

 

[Mary Mary]

I think it's fantastic that you're able to stand outside yourself and make objective assessments of your emotional states.

I also think it's natural for women to have some social competitiveness, so you're feelings aren't abnormal.

I think to just keep reminding yourself of the intellectual truth will help your heart to understand over time. (How old are you?)

If this issue is causing you a lot of anguish that you think is beyond normal, see a therapist.

 

[Stephanie]

I'm 36 though closing in on 37.

 

[Mary Mary]

I'm 36 though closing in on 37.

That explains your great insight into your inner landscape; but if you haven't gotten beyond the social competitiveness by now, then as a layman I would guess that there's an underlying issue that's causing you to feel that way.

What do you think is driving that competitiveness? Look deep into your mind. Don't worry if it doesn't make sense. When you feel that competitiveness, are you able to access the tape that's playing underneath?

 

[Stephanie]

I guess I should've added this to my above post, but for some reason I didn't though I can't explain why. I think I already know the root of it - it's the need to feel important. My parents had me late in life - they were 39 when I was born - and by then, they had already raised 6 kids and were just plain old tired out. So, as a child, I felt like a bother to them because they just wanted to relax and do their thing without having to raise another young child (I can't say I blame them). I understand that and have forgiven them that - I know they didn't do that on purpose - but I am still struggling with the sense that I'm a bother to everyone. So, being #2 makes me feel less important than being #1 and it's a slight that I take too much to heart.

I just don't know how to overcome it.

 

[Stephanie]

Mary Mary,

I hadn't even thought of the social competition aspect of it and it made me think on that a bit. I am still analyzing it, but it's helped put some things in perspective. So, thanks!

 

[Mary Mary]

Mary Mary,

I hadn't even thought of the social competition aspect of it and it made me think on that a bit. I am still analyzing it, but it's helped put some things in perspective. So, thanks!

Hi Stephanie,

I've been thinking about this.

I don't think it's social competitiveness. You're too insightful. It's probably real pain.

Let's say you have a very good friend, and you spend a lot of time together; however, you notice that she's starting to spend more time with someone else.

Then, that tape starts to play. What are the exact words that it's saying to you? If you could put the message in one or two sentences, what would it be?

 

[Stephanie]

Yeah, I've been doing some more thinking on this actually. I'm not really socially competitive because I don't get jealous in the sense that I hold myself to others' standards. I just have very high standards for myself and sometimes I fall short of them and beat myself up for it. As for the tape message, it would probably be: "I'm not a good enough friend. I have to work harder at it."

 

[Mary Mary]

Yeah, I've been doing some more thinking on this actually. I'm not really socially competitive because I don't get jealous in the sense that I hold myself to others' standards. I just have very high standards for myself and sometimes I fall short of them and beat myself up for it. As for the tape message, it would probably be: "I'm not a good enough friend. I have to work harder at it."

A couple of questions. Is that how you felt with your parents, like they weren't as attentive because you weren't good enough and you needed to try harder?

Also, think of the situation above (or whatever provokes these feelings). What's a more realistic statement? You said that the tape says you're not a good enough friend; but what's the truth.

For example, I used to have a tape that said if I made a mistake at work, the company would get sued, we'd all lose our jobs, and it would be all my fault.

However, the truthful statement was "it would just embarrass the company a bit". You can see it's not a totally positive statement, but the truth is usually better than the distortion that we beat ourselves up with.

If you could sum it up in one or two sentences, what would be the truth of the situation?

 

[Stephanie]

Well, with my parents, I don't think it was so much I wasn't good enough. I think it was just that they had me late in their lives and had already raised 6 kids and were just plain old tired out and didn't want the bother of raising another. They just wanted to do their own thing. I've forgiven my parents that actually. I know they didn't do it on purpose and frankly, I don't blame them. If I'd been them and had a kid at 39 years old, I can't say I wouldn't have done the same thing they did (though I hope I wouldn't). The understanding I have of their points of view has allowed me to forgive them; I am just still working on learning the new tape.

As for getting closer to the truth of the situation, I think I'm going to need to think on that some more before I can sum it up in a few sentences. Right now I can think of about a half-dozen, but I think as I dig deeper, I can pare that down.

Thanks for the food for thought.

 

[edgecrusher]

i have always kind of been the same way with the one close friend thing. every friend i have ever had like that has left me in one way or another. in high school it was because they decied to get into drugs or hang out with the "cool kids." as an adult its because they always move away from here. cant say i blame them honestly. this place is lame. my current friend like that just officially moved out of state now so we will see how that changes things. i am honestly over the whole friends thing to be honest. im to the point where if i make one then great. if not then oh well. it would be nice however to find that special someone. id like to experience that kind of love and a realtionship atleast once in my life.

 

[Sci-Fi]

Can't say I ever had the need to be someone's #1, it's nice when it happens but I always figured that people had other friends before me they knew longer. I don't like being the odd man out, where everyone know except you. I had a friend who did that just to hurt me. I've had 3 #1's in my life that I would tell things too. The first one came after we grew apart, he started to become more of a jerk because of who he was hanging around with. One day he realized he went too far and apologized, after that we were really good friends. He saw what the other friend I mentioned was doing to me and would put his attention on me, which made my other friend jealous because she was losing control. I wish I had kept in touch with him, he was a good friend.

The second person I would confide things in went through some serious crap with me, we were each others crutch. The place we worked was pure hell, we had a horrible, manipulative, deceptive, boss. He told me things that he never told anyone else because we had a lot in common. Unfortunately, even with me knowing how he was, he did stab me in the back. It's sad when you see the knife coming but do nothing to prevent it. After that, and because of who we worked for I lost trust in people, still don't trust people.

The third person was the first friend I literally told almost everything too. She wanted me to believe I could trust her and she would never hurt me. Our feels went beyond friendship but I never let them progress much more than attraction to each other, even though she often tried to force it. She had other stuff she needed to deal with. Eventually she did break a promise she made to me one she swore to, proving to me that I couldn't even trust her.

My other friends I've never really told a lot of personal things to like these three. Mostly out of fear because I'm afraid if I do I'll either lose touch with them, they'll stab me in the back, or betray a promise. That's my story of friendship issues.

 

[Stephanie]

Thanks for sharing your story, Sci-Fi. It's relatable and sad. I've also been betrayed by former friends; telling secrets and stuff. It sometimes seems like very few people know how to be a friend. I look back and realize that no one ever teaches us how to be a friend. It's sort of something we learn as we go and pick up along the way. And then we wonder why we can't trust anyone. If no one is teaching people what it means to be a good friend, is it any wonder that most never learn. Hmm, food for thought.

 

[LGH1288]

Hi Stephanie -- Possible interpersonal attributes such as "unconditional love", "total acceptance" and "complete trust" come into my mind when describing friendship. Yes, I'm purposefully exaggerating the intensity of these attributes because I'm trying to describe the urgency in the level of a person's need. The degree of intensity a person might assign to each of these attributes and their relative importance will obviously differ among various people, and will probably wax and wane in any given individual. Just a theory of mine. LG

 

[HappyYogi]

I guess I should've added this to my above post, but for some reason I didn't though I can't explain why. I think I already know the root of it - it's the need to feel important. My parents had me late in life - they were 39 when I was born - and by then, they had already raised 6 kids and were just plain old tired out. So, as a child, I felt like a bother to them because they just wanted to relax and do their thing without having to raise another young child (I can't say I blame them). I understand that and have forgiven them that - I know they didn't do that on purpose - but I am still struggling with the sense that I'm a bother to everyone. So, being #2 makes me feel less important than being #1 and it's a slight that I take too much to heart.

I just don't know how to overcome it.

I just want to share I grew up the same way. Mother had me past 40, was not into mothering AT ALL, was left alone and neglected a lot because of it and yes, I have felt like a bother or not important most of my life. I know it has effected my self esteem all my life.

As to your question...I guess I do also at times feel a twinge of jealousy if a friend I like a lot has a friend they like more than me but I guess I just appreciate what we have and assume it is special in it's own way and/or that other friend is filling them up in ways I can't but that is OK. It doesn't mean I can't have some of them or get support or love.

I would suggest going beyond the #1 or #2 friend qualifiers and just appreciate what you have. After all, everyday is different. One day you might be the fav the next day not...but then you may have someone new to talk to.

 

[Stephanie]

I just want to share I grew up the same way. Mother had me past 40, was not into mothering AT ALL, was left alone and neglected a lot because of it and yes, I have felt like a bother or not important most of my life. I know it has effected my self esteem all my life.

As to your question...I guess I do also at times feel a twinge of jealousy if a friend I like a lot has a friend they like more than me but I guess I just appreciate what we have and assume it is special in it's own way and/or that other friend is filling them up in ways I can't but that is OK. It doesn't mean I can't have some of them or get support or love.

I would suggest going beyond the #1 or #2 friend qualifiers and just appreciate what you have. After all, everyday is different. One day you might be the fav the next day not...but then you may have someone new to talk to.

Thank you so much for replying, Happy Yogi. Your post seemed to echo everything I've been thinking deep down and was a comfort to know that I'm not alone and that someone had already figured out what I am just now figuring out. I still have a long way to go, but I will be thinking about your words for a long time, I'm sure.

LGH, I'm not ignoring your post; but what you said provoked some deep thoughts that I am not done with and not ready to share either publicly on the forum or privately with you. Rest assured that I will though...just can't do it just yet.