Stephanie
Well-known member
So, I joined this forum, I guess I oughta get to the point why I'm here already. Putting this in words isn't so easy, but I will do my best. This is going to be a wall o' text so if you don't want to read a long post, move along. Nothing to see here.
My worst issue is friendships, thus, the loneliness. I've been lonely for as long as I can remember, even when I had friends. It took me years to figure out that I wanted a close confidante with whom I was their #1 friend and they were mine. That type of exclusivity is neither realistic, warranted or even particularly healthy. But that's what I've wanted for the last 2 decades.
I've had short periods of where I had a close confidant(e) but those times have never lasted and I was never truly the #1 confidante. I have a friend now with whom I used to be the #1 confidante, but am not now and that has caused me unspeakable emotional anguish. I do not like being #2 or even lower on the list. But it seems foolish to give up a friendship because I'm no longer #1. We're still very good friends, probably even considered best friends, but feeling like I'm not the #1 best friend has been painful. So, then I deal with the pain and I feel like a jerk because I wonder how much of it is just me being too nosy and how much is why aren't I being told some things that you would normally tell a best friend? I don't really expect to be told everything. Everyone needs privacy; I know that on an intellectual level, but I cannot seem to "know" that on an emotional level.
I want to know everything all the time and if I don't, I feel slighted. It's an unrealistic expectation and I know that, but I cannot seem to shut it off though it's not from lack of trying. I guess maybe I just don't know how to shut it off. What is worse is that I know that knowing everything isn't always in a person's best interest. There are some things people just don't need to know and maybe even are better off not knowing. I know that on an intellectual level too, but still, I cannot shake the feeling that I'm being slighted though I know I'm not.
I cannot get my heart to understand what my brain understands.
Does anyone else have similar feelings? If so, how do you cope? Do you step on your friends' toes too much or do you just suffer silently? It would help just knowing that I'm not the only one who is going through this.
My worst issue is friendships, thus, the loneliness. I've been lonely for as long as I can remember, even when I had friends. It took me years to figure out that I wanted a close confidante with whom I was their #1 friend and they were mine. That type of exclusivity is neither realistic, warranted or even particularly healthy. But that's what I've wanted for the last 2 decades.
I've had short periods of where I had a close confidant(e) but those times have never lasted and I was never truly the #1 confidante. I have a friend now with whom I used to be the #1 confidante, but am not now and that has caused me unspeakable emotional anguish. I do not like being #2 or even lower on the list. But it seems foolish to give up a friendship because I'm no longer #1. We're still very good friends, probably even considered best friends, but feeling like I'm not the #1 best friend has been painful. So, then I deal with the pain and I feel like a jerk because I wonder how much of it is just me being too nosy and how much is why aren't I being told some things that you would normally tell a best friend? I don't really expect to be told everything. Everyone needs privacy; I know that on an intellectual level, but I cannot seem to "know" that on an emotional level.
I want to know everything all the time and if I don't, I feel slighted. It's an unrealistic expectation and I know that, but I cannot seem to shut it off though it's not from lack of trying. I guess maybe I just don't know how to shut it off. What is worse is that I know that knowing everything isn't always in a person's best interest. There are some things people just don't need to know and maybe even are better off not knowing. I know that on an intellectual level too, but still, I cannot shake the feeling that I'm being slighted though I know I'm not.
I cannot get my heart to understand what my brain understands.
Does anyone else have similar feelings? If so, how do you cope? Do you step on your friends' toes too much or do you just suffer silently? It would help just knowing that I'm not the only one who is going through this.