Hi there - my name is Matthew aka Bulwulff and I'm 39 years old. I'm single, and have been for well over 10, very lonely years. I'm here because I, frankly, have no one to turn to who would bother to listen, let alone care and I'm at my wits end and spiraling deeper into a rather dark depression.
I'm educated with two degree's, one a Masters, successful in my current career and financially stable and what some would call successful. I'm in decent shape, fairly attractive or so I'm told, and I have a smile on my face always. I laugh, make semi-creative and entertaining jokes and have an amazing personality even though I'm also a bit eccentric. I have a lot going for me. My one wish in life is to start and raise a family - I'd make an amazing father. I'm open about my feelings, freely share my thoughts and communicate, and am always willing to help others and protect those I care about. I served in the US Army and deployed overseas in Afghanistan and survived shrapnel, and I've survived pancreatic cancer too. My over 40 vest is going to be rocking all sorts of medals!
Jokes aside - I know I have a lot going for me. And maybe that's why it hurts all the more. If I had issues or was immature or irresponsible, or didn't care for my body or my health, or any such things then I'd be able to rationalize why I'm alone. I find myself looking hard to find fault in someone who's worked their entire life trying to be the perfect mate for someone special. Some...understanding to answer the big question: why?
Lately, I've been going to bed while holding a large pillow and shed a few tears while wondering to myself why? Why can someone who's on drugs, abuses women and disrespects them have kids and become a "baby daddy" while I, who's dream it is to have my own children, must suffer alone and watch my dream fade.
I've been alone for many many years. I am surrounded by friends but that just makes me feel lonelier, especially when their boyfriends/girlfriends or wives hug and kiss them. I don't remember what a loving hug is like. Hell I'm pretty sure I have no idea what love is. Almost a year on dating sites and nothing there - trips to bars only leads to me being taken advantage of and left forgotten..it's not from a lack of trying - its like life is set on punishing me, for what I don't know.
Sorry - this turned more into a vent than anything. I hope I'm in the right spot and maybe, just maybe, I'll find someone who understands and might have some quality advice and not just "give it time" because I have, and time has only caused more pain and more loss.
There's a lot going on, and to really understand I am willing to share if anyone wishes to know more. Otherwise I'll stalk quietly in the background and perhaps find a kindred soul.
I'm educated with two degree's, one a Masters, successful in my current career and financially stable and what some would call successful. I'm in decent shape, fairly attractive or so I'm told, and I have a smile on my face always. I laugh, make semi-creative and entertaining jokes and have an amazing personality even though I'm also a bit eccentric. I have a lot going for me. My one wish in life is to start and raise a family - I'd make an amazing father. I'm open about my feelings, freely share my thoughts and communicate, and am always willing to help others and protect those I care about. I served in the US Army and deployed overseas in Afghanistan and survived shrapnel, and I've survived pancreatic cancer too. My over 40 vest is going to be rocking all sorts of medals!
Jokes aside - I know I have a lot going for me. And maybe that's why it hurts all the more. If I had issues or was immature or irresponsible, or didn't care for my body or my health, or any such things then I'd be able to rationalize why I'm alone. I find myself looking hard to find fault in someone who's worked their entire life trying to be the perfect mate for someone special. Some...understanding to answer the big question: why?
Lately, I've been going to bed while holding a large pillow and shed a few tears while wondering to myself why? Why can someone who's on drugs, abuses women and disrespects them have kids and become a "baby daddy" while I, who's dream it is to have my own children, must suffer alone and watch my dream fade.
I've been alone for many many years. I am surrounded by friends but that just makes me feel lonelier, especially when their boyfriends/girlfriends or wives hug and kiss them. I don't remember what a loving hug is like. Hell I'm pretty sure I have no idea what love is. Almost a year on dating sites and nothing there - trips to bars only leads to me being taken advantage of and left forgotten..it's not from a lack of trying - its like life is set on punishing me, for what I don't know.
Sorry - this turned more into a vent than anything. I hope I'm in the right spot and maybe, just maybe, I'll find someone who understands and might have some quality advice and not just "give it time" because I have, and time has only caused more pain and more loss.
There's a lot going on, and to really understand I am willing to share if anyone wishes to know more. Otherwise I'll stalk quietly in the background and perhaps find a kindred soul.