Help improving social skills

[VeganAtheist]

Greetings,

I have recently joined a sports league that a friend of mine was in. I have only hung out with them three times but it seems that I have been accepted, to an extent. The problem is that I seriously lack social skills. Seriously. Most of the time, I sit there quiet and people watch. I don't mind the silence. I like it, in fact. But I think I come across as odd/awkward.

A woman was actually flirting with me and I could tell that she was getting frustrated that I wasn't doing more. I didn't know what to do!
I don't want to miss out again.

 

[Peaches]

one all purpose tip: if you don't know what to say, ask her questions! She will love you for that, and will think that you are a very interesting person. Prepare some questions beforehand so you know they will be right mix between personal and playful

 

[jjessea]

Theatre. Get into theatre. I'm thinking about it because those I've spoken to before say it's a godsend for social anxiety. They say it's like volunteering to star in your own worst nightmare, but then regular social interactions feel like they've had the volume turned down

 

[ShybutHi]

one all purpose tip: if you don't know what to say, ask her questions! She will love you for that, and will think that you are a very interesting person. Prepare some questions beforehand so you know they will be right mix between personal and playful

I think peaches is right there.

From the point of view of someone who used to be really socially anxious, I know it is difficult. Questions are certainly a good thing to start with and then try and go with the flow. It takes two to tango and sometimes if someone does not reciprocate then conversation can die so just make sure you are asking some questions and commenting on things.
I always joke a bit and make silly comments on things, even if I don't know the person. The kind of friendly comment about something which does not necessarily require a response you know. I think if you do that, as long as it is friendly with a smile, then it generally comes off as welcoming and I would guess people like the acknowledgment by you that they are there and have their own opinions on things.

I did this kind of thing once in a formal situation with an attractive lady, saw her 4 times. Funny thing is after the first time I saw her she was very smiley and friendly towards me more so than the first and started asking me things here and there. She even made a comment saying it was a good job I was there even though I had not necessarily helped with anything. lol
She also kept touching me with her leg under the table, I pulled away each time... Whether it was by accident or not I don't know, because she was sitting close as we were working on something together. I really do wonder if she was flirting or not or if all that was just being friendly because she did seem like a naturally friendly person. I kind of regret not asking if she would like to meet up because she was very attractive. Oh well.

 

[Tealeaf]

http://succeedsocially.com
http://www.positivityblog.com/index...top-10-tips-for-improving-your-social-skills/

The biggest factor tends to be experience and feedback, I think. Guides are no replacement for developing a sense for how people are feeling, what they might want to talk about, etc.

I have two friends offline but can chat wherever I like as much as I like, so take my advice with a grain of salt.

Being interested in others (to get them interested in you) has very rarely worked for me, by the way, so exercise caution with that old piece of wisdom.

 

[ardour]

one all purpose tip: if you don't know what to say, ask her questions! She will love you for that, and will think that you are a very interesting person. Prepare some questions beforehand so you know they will be right mix between personal and playful

Falling back on questions as if it were more of an interview than a conversation, that can establish a one-way dynamic which could be quite frustrating for him further on. She should be asking questions too, then both people can at least talk about themselves.

 

[Tiina63]

Yes, asking questions only takes you so far. I have been in situations where I have asked the other person questions and they have answered but didn't ask me any in return. It made me feel after a while that they were not interested in me at all. (Maybe they weren't!!) At the same time, asking a few questions may help break the ice but, if it turns in to what comes to feel like an interview, I would then stop asking.

 

[VeganAtheist]

one all purpose tip: if you don't know what to say, ask her questions! She will love you for that, and will think that you are a very interesting person. Prepare some questions beforehand so you know they will be right mix between personal and playful

Beforehand preparation may be the key for me. It is difficult for me to think of questions on the fly when I am in that situation. My mind goes blank. Thanks!

Theatre. Get into theatre. I'm thinking about it because those I've spoken to before say it's a godsend for social anxiety. They say it's like volunteering to star in your own worst nightmare, but then regular social interactions feel like they've had the volume turned down

You know... that is a fuckin' fantastic idea! Seriously!
I think I can do an improv class and achieve great results. I will have to check on Groupon right away. Thanks!

I think peaches is right there.

From the point of view of someone who used to be really socially anxious, I know it is difficult. Questions are certainly a good thing to start with and then try and go with the flow. It takes two to tango and sometimes if someone does not reciprocate then conversation can die so just make sure you are asking some questions and commenting on things.
I always joke a bit and make silly comments on things, even if I don't know the person. The kind of friendly comment about something which does not necessarily require a response you know. I think if you do that, as long as it is friendly with a smile, then it generally comes off as welcoming and I would guess people like the acknowledgment by you that they are there and have their own opinions on things.

I did this kind of thing once in a formal situation with an attractive lady, saw her 4 times. Funny thing is after the first time I saw her she was very smiley and friendly towards me more so than the first and started asking me things here and there. She even made a comment saying it was a good job I was there even though I had not necessarily helped with anything. lol
She also kept touching me with her leg under the table, I pulled away each time... Whether it was by accident or not I don't know, because she was sitting close as we were working on something together. I really do wonder if she was flirting or not or if all that was just being friendly because she did seem like a naturally friendly person. I kind of regret not asking if she would like to meet up because she was very attractive. Oh well.

I think she was flirting with you.

I have to get to that point where I can do this comfortably. I try to gauge people for a while to see where their comfort level is and then get to the silly/jokey comments. By then, they probably have lost any interest.

http://succeedsocially.com
http://www.positivityblog.com/index...top-10-tips-for-improving-your-social-skills/

The biggest factor tends to be experience and feedback, I think. Guides are no replacement for developing a sense for how people are feeling, what they might want to talk about, etc.

I have two friends offline but can chat wherever I like as much as I like, so take my advice with a grain of salt.

Being interested in others (to get them interested in you) has very rarely worked for me, by the way, so exercise caution with that old piece of wisdom.

Thanks for the links.
You are right - Guides aren't a replacement. It is putting what you learned into practice, which is much harder than it seems, at least for me.

Falling back on questions as if it were more of an interview than a conversation, that can establish a one-way dynamic which could be quite frustrating for him further on. She should be asking questions too, then both people can at least talk about themselves.

In this instance, she was actually asking a few questions. I flubbed them pretty bad. She actually just walked away after I answered one question - but she kept flirting with me all night.

Yes, asking questions only takes you so far. I have been in situations where I have asked the other person questions and they have answered but didn't ask me any in return. It made me feel after a while that they were not interested in me at all. (Maybe they weren't!!) At the same time, asking a few questions may help break the ice but, if it turns in to what comes to feel like an interview, I would then stop asking.

Sounds like balance is needed.
This social stuff is difficult! Life is so much easier by oneself!