Matt L said:
I've been in love (or fixated?) with a girl at work for almost a year now. She's with someone, she knows I like her and many co-workers know. They like to tease me and its gotten to the point that my manager had to talk to me about it. I don't want to get over her even though I know nothing will ever happen. She gives me motivation. I have nothing in life. I've no friends. I've lost interest in things I used to like, reading and gaming mostly. I live in a rural area so there's nowhere to go and nothing to do. I exist day in and day out with the same routine. I barely work with her so my constant boredom and self loathing usually keeps my mind off her but when I do see her I spiral back into anxiety. I've known of people in unrequited love who are happy just being a martyr and loving a person but I can't do that unless its returned. From what I hear her bf sounds like a great guy and I know I could never make her happy if things were different. Hell, I have zero clue how relationships work. I don't want to go through the process of finding a new job, especially over something like this. I just don't know what to do.
The thing about love is that it is selfless. Infatuation doesn't have that same quality and is much more possessive in nature. Does her happiness come before your own? As much as it hurts, does knowing that she is happy without you something that you can accept and move past? If so, it is love. If you aren't capable of this, and hold the view that she is/will/must be yours, then it's more likely infatuation. Analysing the way you speak, I would lean more towards infatuation. You say you can't continue to love her if it is unrequited, but you aren't willing to stop loving her either. That indicates possession, though not as negatively as it may come across, and a subconscious unwillingness to let go of her. Also, you say that you don't work with her much, which would suggest that any interaction you've had with her has been fleeting. Maybe this has sparked a physical attraction which can then lead to infatuation. No shame in it. We've all been there. If this is infatuation, which your writing would suggest, then you are wholly capable of getting past it if you allow yourself to. Everyone has been infatuated at some point. I have, and am still massively attracted to that girl now. She is probably the most beautiful girl I've ever seen in my life, and probably one of funniest. We aren't close enough for it to be love, though. It might have gone that way had I had the confidence to act on my attraction, but it didn't and our lives have diverged. Do I still look back on it with regret? Yes, sometimes, but that is a psychological response to physical attraction. It is an uncertainty about what could have been, and that prevents me from truly getting past it because there is still attraction there.
Love, on the other hand, is a different beast and will not allow you to get over it. I am a believer that if you truly love someone, there will never be a day that you don't love them. However, the psychology is completely different to infatuation. When love "ends", there is a certain level of peace that goes with it, a tranquil acceptance that you love a person, but your place is not with them. That isn't to say that it completely goes, nor does it suggest that there won't be times that you don't miss them or think about them. It just means that you can live without their love. I had this very same experience with a girl years ago. I loved her more than words can describe, but it was unrequited. For four years, I suffered with the burden of loving her, but I wouldn't trade that in for anything. I'm glad I loved her. When the day came that she walked out of my life, I knew that that was it. She didn't and wouldn't ever love me. I could have sworn myself to celibacy and declared that she was my only hope for happiness, but I didn't. I have fully accepted that there is nothing there, nor will there ever be. Do I still love her? Yes. Do I think about her? Yes. Do I miss her? Yes. Am I at peace? Yes. Contrast with my earlier example. I have not stopped being attracted to that girl, and I have not been certain as to the nature of our relationship. I still look and wish sometimes that I'd acted on my feelings. As you can see, love is selfless, accepting and peaceful, whereas mere infatuation isn't. It comes with a possessiveness that precludes acceptance. This doesn't cause emotional grief like unrequited love does initially, but it does mean that the subject of infatuation will always be a fantasy, an unrealised conquest, to use a vulgar expression.
I'm sorry for the length of the post, but I wanted to explain my opinion as effectively as I could. The moral is: take heart. If this is infatuation, you'll move on. You'll probably never wholly get over it, and this girl will probably remain in some fantasy for the rest of your life, but it won't always be an emotional drain. If it's love, you'll soon realise that it isn't going to happen and you'll accept it and move on. The love will never end, nor will the occasional, fleeting melancholy, but you'll be able to live with it and look back fondly on how amazing it was to love this person. Either way, mate, you're going to be fine. Be patient, and it'll all work out.
I hope this helped.
