How does one live normally with social anxiety?

[randomdude]

At first it was just uncomfortable feeling that became worse and worse when around lots of people, than i started to question why is that happening and i turned out to be extremely self conscious. I've started to blame my looks for everything and it turned into hard depression and it became even worse since i wanted to be someone else so hard i wanted to commit suicide since i couldn't just become someone else. My confidence disappeared to the point where i don't trust in what i do, i can't quite explain what i mean but for an example i lock my house door and i go back to my house 40 times after leaving to check if i locked it for sure. People see me as different and 90% of them can't stand my presence and they bash me, sometimes call me gay and made up rumors about me that aren't true at all and they use me as a clown to make fun of while in group. After 4 years of anxiety and depression i became fearful as fresia also paranoid. Everyone thinks they are doing better than me and they don't care for my boundaries and when i stand for myself they threaten me physically since i am outnumbered. The only thing i feel confident in what i do is working out at gym where nothing else matters than myself feeling good for as long as workout lasts and few hours after. The thing that bothers me now is that anxiety and depression is what keeps me away from enjoying life in every single aspect of it that requires communication and everything i do involves it. I am on meds and i am visiting therapist and i am having few good friends, and i had a girlfriend before and it turned out worse than i could ever imagined. BUT i am fighting against problem far beyond solved by simply having friends. Please give me some advice!? Btw i am 19 years old male.

 

[Senamian]

Who the Hell are you hanging around that is PHYSICALLY threatening you, and offending you every chance they get? If these are "friends", my dear boy you need to get rid of them and fast! There's better people out there... And you'll be a better person avoiding such... Cruelness.


As for the other issue you are finding:

I never trusted people. When left alone at night, I do double triple check my doors and windows. It's just how I am. It makes me feel safe to know I AM safe.
I only recently found out about myself having social anxiety. Large crowds make me stressed, and I become rather overwhelmed. Now, I avoid places that get crowded - such as the mall in the city, which can have between 60'000 and upwards to 150'000 people a DAY there.

So, you are not alone.

For depression... Depression can be a symptom, rather than a "disease". It is very hard to fight against, and if you feel the drugs are needed, use them. No one can tell you otherwise. Avoid negativity. "Change those voices in your head, make them like you instead."
That single quote actually can make a difference. Instead of telling yourself "god I suck at everything" (or whatever unfortunate saying you give yourself!) just remind yourself you DON'T suck at everything. May sound silly... But compliment yourself. If you hear that little rude nagging voice telling you something bad about yourself... Tell it to shut up. Seriously. Don't become your own worst enemy.

 

[ForGrantedWife]

If you feel threatened and someone tries to attack you for sport you should carry pepper spray. There is no reason to be pounced on by idiots with group thug mentality. I had a case of this at school a couple of times myself because I had expensive clothes and I was friends (just friends-don't get the wrong idea with most of the boys in my school. Some of the older girls ganged up on me, were taunting me and saying they'd beat me up. But my Mom always told me to stand up for myself or else I'd be even more sorry if I came home with my tail between my legs. I was more afraid of her sometimes than kids at school so I listened. She had no pity for being wimpy I guess you could say. So it was face them or face her. Whenever it happened I think I turned part tiger. No one ever hit me because I was backed into a corner and ferocious. I think they were more scared of my anger than wanting to prove their point by doing more than just talking crap. It's really about scaring the bullies and letting them know you won't back down. Once you call their bluff and get angry enough to fight back they back down 9 times out of ten. They only go for the people who never fight back and appear weak enough to bully. And part way isn't good enough, you have to be willing to stand your ground and back the talk up with action.

 

[African_weasel]

I hate when people do that when I stand up for myself. Thought they might not carry it out and probably just joking around. However they should not do that at all whether you know them well or not. If this happens often, then maybe you need to just drop them and/or carry some sort of weapon for self defense.

 

[Senamian]

No one ever hit me because I was backed into a corner and ferocious.

You and me both! lol. It's the inability to "flight" so all that is left is "fight".

 

[newguy]

I have avoidant personality disorder, I've been told its similar to SA. I am still trying to be normal but its hard. I started therapy and it has worked a little, I only just started though. So if you can therapy might help.

 

[jzinsky]

I've found I'm comfortable when there's a definite context to the situation, so if I were in your shoes I'd be able to ask people in the gym if I'm doing it right and talking general gym stuff. Do you think that's possible with you

 

[findingme]

Hi,

I am in the same boat as you. I don't know if you have the same tendencies as me, but I am like this:

I think that I exaggerate my weaknesses and see it as flaws that I can never accept. For example, I may not be able to hold a clever or witty conversation or respond to some funny jokes and I see it as a weakness of myself. What we fail to realize is that human beings are are not perfect, most people cannot respond to those when in a stressful situation (being in the company of supposedly cool people). I'm the kind that would need a while of calming down and feeling like people are ony my side before I show how I feel as a person. I put my guards high up because I am so afraid of people judging me. Our problem, I feel, is that we cannot accept our own flaws and weaknesses. I really wish for the day when I would just see it as a reflection of ME as a person, and not as a weakness I desperately need to change.

The problem is we cannot accept ourselves for who we are, flaws and all. And love ourselves.

Depression came for me when I sought out answers to why am I like this- Why am I so lousy at socializing, do I even like to socialize, discovering and inflating many 'weaknesses' of mine along the way, discovering that I have done so many things wrong in the past, discovering that I have only been trying to hide my fear, I have tendencies to suppress my feelings and emotions, at times thinking I am a loser etc etc... Just downward spirals of shitty negative thoughts.

It was so bad I woke up day to day with extremely negative thoughts of myself and it even got to the point that I felt real physical pressure on my head. And to a point in time I even thought of committing suicide, but I cried on thinking about it because I can't believe I am even in this stage of sadness and hopelessness.

There's many things going on in my life now, and I am not able to cope well. I had a lack of a social life in the past because I did not see the point much, thought I had periods of wanting to find friends, but I realized that I only wanted the tangible benefits that comes with friends, i.e. people to hang out with to do things etc. I probably should post a separate post on myself. Hahaha.

Oh yes, and at this point in time I doubt everything I say, I can't even speak my mind. I doubt my identity. Who am I is a question I have been asking myself. And I deny my identity and look at my past with disdain.

I know things are not bad. I look outside and I see a world bright and full of possibilities. But I am afraid to step out. I tell myself I am okay now but when something social comes along, or when I am made to reveal that I am not like others in the social arena, I get all self conscious and break. I never talked about my fears to people who care about me in detail. I'm the eldest in the family after my eldest brother. He has a huge life outside of the family, and I would possibly never think of confiding in him that I fear social events and all. But then I think again, what is the worse that could happen? He's my brother. I've always acted okay and strong with everything, but I am actually not that good socially. I always start out strong but self consciousness comes along when I am in the later part of a conversation or event, like I am afraid that people will find out something about me. I have always been pretty private too and only beginning to open up recently.

I have felt hopeless before and it is a living hell. I know life can be so simple. And it's only because I have the desire to be similar to others my age, more specifically, the ones with a life, that is killing me so much now. I'm okay as a person I know that. I don't hurt people, but I am beginning to doubt even the fact of if I really sincerely cared for my family and friends in the past. Was it because of some reason that made me such a nice person in the past? Is that the real me?

I want to be okay with who I am soon. I know it takes a while because I have never really thought of this. And I'm going through quite a lot, according to my standards now.

Um I don't know if there is a private message service here. You could talk to me about your worries in private too, we're in the same situation. I'm 22 btw. Sorry I don't really have solutions for the problem because I'm trying to fix things myself too. I know it would be nice if I knew you in real life and we could help each other out, given our understanding of each others' problems. I hope my sharing helped and you would talk to me soon

 

[Peaches]

People see me as different and 90% of them can't stand my presence and they bash me, sometimes call me gay and made up rumors about me that aren't true at all and they use me as a clown to make fun of while in group.


. Everyone thinks they are doing better than me and they don't care for my boundaries and when i stand for myself they threaten me physically since i am outnumbered.


BUT i am fighting against problem far beyond solved by simply having friends. Please give me some advice!? Btw i am 19 years old male.

honestly it sounds like Mike Tyson (a young Mike Tyson) would be fearful at your place in your situation.
Is it possible that you are more sensitive (in a good way) and less violent than your surroundings? If you feel very out of place, is that an option to get the hell out of there soon, or to move to different circles in the same city?

When a situation is repeated for very long, we forget that our feelings are a normal, honest-to-god reaction to a situation, and we blame ourselves for being (anxious, depressed, angry, freaked out, whatever).

Maybe meds can help you put things in perspective, but your problem doesn't sound "psychiatric" in nature, it sounds like you are facing concrete challenges that require concrete answers.

Anyway, what I wanted to say that when you keep repeating yourself that your anxiety is a response to a situation, and remember that all people confronted with great challenges, even heroes, experience emotional reactions, perhaps you won't see yourself as there is something wrong with you, and you will be able to see exactly what is wrong with your surroundings, and maybe see what is the best course of action.

 

[a lonely person]

One does not

 

[Drama]

The first thing I noticed in the title of your thread is the word 'normal'. I cannot tell you how to become 'normal' and i doubt anything could turn you to a 'normal' person. Yet, this is not a reason to despair. I even doubt the existence of a 'normal' person. Imo, the people who feel good in a social context, do not try to be normal more than they try to make the world around them adjust to the way they are. They practice their confidence, and the world follows them in the sense that others get used to these persons the way they are.
Thus, while i think that becoming someone else to feel better is a lost case, i do believe in the power of adaptation.

 

[Regumika]

The first thing I noticed in the title of your thread is the word 'normal'. I cannot tell you how to become 'normal' and i doubt anything could turn you to a 'normal' person. Yet, this is not a reason to despair. I even doubt the existence of a 'normal' person. Imo, the people who feel good in a social context, do not try to be normal more than they try to make the world around them adjust to the way they are. They practice their confidence, and the world follows them in the sense that others get used to these persons the way they are.
Thus, while i think that becoming someone else to feel better is a lost case, i do believe in the power of adaptation.

I agree with this. Adaptation.

I don't think your problem is social anxiety, actually you might even have social anxiety. Your real problem seems to be paranoia. Paranoia causes a person to behave very fearful. That fear can be falsely identified as anxiety. Your checking of the locks 40 times is a sign of paranoia, not anxiety. The best way to combat paranoia I believe is to build confidence in knowledge and understanding logic and physics. Knowing what can/can't and what have/haven't happened can help you be okay with whatever situation your in. Perhaps keeping a better record of your personal actions will help too.