Hi,
I am in the same boat as you. I don't know if you have the same tendencies as me, but I am like this:
I think that I exaggerate my weaknesses and see it as flaws that I can never accept. For example, I may not be able to hold a clever or witty conversation or respond to some funny jokes and I see it as a weakness of myself. What we fail to realize is that human beings are are not perfect, most people cannot respond to those when in a stressful situation (being in the company of supposedly cool people). I'm the kind that would need a while of calming down and feeling like people are ony my side before I show how I feel as a person. I put my guards high up because I am so afraid of people judging me. Our problem, I feel, is that we cannot accept our own flaws and weaknesses. I really wish for the day when I would just see it as a reflection of ME as a person, and not as a weakness I desperately need to change.
The problem is we cannot accept ourselves for who we are, flaws and all. And love ourselves.
Depression came for me when I sought out answers to why am I like this- Why am I so lousy at socializing, do I even like to socialize, discovering and inflating many 'weaknesses' of mine along the way, discovering that I have done so many things wrong in the past, discovering that I have only been trying to hide my fear, I have tendencies to suppress my feelings and emotions, at times thinking I am a loser etc etc... Just downward spirals of shitty negative thoughts.
It was so bad I woke up day to day with extremely negative thoughts of myself and it even got to the point that I felt real physical pressure on my head. And to a point in time I even thought of committing suicide, but I cried on thinking about it because I can't believe I am even in this stage of sadness and hopelessness.
There's many things going on in my life now, and I am not able to cope well. I had a lack of a social life in the past because I did not see the point much, thought I had periods of wanting to find friends, but I realized that I only wanted the tangible benefits that comes with friends, i.e. people to hang out with to do things etc. I probably should post a separate post on myself. Hahaha.
Oh yes, and at this point in time I doubt everything I say, I can't even speak my mind. I doubt my identity. Who am I is a question I have been asking myself. And I deny my identity and look at my past with disdain.
I know things are not bad. I look outside and I see a world bright and full of possibilities. But I am afraid to step out. I tell myself I am okay now but when something social comes along, or when I am made to reveal that I am not like others in the social arena, I get all self conscious and break. I never talked about my fears to people who care about me in detail. I'm the eldest in the family after my eldest brother. He has a huge life outside of the family, and I would possibly never think of confiding in him that I fear social events and all. But then I think again, what is the worse that could happen? He's my brother. I've always acted okay and strong with everything, but I am actually not that good socially. I always start out strong but self consciousness comes along when I am in the later part of a conversation or event, like I am afraid that people will find out something about me. I have always been pretty private too and only beginning to open up recently.
I have felt hopeless before and it is a living hell. I know life can be so simple. And it's only because I have the desire to be similar to others my age, more specifically, the ones with a life, that is killing me so much now. I'm okay as a person I know that. I don't hurt people, but I am beginning to doubt even the fact of if I really sincerely cared for my family and friends in the past. Was it because of some reason that made me such a nice person in the past? Is that the real me?
I want to be okay with who I am soon. I know it takes a while because I have never really thought of this. And I'm going through quite a lot, according to my standards now.
Um I don't know if there is a private message service here. You could talk to me about your worries in private too, we're in the same situation. I'm 22 btw. Sorry I don't really have solutions for the problem because I'm trying to fix things myself too. I know it would be nice if I knew you in real life and we could help each other out, given our understanding of each others' problems. I hope my sharing helped and you would talk to me soon