How empty my life is

[Lonely in London]

Hi to everyone reading this.

This is my second thread on here, well what can i say. The one positive I can take from my empty, sad life is that i no longer fear death. Back when i was young and naive about life i believed for some bizzare reason that the life span of a human being was 10 years. It scared me that death was close and every birhtday i would count down the years, dreading the fact i was getting closer to that number. Well as we all know what i believed back then was not true and it was ridiculous worrying about it, call it childhood naivety i guess.

When i became a teenager death was still a fear of mine, every christmas i would think to myself 'could this be my last christmas alive'. It scared me so much i believe its one of the reasons why i became the lonely and sad young man i am today, instead of hanging out with my age group i stayed indoors alone watching TV. Believing I was safe, no one could hurt me whilst i was at home.

Well as my teenage years came and went, my views on death has changed now. I know longer fear it, i ask God nearly everday to end my misery and pain. I tell him that i want to die, everyone has friends and is enjoying life but for so many years now its just been me and my bedroom.

I was going through the worst part of my depression in the Summer of 2009, around that time on the day of Micheal Jacksons death, i had a big argument with my mum and she kicked me out of the house. It was night time and i was on the bus heading into central London, when a strange scruffy looking man gets on the bus and asks me 'have you got a radio mate? Micheal jacksons dead you know'. Am thinking this guy is drunk and off his mind so i take no notice of his words, its only a few minutes later when i look into one of shops that sell plasma TV's do i see the breaking news on the BBC with the words 'Micheal Jackson is dead'. It took me by complete suprise and naturally as with most people i was devasted about it. But i thought to myself why did God not take me instead? when i was going through so much pain and misery. Why did he think the time was right for the king of pop to die but not me?
I watched as people all over the world mourned he's loss and thought it would have been better if God had taken me instead. I can count on one hand the amount of people who would care about my death.

I just want this misery to end and i see no way out or a happy ending for me, i can only hope my death comes sooner rather than later.
Only God knows my pain and i don't understand why he still insists that I suffer.

Thanks for reading, I know it was very long but i thought i should share this story with people who may understand.

 

[jjam]

Why wait around for an inevitable death to end your misery when you can end that same misery with the one and only life you'll ever have?


-embrace hobbies (old and new)
-set goals (big and small)
-work to improve your quality of life in small steps (don't overwhelm yourself)
-doors will open!

 

[spectacles]

Hugs lonely in london!
I completely undersstand ur sadness, feeling loneliness can be painful, only those who are lonely can understand it. I dont agree with the example u are setting with M Jackson. Nobody is more or less than any other human being, no matter how famous, popular or rich u are. In M Jackson particular case I believed he had a very hard life, and example that fame and money doesnt bring hapiness. Dont hope for ur life to end but to begin. Enjoy simple things in life. Try to get urself out of that misery u feel and start indulging urself. Dont give up please.

 

[jales]

when you are so sad that you have lost the energy to type, to talk, to move, to eat.. but there is energy for tears. why? i dont know.

 

[Poguesy]

I can count on one hand the amount of people who would care about my death.

Yet you can still count.

There is something out there for everyone. It is ultimately up to you what you do with your life.

Take more pride in yourself and don't wallow about as much

 

[Sci-Fi]

Seems that you believe in God so why you are wondering why he doesn't take you baffles me. Most people believe that God has a plan for all of us and when it's our time it's our time. Obviously he doesn't feel it is your time yet so maybe, just maybe you still serve a purpose to him that you have yet to fulfill. Maybe you are destined to die tomorrow, maybe you are destined to live a long life, meet the love of your life and have children, grand children, who knows. I was a lot like you, I fear death, but I know when it comes it is inevitable and I shouldn't "fear the reaper".