I know I said awhile ago I was leaving, but I W this one last bit advice and, as sad as it may seem, this is sort of the only place that I have where I can go for it.
I know this probably sounds absolutely stupid to a lot of people because it should be simple - you just DON'T break promises. I normally wouldn't - I guess I don't normally make them for this reason. But it has gotten to the point where I can't deal with me anymore - the task of being me everyday has just become too much anymore. The pain of it all has really become unbearable.
I figured out quite some time ago that I was living my life for someone else (A, we will call him). A who has, literally, saved my life; who almost died with me in a car wreck, and has been the only person who has ever truly cared wether I lived or died. He is the only one who knows almost every dirty, ugly secret of my hate filled past and has any sort of idea of who I am. He's the only one who patiently stood by me even after I let him down again and again, who stayed even after I unleashed on him the agony I have been so desperately trying to escape. He has been trying for years to save me and shape me, for lack of a better word, into something human and acceptable but he has been fighting a losing battle.
Perhaps I was always unsavable, even if he had come along in my teenage years. At 22, I feel like I have seen and endured enough brutality to support a war. While I somehow survived and escaped "home", I can't run far enough to eacape the fact that they were right - I just never should have been.
After my last attempt, I guess I got caught up in the romantics of maybe being savable and made the promise to call should I ever feel that way again to call him. So I did. I asked him to accept that choice and he refused, he just couldn't, and he talked me out of it because I couldn't bear hearing him cry and plead, not for the likes of me.
I just can't, however, keep my word. I can't for the same reason as above. Because I'm too guilty to listen to his pain, to own up to the fact that I will destroy a part of him. Because I'm ashamed that I know this, but I can't stop. Because I know that if I do, I won't be able to follow through.
I have tried. I have tried and tried but I'm just living this life for someone else. I can't remember a time when I haven't hurt - not physically, but emotionally. I can't remember a time when I haven't cried in bed to myself or used drugs or alcohol as a crutch to avoid being me. I can't stand being stuck in my head. I can't walk down the street and watching parents with children or a couple who are obviously in this thing called love. I'm mourning the loss of what I never had and trying to bear the fact that it will never be.
I can pretend and fake it for a bit, but the hurt is always right there like a festering sliver and unless I put another band aid on it, I break. But I'm at the point where I'm just too much. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of the shame, the pain, the self loathing, and the endless emtional battering.
I know that I am taking for granted what a lot of people have lost the chance at, or would love to have. I know I'm being stupid and inconsiderate and a selfish pr*ck. I know that, and it doesn't make me feel any better, believe me. I feel like my back is against the wall, and I'm just not strong enough to stand up against it all anymore. I'm pathetic and weak and a coward and probably will be the at the top of my self hatred the moment of. I know.
I'm not asking for advice on how to proceed, I have that covered. As stupid and horrible as it may sound, I just... I am hoping there is a way that I can let him down gently so to speak. I know how stupid that sounds because I'm talking about hurting him in the most intimate, final way. I am looking for, I guess, a way to be the most considerate when I will be at my most selfish. Silly, huh?
I truly don't think that I will ever really be lovable to anyone but this kIndred, albeit incredibly stronger, soul. I think a part of him knows. I think a part of him is waiting for this time. Maybe even a part of him will be relieved he can stop. Stop with the check up calls, the defending, the worrying. But maybe that's just wishful thinking.
I know I'm not much of a human being, but I do hope that there is something I can do to make it easier for him.
Anyways, I guess that's it. I'm sorry, as this turned out a lot longer then I anticipated. It was a hard enough choice to come back and ask, and it has, obviously, been on my mind for a while with nowhere to go so... So, I'm sorry, and thanks.
Judas
I know this probably sounds absolutely stupid to a lot of people because it should be simple - you just DON'T break promises. I normally wouldn't - I guess I don't normally make them for this reason. But it has gotten to the point where I can't deal with me anymore - the task of being me everyday has just become too much anymore. The pain of it all has really become unbearable.
I figured out quite some time ago that I was living my life for someone else (A, we will call him). A who has, literally, saved my life; who almost died with me in a car wreck, and has been the only person who has ever truly cared wether I lived or died. He is the only one who knows almost every dirty, ugly secret of my hate filled past and has any sort of idea of who I am. He's the only one who patiently stood by me even after I let him down again and again, who stayed even after I unleashed on him the agony I have been so desperately trying to escape. He has been trying for years to save me and shape me, for lack of a better word, into something human and acceptable but he has been fighting a losing battle.
Perhaps I was always unsavable, even if he had come along in my teenage years. At 22, I feel like I have seen and endured enough brutality to support a war. While I somehow survived and escaped "home", I can't run far enough to eacape the fact that they were right - I just never should have been.
After my last attempt, I guess I got caught up in the romantics of maybe being savable and made the promise to call should I ever feel that way again to call him. So I did. I asked him to accept that choice and he refused, he just couldn't, and he talked me out of it because I couldn't bear hearing him cry and plead, not for the likes of me.
I just can't, however, keep my word. I can't for the same reason as above. Because I'm too guilty to listen to his pain, to own up to the fact that I will destroy a part of him. Because I'm ashamed that I know this, but I can't stop. Because I know that if I do, I won't be able to follow through.
I have tried. I have tried and tried but I'm just living this life for someone else. I can't remember a time when I haven't hurt - not physically, but emotionally. I can't remember a time when I haven't cried in bed to myself or used drugs or alcohol as a crutch to avoid being me. I can't stand being stuck in my head. I can't walk down the street and watching parents with children or a couple who are obviously in this thing called love. I'm mourning the loss of what I never had and trying to bear the fact that it will never be.
I can pretend and fake it for a bit, but the hurt is always right there like a festering sliver and unless I put another band aid on it, I break. But I'm at the point where I'm just too much. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of the shame, the pain, the self loathing, and the endless emtional battering.
I know that I am taking for granted what a lot of people have lost the chance at, or would love to have. I know I'm being stupid and inconsiderate and a selfish pr*ck. I know that, and it doesn't make me feel any better, believe me. I feel like my back is against the wall, and I'm just not strong enough to stand up against it all anymore. I'm pathetic and weak and a coward and probably will be the at the top of my self hatred the moment of. I know.
I'm not asking for advice on how to proceed, I have that covered. As stupid and horrible as it may sound, I just... I am hoping there is a way that I can let him down gently so to speak. I know how stupid that sounds because I'm talking about hurting him in the most intimate, final way. I am looking for, I guess, a way to be the most considerate when I will be at my most selfish. Silly, huh?
I truly don't think that I will ever really be lovable to anyone but this kIndred, albeit incredibly stronger, soul. I think a part of him knows. I think a part of him is waiting for this time. Maybe even a part of him will be relieved he can stop. Stop with the check up calls, the defending, the worrying. But maybe that's just wishful thinking.
I know I'm not much of a human being, but I do hope that there is something I can do to make it easier for him.
Anyways, I guess that's it. I'm sorry, as this turned out a lot longer then I anticipated. It was a hard enough choice to come back and ask, and it has, obviously, been on my mind for a while with nowhere to go so... So, I'm sorry, and thanks.
Judas
