How to get someone to stop stalking you?

[AndrewM]

I can't help feeling a bit sorry for this guy. I'm NOT suggesting shells did anything wrong. (Please read that again before flaming me.) But then I'm not sure this guy did anything really wrong either. He could have just been a lonely guy who thought he had met somebody he could talk to. Who knows? But everyone here (including myself) immediately assumed he was some kind of crazy stalker. In fact, shells was the only one who was prepared to give him the benefit of the doubt.

I'm sure there are a lot of people on this forum who could easily make the same mistakes this guy made. If this forum is about socially marginalised people, then I can't imagine a more isolating episode than to have everyone at your school think you're a stalker. Do I think Shells handled the situation badly? No, I think she was genuinely worried and had every right to take precautions. But I *wish* there had been a few more options available so that this guy didn't have to feel he could no longer show up to his school. (Shells - I'm really not trying to make you feel bad here. I'm just trying to provoke discussion about whether there are other ways to handle this next time.)

 

[Minus]

... But everyone here (including myself) immediately assumed he was some kind of crazy stalker....

I do not believe that is an accurate statement. After his description matched someone that they had been having complaints about, then it became more likely.

 

[AndrewM]

Minus, you're right. That was a rhetorical exaggeration and I should be more careful. Apologies to anyone I misrepresented.

 

[Minus]

I do understand your point. Maybe as a whole, we more than most, would understand social bumbling. Still Shells is the one with the most information and based on her reaction to things in the past, i sure am not going to discount her concern. She did say that she "might have a stalker" and that is reason for concern. You are right in that, in discussion it did seem to get assumed that he was a stalker.

I still feel that due to the discomfort that he was causing, stalker or not, it was something that needed handled. Shells actions, i feel were appropriate for the situation. "I finally had to confront him and tell him to leave me alone. I told him NOT to call, text, walk with or follow me to my class or car. I texted him this..."

I feel that Shells handled it well for someone who would not leave her alone and was making her uncomfortable. Still we, here, did not need to label him so quickly.

 

[VanillaCreme]

He might not be a stalker, but he still makes Shells and others uncomfortable.

 

[shells]

I can't help feeling a bit sorry for this guy. I'm NOT suggesting shells did anything wrong. (Please read that again before flaming me.) But then I'm not sure this guy did anything really wrong either. He could have just been a lonely guy who thought he had met somebody he could talk to. Who knows? But everyone here (including myself) immediately assumed he was some kind of crazy stalker. In fact, shells was the only one who was prepared to give him the benefit of the doubt.

I'm sure there are a lot of people on this forum who could easily make the same mistakes this guy made. If this forum is about socially marginalised people, then I can't imagine a more isolating episode than to have everyone at your school think you're a stalker. Do I think Shells handled the situation badly? No, I think she was genuinely worried and had every right to take precautions. But I *wish* there had been a few more options available so that this guy didn't have to feel he could no longer show up to his school. (Shells - I'm really not trying to make you feel bad here. I'm just trying to provoke discussion about whether there are other ways to handle this next time.)

I understand your point-of-view, but I did what felt I had to do to be safe. If you read my posts, you'd realize it wasn't an easy decision and I was reluctant to confront him or even tell others.

I told a close friend, my grandmother, my boyfriend, and have a security guard monitor me as I walk to and from classes. I could have filed an incident report, but I didn't. If he continues to keep up his antics, then I will take further action.

He doesn't always show up to class (even before I confronted him), and it's not like I told the entire Spanish class and label him as a stalker. I didn't even fill in my Spanish professor of the entire situation - I just told her that this guy asked me out, I told him that I wasn't available/not interested, and I would like to avoid an awkward situation by not being put in an activity group with him in class.

As far as I'm concerned, I am at school to learn. He should be there to do the same, and not stress about it if one girl that he didn't even know long, wants to cut contact with him.

I will admit that I have paranoid tendencies due to things that have happened to me in the past, and I did put that into consideration before I confronted him.

Furthermore, it's a big college. It's not like this guy is going to get ostracized simply because I tell a few people that are close to me (who don't even know who he is). Frankly, most people won't care/notice unless I suddenly disappear within the next few weeks and end up on the 11 o'clock news.

Oh, and I told an anonymous internet forum for lonely people. Lol, sorry, but I don't think that's going to put a dent in his reputation.

Even more so, when I gave a first name and physical description, my friend's friend (the security guard on campus that I wrote about earlier), told me that other girls had come forward having similar problems with a guy that matched that description.

Bottom line? I'd rather be safe than sorry.

edit: I also want to point out that, again, asking advice from an anonymous internet forum isn't going to effect this guy. It's not like I posted this guy's picture, name, nor address. The fact that everyone may have assumed he was a stalker off the bat on this forum (most likely from the topic title), is never going to get back to him. I did feel like I was being stalked to some extent, and therefore I asked advice on how to nip it in the bud.

 

[AndrewM]

Shells, Of course - I agree with everything you write here. I would never suggest that you shouldn't seek advice about a situation from this forum or from family, friends, teachers, etc. I really didn't mean to be critical of anything you did - it sounds like you were quite measured and reasonable. I also don't think you were being paranoid at all. And for some reason I incorrectly thought that you were going to a small community college or something, where word might get around quickly.

Whether or not this guy is missing classes because he is embarrassed, I guess what I'm asking is whether there is any way to help people like this? Not that you, Shells, should do anything in this respect. That's not what I mean. But whether, in an ideal world, there might be ways for the college, say, to handle situations like this which have positive outcomes for everyone concerned? Of course, we don't live in an ideal world, and perhaps there is no other way to practically and safely handle similar situations any differently.

 

[nerdygirl]

Hey, now. We didn't all think he was a stalker. I still don't know that he was. I have had some friends who were just as weirdly creepy and unable to understand why people saw them that way. They just had to be told directly about their behavior being inappropriate.

 

[Brian]

I've done some 'stalkerish' things before...down block and across the street from the apartment I used to live in was an oil change place where this really good looking girl worked. I asked her out once and got her phone number but was turned down when I called.

So after that I would watch her through binoculars from my kitchen window. But that was all. No different than staring at girls on the beech, I don't think.


I also go to what could be considered greater than usual lengths to find people on myspace and learn about them out of curiosity. But that's another topic of discussion.

 

[shells]

So after that I would watch her through binoculars from my kitchen window. But that was all. No different than staring at girls on the beech, I don't think.

That is pretty stalkerish, Brian.

Though, it reminds me of that movie, "Disturbia". Where that kid was sentenced to house arrest and studies all of his neighbors from his house. And there is that pretty girl that moves in and. . . Yeah. I like that movie.

I also go to what could be considered greater than usual lengths to find people on myspace and learn about them out of curiosity. But that's another topic of discussion.

I've done that. Mostly to keep updated with my nieces on my sister's profile, since we aren't on talking-terms. But she made it private. Lame.

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I think what gives me peeves most about this entire situation is that I made it clear that I wasn't available. I guess IMO, that should have been an automatic "stay the hell away from me" warning.

People shouldn't pursue people that have made it clear that they are in a happy long-term relationship. It irritates me that there was no respect for that and he kept being persistent.

 

[Badjedidude]

I've done some stalker-ish things as well. Just little things like watching where a cute girl goes after class. I wouldn't follow behind her or anything, but...I dunno, I always want to know if she's going to another class or going to lunch or something. Because if she's going to lunch, then I can bump into her after class and ask her to have lunch with MEEEEE.

I think most guys have probably done some small "stalker-ish" things as a result of being the "social hunters" of relationships. The real problem comes when a guy crosses the line between interest and obsession, IMHO.

 

[Alienated]

So, I might have a stalker from spanish class. He knows I have a boyfriend because I made it CLEAR that I do, before and after he asked me out. My boyfriend knows that this has happened, but what he doesn't know is that I -think- I am getting stalked by him.

I honestly don't think I lead him on. Class let out early one day and I was on my way to my car when he just started talking to me. And we talked. Every time I went to leave, he would follow me, and ended up following me to my car. Like, I was literally in my car, and he STILL kept asking me questions to let the conversation linger. So now he thinks it's okay to do that all of the time? Wtf?

Thanks to an assignment in spanish class, where everyone had to get up and exchange numbers in spanish, he has my number. I should have just given fake digits. But honeysuckle, I wasn't expecting someone from class to actually use my number. He constantly texts me. And for some reason, he is always waiting in the library after my other classes gets out to walk me to my car? He'll text me things like, "I see you", "I think I saw you", "Where are you right now?" "What are you doing?"

I literally have to pull a houdini to get from my class to my car without running into this guy. I don't want to be rude ***** by ignoring him, but I also don't want to make it seem like I am leading him on. He isn't exactly scrawny either. I am very intimidated by this guy.

It's also irritating me that he is texting me as much as he is. I don't even have CLOSE friends that texts me as much as he does!! I'm tempted to lie and just tell this guy that I don't have unlimited texting anymore.

I am trying to avoid telling my boyfriend simply because I know he'll want to come to my school and tell this guy to piss off - where things might escalate.

What should I do?

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PS - I try to avoid texting him, and if I do respond it's usually vague and I don't try to appear interested. Or I just tell him I am with my boyfriend (even though I may not be). Telling him that I am with my bf usually get him to stop texting me until the next day.

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You have some guy he doesn't even know, contact him... Claiming that he is investigating his brothers unexplained disappearance from 3 years ago.... And that he was dating you and you had a falling out, and no one has seen him since.... He has been keeping a eye on you to try and get evidence so the police will reopen the case.

And he noticed him trying to get to know you... And he felt he had to warn him about YOU !!

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Why did you bump a 3 year old thread? This was from before I even joined!

 

[African_weasel]

I've done some stalker-ish things as well. Just little things like watching where a cute girl goes after class. I wouldn't follow behind her or anything, but...I dunno, I always want to know if she's going to another class or going to lunch or something. Because if she's going to lunch, then I can bump into her after class and ask her to have lunch with MEEEEE.

I think most guys have probably done some small "stalker-ish" things as a result of being the "social hunters" of relationships. The real problem comes when a guy crosses the line between interest and obsession, IMHO.

Tell that to the person that lied about me.