I am begging for help

[Ovid]

I know I haven't been very active here, but today has been the worst in my life, and I need anyone to talk to (please) as I do not feel very stable.

This morning I had a very bad car accident on the way to work (which was my fault). I was not speeding, I was not drinking, I was watching the road, but the sun was in my eyes, and I did not realize a car that had stopped in the lane ahead waiting for the bus until it was too late. The sun cleared and I was within 10 metres of the ute. I hit it hard, which in turn rolled into the bus. No one else was injured other than myself (not in a horrible way). In 9 years of driving this is the first accident I have ever had.

I have never been this scared in my entire life. My car went under the ute's back tray and it pushed parts of my engine / bonnet through my windshield. But I didn't hit me, just around me, I don't know how...

My first thought was not of if I was safe, but just pure panic, I smashed open the door, fell onto the road and started crying uncontrollably.

Every time I close my eyes, I see it, it will not go away, and I cannot stop shaking even after 12+ hours. I went to the hospital, and I haven't broken anything, but I feel like I have ruined my life. I tried so hard to correct my life, to get it back on track, and things were starting to look up, and now I am getting some very bad thoughts. My mind just keeps thinking that it would have been better if I did get hit, then I wouldn't need to feel this.

I don't have many people to turn to, I don't have many people on the net either. I feel so ashamed, I feel like I have let everyone down. I tried to say how sorry I was in my state but I guess that just doesn't cut it, does it.

I don't know what to do. I do not want to sleep, I will see it again, but I need to work tomorrow (in 5 hours...), I do not want to lose my job.

I feel like everything I tried to rebuild is falling back over, and all of those thoughts that made me so depressed all those years ago are flooding back into my mind.

 

[An archist]

That sounds like a horrible expirence to have--especially to someone as fragile as yourself. It's going to sound meaningless, but be glad that you and everybody else walked away from the accident. It moves me with compassion that you started crying right then and there--I wish you could find somebody who can support you through this. If you are totally isolated and you've got to tough this one out on your own, try not to let this one expirence shatter everything that you've worked for; if you can weather this storm, it will be a testament to your strength. I hope you're not thinking of hurting yourself or something like that. I wish you the best and hope to hear that you're feeling better soon.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Hi...

Please don't be so hard on yourself....and also know that what you are feeling is natural..you're not crazy.
Most poeple react like that after an accident wheather it's thier fualt or not.

Please try to stop beating up on yourself...
Automobile accedents happens everyday..
Do you have insurance ?

No...you don't have to be perfect.
No you didn't let anyone down.
No, you havn't ruined your life.

Yeah...don't take what your mind thinks at the moment to heart.
It's okay for you to have these emotions too...
maybe you been walking a tight rope or walking on eggshells most of your life..so an emotional outburst might feel abmornal to you.
It's okay to cry too...if you feel like crying.

I've been in serveral auto accidents myself...
I took out the entire front end of a store with a semi truck once
It was all my fualt..i thought i was going to get fired..but my boss just clamed me down.

My GF wreck our car a couple of times....and she felt really bad for a while.
The van just rolled into a pole and cuased major front end damage...but she felt really guilty and stupid.
She was raised to be a good little girl or a sweet woman all her life..so making mistakes for her seem overwhelming.
When i first met her, she used to cry for days for anything that went wrong...I just allow her to cried and let her felt
what she felt. Over time she got better. She relaese alot of pin up feelings inside of her.

I'm glade your are physical okay and that you didn't get injured.

maybe you can post to releases your thoughts and emotions...
Or talk to someone if someone is avaliable to listen to you.
If not maybe you can write or go into the chat room.
This way you can jut process them and let go of them.
Don't hold it in.

If you notice...while all of that stuff that's going in your mind..there might be an inner vioce critizising you.
it might be your vioce or a vioce of a figure of authory in your life. It might not even be linked to your accident.
Generally after a trumatic experince...our mind retriggers alot of negative thoughts and emotions that dosn't have
anything to do with the current situations...Therefore amplifying our feelins of guilt and failures.
Ask your inner vioce to stop...or make a simple and direct command.. "stop"
Or you can wear a rubber band around your wrisk for a little while..snap the rubber band if you find yourself
beating up, critisizing or having neative thoughts...It'll become natural after 3-4 weeks. Then you can take
the rubber band off. It helped me a lot.
Then you can simply replace ask your inner vioce to work with you...simply replace the negative phrases
with posistive phrased by alterning it slighty.
If you hear.."you're no good"...simply remove "NO" from the phrase to "you're good"
It depends what you hear as your negative inner vioce.
Mine was my vioce at first i notice...but in the back ground i heard my father's vioce.
My father's vioce was very subtle..when i feel bad or make a mistake..I can hear his vioce critisizing me even though
he's not around me.lol

 

[Steel]

I'm surprised the hospital didn't keep you in.. it sounds like you could be in shock.

Try to remember that it was an accident, and you shouldn't blame yourself for that. Take care.

 

[Nyktimos]

9 years of driving without an accident is pretty good. Everyone is safe, please don't let it bring you down. An accident is just an accident. You didn't succomb to some terrible temptation that caused you to hurt anyone. You were just unlucky. It could have happened to anyone. It does happen to others, in some cases quite frequently. A guy I work with is renowned for back-ending cars, and he drives a van for a living! You've come so far, this little thing doesn't mean everything is unravelling. It's just something that's happened.

 

[itsmylife]

Hey I’m sorry you had to go through this. You said it yourself though – you were paying attention, you weren’t drinking and you weren’t speeding. You did nothing wrong. Unfortunately accidents happen. That’s just what it was –accidental. You didn’t let anybody down, I’m pretty sure that the others involved could see the state you were in and don’t blame you at all.
It’s ok for you to feel the way you do, you had an accident and just the shock of it is enough to shake anybody up never mind any injuries.
You said that things were starting to look up for you. Well don’t think of this as a step backwards because it’s not. You’re safe. It could have been a lot worse but you walked away. That is a huge positive.
Try not to put too much pressure on yourself, you were trying to make a positive change in your life, you can still carry on doing that.
Don’t forget you can always go and see your doctor if you continue to feel so low.
I hope you feel better soon, take care of yourself.

 

[Minus]

It is understandable that you are shaken. It would be strange if you weren't. It was an accident. We never want them, unfortunately they happen. I know it would prey on my mind for quite awhile. I don't think that is unusual. I am sorry that you are going through this. The turmoil will start fading in time but you are still real close to the event.

 

[Ovid]

Hi all,

Thanks for the replies, I have been feeling very sick since yesterday, but I am at work none the less. They know I had an accident but the seatbeat bruises arn't visible with my shirt on so they don't know the extent (I'd rather not tell them).

I am just going to look for a support group or something after work today, so that I can talk to someone in the near future, as I think I can only hide it for so long. It's very hard to pretend that I am happy, but I have to, where I am.

I don't believe I am going to hurt myself, it is just passing thoughts that make me think I could be absolved from the responsibility if I had been killed. These thoughts keep coming at me.

The hospital was over-loaded anyway, so I didn't want to tie up a bed by staying there. God I wish I had someone real to talk to, one of the policemen helped calm me a little bit, he said I should buy a lotto ticket.

 

[Minus]

Yes a trauma support groups sounds like a good idea.

 

[Brian]

Hey Ovid,
I've had a couple near-misses in similar situations (stopped traffic obscured by weather when I was driving tired), and I can relate to you here...I can only imagine how bad it must feel. I know I felt terrible for just coming close to rear-ending somebody. It's a feeling of failure to drive responsibly, when you know you're better than that. Is that correct?

 

[Ovid]

It's a feeling of failure to drive responsibly, when you know you're better than that. Is that correct?

I am definitely feeling that. My thoughts are just compounding everything though. I thought I could feel better this morning by taking a few different pills (probably not the best idea). I am still feeling sick still but it is helping me at least slightly consentrate on my work. I toke public transport today, I think I'll be too scared to drive anymore.

 

[DayvanCowboy]

I know exactly how you feel.

Over two years ago I was hit head on by a drunk driver and I ended up almost going through the windshield. I just smashed my head and caused an indent on the windshield, but I never got into a car to drive for a few weeks. After a while I started driving around rural areas in my city and moved on from there. It will take a few days for everything to settle, but you will see that these type of things happen ALL THE TIME and you did absolutely everything you could to get out of the situation safely.

I must congratulate you on driving for so long without getting into an accident. I know some people who get into one every year and still drive around the day after in their rental cars, because they are so used to it.

Sooner than later. It will be ok. I hope you have the strength to get behind the wheel and drive again.

 

[Azy]

I know exactly how you feel, sort of. On memorial day weekend last month, my car was hit from behind while i was asleep in my room. Luckily I wasn't in the car, for if i would have been, like listening to music with a friend or whatever, the police investigator said i would have been ejected through the windshield and severely injured, or I could have died. So I thank God that I wasn't in the car at the time of the incident, however, I hear the crashing noise in my dreams still. The shear terror came over me as I watched my car be towed to a different spot on my property so the collision appraisal person could estimate the damage.

 

[Flood]

I'm a pretty safe driver, but the times that were close calls were usually when the sun just blinds me like you explained. Just remember how common it is for car accidents to occur, in fact 9 years with out one is probably uncommon and shows that you are a good driver. Another thing is just like someone mentioned here be glad everyone walked away from this, and you don't have to deal with that kind of pain in addition.

Don't give up driving. Just take some time to calm your nerves.

 

[packyourbags]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((ovid)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

so sorry you had to go through this...
you are welcome to talk to me any time.

(hug)

shade.

 

[Ovid]

thanks for all of your posts.
I'm trying to stay positive but it's hard. I was allowed to take tomorrow off work (which im hesitant to take, im new, and I don't want to give them an excuse to let me go), but I am having some very bad thoughts running through my head. I don't believe I would be the type of person to hurt myself, but I know the back of my mind is trying to justify it. I called lifeline twice today, it helped to talk to someone, but as soon as the calls were over I was back like this again. I have been taking various calming / pain / sleeping pills since Monday, but I am running out of them, I can't drug myself forever. I am to see the doctor tomorrow, at least I can look forward to that. I'm not really hoping for anything in writing this, but it is soothing to see people reply.

 

[SophiaGrace]

I'm surprised the hospital didn't keep you in.. it sounds like you could be in shock.

Try to remember that it was an accident, and you shouldn't blame yourself for that. Take care.

I agree with Steel it does sound like shock. Please tell your work place what the situation is. Perhaps if you tell them they'd be lenient with you and give you space to heal.

 

[SophiaGrace]

thanks for all of your posts.
I'm trying to stay positive but it's hard. I was allowed to take tomorrow off work (which im hesitant to take, im new, and I don't want to give them an excuse to let me go), but I am having some very bad thoughts running through my head. I don't believe I would be the type of person to hurt myself, but I know the back of my mind is trying to justify it. I called lifeline twice today, it helped to talk to someone, but as soon as the calls were over I was back like this again. I have been taking various calming / pain / sleeping pills since Monday, but I am running out of them, I can't drug myself forever. I am to see the doctor tomorrow, at least I can look forward to that. I'm not really hoping for anything in writing this, but it is soothing to see people reply.

Please do write and tell us how the doctor's visit went.

btw what were your physical injuries?

 

[Ovid]

Please do write and tell us how the doctor's visit went.

btw what were your physical injuries?

Going to the doctors in a few hours. My injuries are only seat belt bruises and cuts from the windshield glass. I just hope I can go back to work and concentrate tomorrow. Wish I had a time machine, feel like a shadow of myself at the moment.

 

[Ovid]

Doctor gave me some more calming tablets, and set me up to talk with someone. So at least I can try and concentrate on work day to day. I'll take the rest as it comes I suppose.