I am so angry at myself... I just want to die now

[Freakin_Amazin]

After my first breakup, I met a really nice girl who liked me alot. She would do all these things for me... One time she even baked me a cake for St. Valentine's, in the form of lips. She was after me for about a year and a half, but I could never bring myself to fall for her. I acted badly towards her sometimes, I wouldn't pay attention, things of that sort. I don't know why anymore... I must've been blind. After awhile we stopped seeing or calling each other.

I had another relationship, and I just broke up. I have suddenly realized that there is no other girl like her, and now, I want to make it work. But there is more than enough pain in her heart, I know that, I know it won't be easy. I'm having a really hard time living with myself, knowing now what I had and spurned. I had gold... it's as simple as that. Now I've got nothing, no one.

I really don't know how I'm going to live with myself if I can't make this work. I'm talking to her, going to her house on occasion; she's reluctant, and a little distanced, which is understandable. But I just feel completely depressed, frustrated, emanciated. For the first time in my life I am sure of who I want... but the chances of this working aren't that great, not after what happened, not after all the time that has passed. I feel like I have wasted that which I would most like to have - I don't mind where I study or where I work or anything like that, I just want to have someone like her. And she's the only one I know. No one else even comes close.

I feel so lonely now. I wouldn't mind getting the crap beat out of me - I feel like I deserve it.

 

[DayvanCowboy]

If you are still interacting with her then just let her know that you are sorry. Explain to her how you feel.

I don't know. It may not feel right to her so just keep calm about it. heh. I was in the exact same situation as you when I was in my mid teens. I met a girl who would do anything for me, but I just didn't really like her. When things broke off and I had no one. I realized too that she was someone that would have only made my life better.

By the way she is acting I think she does not want anything to do with you. Maybe just for the moment. This is going to be hard to post, but keep your distance. Just tell her you are sorry and you feel so bad and you know you made a mistake. If she wants something from you, she will come to you.

Be thankful for meeting such a nice person at least. Or someone that just really cared about you for that little bit. I know it means nothing by the way you feel. So the best is to just hope for forgiveness and for you to forgive yourself someday.

Take care.

 

[SilentThinker]

It takes time to heal the relationship back to normal.Treat her better and she may forgive you.

 

[Brian]

Hmmm.

What if you show her this thread?

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Nah.....chicks are dime a dozen.

Just move on.
You're living right now without her.

You just getting your emtions confused. You just recently went through a break up and you're seeking
comfort from the rejection or discomfort. The first thing that you'll do is try to run back to the familar.
You 'll try to negociate it within your mind and you're mind will conjur up guilt...never the lest..
you're still seeking comfort from your pains. You're go into what if this or I'll do that the next time...
bascailly your mind will generate fantacies of what if.

What if the other girl that broke up with you wants break up sex or want to get back with you ?
How will you feel about that...and what will you think ?
You had break up sex before havn't ya ?

You have the entire world of single women available to you.
You have you...that's all you'll ever have.
You might have today or maybe tommorrow...nothing ...absolutly nothing is garantee.
Don't make promises you can't keep.

For me personally...I know , i wouldn't want to be with a girl that treated me second best or on the bottom of the list..
Not anymore....i played that honeysuckle when i was younger. if someone else better comes around, then
I'll just get dumped evenatually....fresia that honeysuckle. I learned my god **** lesson the hard way.
I deserve better than that honeysuckle today...i don't give a fresia how hot or sweet she is...
You either have a connection with me or you don't....no fucken games, dramma or mellow dramma.
I'm second to fucken no one...i rather stay single then to have to beg for fucken ture love.
I'm not that fucken lonely yet...

Surely I wouldn't expect any less from my partner....She will be my partner not someone to kiss my ass.
I respect myself and her that much.

 

[Freakin_Amazin]

Ahhh God.... I don't know what I'm going to do. How could I have been so supremely stupid? I have a hard time living with myself...

 

[evanescencefan91]

i'm sorry amazing, everyone has issues with relationships
i'm sure there's someone out therre just waiting for you,

don't stop searching

i hope things get better

*hugs*

 

[SophiaGrace]

Tell her how you feel, and be very very very patient. Hang around her, SHOW HER that you will not leave again and break her heart a second time. Eventually...she will come around.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

well...I started working on my 4th step in my work book..
It was insane at first...because the work book I have gose into the nitty gritty
and ask me all kinds of straight forward questions...

My thoughts, my feelings, my motives, my reactions, my fucken resentments.
Why & How...and fucken who...then what the fresia for.
It's design for me to look at myself in the mirror...so i know who the fresia i am..today
So I can somehow have a better insight of what the fresia is wrong with me
and what the fresia is right with me. This way I might be less confuse about me , myself and I.

I need to get right with me first before I can get right with anyone. In other words I want to get
fucken well...

****...making that resentment list was fucken hairy...
It regriggered a lot of thoughts and emotions and the first god **** thing i wanted to do
was checked the fresia out !!!!
To rub it in even more...I called around ten people, just so i can kind of talk things over with them
so I don't trip the fresia out...but no one answered their god **** phone...
Come to find out...my fucken phone line is dead...fresia !!!!!!

O freaken will....I chilled for a little while...then continue to answer more fucken questions.
God fucken help me get through this honeysuckle. Shine some fucken light in so I can see it for whatever the fresia it is.

yes...most of my answers refer back to her...fucken her and how the fresia I centered my life around her
like a god **** pussy whop son of a *****.
Her pussy sucked me in...whew me up then spit me out and had me begging for more...more...more.lol

ya might as will face it you're addicted to love...( i mean boobies.lol)
The lights are on...but you're not home.
Your mind is not your own...lmao

The suger coated version is that...I valued myself as a person by letting her define me.
If she didn't love me...I felt less than a person or not good enough....Therefore I'll wirte off whatever BS she dose as ok.
In other words..I'll bend over backwards for her and even let her used me as a doormate.

The straight up adult version...She used sex as a weapon to get whatever she wants.
My honest truth of the matter is...I pounce the honeysuckle out of her pussy all the fucken time to make me feel
like a fucken man. She used to ask me for whatever...such as money or a new pair of shoes when i was having
a fucken orgaism inside of her. " yes babe....anything you want...anything you want"

See...I can see clearer of the patterns that was going in my life. The Truth will set me free.
I wasn't voted the honriest dude on this site without reasons...everybody already knew.
I just had to discover it and accept it for myself....how being Mr stud has it's consequence..
I mean hookers would had saved me a lot of troubles, heartaches and way..way cheaper in the long run.
But She told me she loves me.....that's her side of the fucken street she has to deal it. Her part in it.
Tell me more about love babes...show me what love is...*sighs*

I fucken resent her for that honeysuckle...
I fucken resent myself for beliving in the honeysuckle...the fucken ideaism of love and how women wants men to treat them
with the at most repsect, dignity and to value and cherish love.
And i fucken resent myself even more as time gose on that I, today, feel that this thing people preach about and the code
of love that I should try to live by is fucken over rated and a pack of fucken lies.
I know how to not give a fresia..I got what I wanted from whom ever and O fucken will if i huted YA. Just get over the honeysuckle becuase
it was all about me...me...me...let go of your fucken pains and stop whining. That's old fucken news to me.