I don't like my face...:(

[floatsamjetsam]

She needs to put on a few pounds that's for certain

She needs to put on a few pounds for what?
You speak an absolute in her requirement to be heavier than she is, similarily to how someone else might say a girl needs to lose weight.

But for what? So that you would date her? So that you would respect her? So that she could be less "ugly", or valued more?

What in this world is less important, than how someone looks. Really.

How much have you learned from shallow, vain beauty, that you could not learn from deep intrinsic inner beauty?

I've never been interested in a girl who didn't become through my affection, to me, the most physically beautiful girl in the world. And I believe I've enjoyed my affections far more than someone would, if they based things on outside beauty to reflect inwards, rather than inner beauty to reflect outwards. I don't recall a time in my life when looks did matter to me, and I believe I've been much happier for that.

 

[Iceman1978]

floatsamjetsam,

It's an unfair world that we live in, but people are judged based on first appearance. When women are repulsed by the very sight of you it doesn't even leave you with a chance of getting to know someone, or them getting to know you so that they can appreciate who you are as a person and admire your inner beauty. That's the case with me. I am rejected with one look. That's why I describe my appearance as a prison.

 

[floatsamjetsam]

floatsamjetsam,

It's an unfair world that we live in, but people are judged based on first appearance. When women are repulsed by the very sight of you it doesn't even leave you with a chance of getting to know someone, or them getting to know you so that they can appreciate who you are as a person and admire your inner beauty. That's the case with me. I am rejected with one look. That's why I describe my appearance as a prison.

This isn't wholly true. It's only true for the majority of people, all of which should be irrelevant. You're only as ugly as you think you are, in your own mind, and in the minds of those who should not matter to you. It's quite possible to avoid judging a person on their looks the first time you meet them, it's possible to overcome our biological setbacks through concentration and awareness.

Also you're a guy, you're much luckier in this regard, women can overlook vanity much easier than men. I used to think I was so ugly that I would keep my face hidden from people any chance I got, behind books, sweaters, my crossed arms on a desk. I found out one day that to some people I'm actually beautiful, and some gorgeous, some ugly, some handsome, some average some gross. None of them are objectively right, only subjectively, I would rather worry about those who see my personality than my face, and would prefer to be perceived as average looking, so that my personality gets more of an investigation than my face.

 

[Iceman1978]

I have been told right to my face that I'm ugly. Women have never responded positively to me. They've never even smiled at me. I gave up on the dating scene about ten years ago and have now accepted the fact that this is what it is. Once you accept things you can't change and move on, you're going to be fine.

 

[floatsamjetsam]

I have been told right to my face that I'm ugly. Women have never responded positively to me. They've never even smiled at me. I gave up on the dating scene about ten years ago and have now accepted the fact that this is what it is. Once you accept things you can't change and move on, you're going to be fine.

My friend it is clear you don't want to be alone. The only way you can not be alone is to make friends, or get into a relationship... Look, I gave up on dating as well, I was 19 years old before I had a girlfriend, and one day I decided to try again, a week later I had a girlfriend who I fell in love with and shared of the best moments of my life with, only once you give up have you lost the battle. You aren't too ugly to get a wife, it's a fact, there can be no argument on this.

There are women, and I'm not putting you in this category, please don't be offended just understand my logic here. There are women, who are sexually turned on by MONSTROUS looking men, and I mean people who have such severe deformities that they could be considered to an insensitive person as a monster. They will date and marry these men.

The only reason you don't have a girlfriend is because you gave up on trying to have one. If you give up on something, you won't succeed in it, try and you will.

I know how you're feeling, I've felt the same way, everything I'm saying will be refused by you outright, but you have a choice, one day you will have to decide to start trying, if not, you will push any one who pursues you away, and never pursue anyone yourself, making it quite impossible to be in a relationship.

A persons face is irrelevant, there's so much more inside a persons heart.

 

[Iceman1978]

Have you ever been called ugly?

 

[floatsamjetsam]

Have you ever been called ugly?

Many times. To my face, behind my back, hurt all the same. I suppose I entered a certain phase of my life, where it's my heart that is called ugly now, rather than my face. It used to destroy me, and I hated the way I looked, now I don't even consider it, unless the idea of insecurity of vanity is brought up, in which case I remember it but don't feel sad or happy about it either way. It's something that can be overcome, I used to have social anxiety that was so crippling, I had to be drunk every morning to go to school, and would have massive panic attacks while there, eventually I couldn't go to school anymore and had to start taking tranquillizers for my general anxiety just to make it through the day, I was deathly afraid of women even more so than the rest of society.

Now I don't feel anxiety, ever. I don't need chemicals to get me through the day, my depression has vanished, and up until recently when I decided on abstinence, I had no problem going up to a girl and saying flat out that I was into her, and would like to date her. Time and the right mindset can fix anything, life is what you decide it is.

 

[Iceman1978]

So you know where I'm coming from on this. If you've dated then obviously you've had women who've responded to you in a positive way.

That's not something I'm able to say.

---

Maybe it's for the best that I'm single and can't date. It's a guarantee that I'll never help create a child. If I knew that even one part of me was passed on to someone else I don't know if I could handle that kind of guilt.

 

[floatsamjetsam]

So you know where I'm coming from on this. If you've dated then obviously you've had women who've responded to you in a positive way.

That's not something I'm able to say.

---

Maybe it's for the best that I'm single and can't date. It's a guarantee that I'll never help create a child. If I knew that even one part of me was passed on to someone else I don't know if I could handle that kind of guilt.

---

Women have never pursued me once in my life, the few women I've had in my life, I worked tirelessly to woo, and it was never quick or easy. You say you gave up 10 years ago, so I have to assume that I've tried harder to pursue women than you have. Love doesn't just come to you, especially as a guy, it sucks but you'll find more often than not that you are pursuing your love interests not the other way around.

 

[Iceman1978]

It's a Catch 22 when you think about it.

The reason I won't pursue it is because I don't want to set myself up to be humiliated, which is what's always happened before and 99% would happen again. If I were to take that chance, and get rejected, it would probably crush me. At least now I'm able to function when I try not to think about it. In a few days I'll probably feel better.

When you've never even had women smile at you (as is the case with me) and when they've cut you down, found fault with everything you do, and at times not even treated you like you're a human being, then you eventually get the message.

 

[floatsamjetsam]

It's a Catch 22 when you think about it.

The reason I won't pursue it is because I don't want to set myself up to be humiliated, which is what's always happened before and 99% would happen again. If I were to take that chance, and get rejected, it would probably crush me. At least now I'm able to function when I try not to think about it. In a few days I'll probably feel better.

When you've never even had women smile at you (as is the case with me) and when they've cut you down, found fault with everything you do, and at times not even treated you like you're a human being, then you eventually get the message.

Trust me friend, humanity has treated me like absolute filthy waste, I've been used and mistreated like a filthy rag. I also know that for a long period of my life, it seemed no women smiled at me either, I believed they hadn't because I wanted to, because it made sense to be ugly that's who I was.

I've had people find fault in everything I do since I was born, it's just something that's happened, if I let it hurt me every day I would be miserable, I can't change how people see me, only how I see myself and how I react to their view on me.

Don't forget about it, just let go of your worrying, don't be afraid of humiliation, it's only as humiliating as you let it be. I mean this literally, not some guru technique that's abstract, you literally choose the exact level of humiliation you feel for things, by allowing yourself to think negatively about something.

It's completely possible to not care one lick what people think about your face, or body. It's also completely possible to care so much that you do something drastic to yourself over it. It's a matter of perception, we choose what makes us happy and sad, humiliated or proud, joyful or melancholy.

You want a girlfriend, trust me when I say you can get one. The only thing that will prevent you from getting a girlfriend, is saying that you can't get one, and never trying. The only thing preventing you right now from getting a girlfriend, is not getting one.

 

[Iceman1978]

I wish I could believe that. I guess you're just stronger than I am emotionally as you've been able to overcome this.

 

[monkeysocks]

I wish I could believe that. I guess you're just stronger than I am emotionally as you've been able to overcome this.

You are as strong, it just about re-evaluating your life and why things happen.

Bad things, bad people. Non of us deserve it, but still it saps confidence and take on board what people say even if its not true, then start to feel unworthy, lose faith and feel rejected by life and people.

Then comes the mistakes we make 'forgetting we are human' all adding to it.

One big growing rolling snowball.

But we forget the crap the world and other people throw at us is 'not our fault'. Neither is it our fault if opportunities don't present themselves when needed.

The cure is to remember that its not our fault and we didn't deserve it and reject the crap that has been thrown at us and killed our confidence and self esteem.

I call it 'Getting rid of the fairground mirror that the world put in front of us'.

''bad honeysuckle happens to good people'' The saying is true.

We are all stronger than we give ourselves credit for.

It worked for me - I thought I was heading for a straight jacket if anything else came at me.

Never been stronger.

 

[Iceman1978]

Years ago, when I was feeling bad about my appearance, I decided to use a photo that wasn't me and go into a chatroom. I did so just out of curiosity to see how people would react. Nothing raunchy or anything, just a regular photo that was of how I wanted to look. Peoples response to me was overwhelmingly positive and I received many compliments.

After I logged off and then saw myself in the mirror, I realized that the reaction I received in the chat room would never be possible in reality. I became so depressed that I just lay in bed and started crying. For three days I stayed in my room, only leaving when I needed to go to the bathroom or go to the kitchen for a glass of water. After the third day I felt exhausted and weak from not eating and just crying so much. I finally ate something and in a few days I felt better. Better only in that I was able to function without feeling like I was going to break down.

It was, to this day, one of the hardest times of my life. Things have improved a great deal, but it doesn't change the fact that I will never date, never marry, never have a family of my own, and never know so much as the embrace of a woman. It is heartbreaking for me to accept, but I have no other option. Once I accept that those are the terms I can begin to move forward and not let it get the best of me.

 

[monkeysocks]

Iceman - I am not going to persuade you otherwise if you are happy in the mindset of acceptance.

Never say never. Someone else's interpretation of you will be as different and individual as we each are and quite different from the way you view yourself.

Thank you for sharing your story, I am sorry you have felt like that, but also admire your strength in dealing with it.

 

[Iceman1978]

I've accepted it, but I'm not happy. It hurts me when I think about it. I agree with you that we are all individuals with different views, but can you guess how many women have reacted positively to me?

Zero.


"but also admire your strength in dealing with it."

Thank you.

 

[monkeysocks]

I understand how things and past experiences make us feel, that does not mean that it is an indefinite destiny.

Unfortunately we can't see into the future, but can only look back and make predictions based on such experiences.

Perhaps you might be able to feel happier in acceptance if you say 'one day' instead of never.

This is not false hope, it is reality that the opportunity could present itself. But not if you close your mind to the possibility.

 

[ardour]

Iceman78,
I'm almost certainly far uglier than you, and I strongly resemble my father, a real sick ******* (not going to elaborate.)
Just like him... right down to the beard and tone of voice. Imagine that head-trip.
Except that my cranium didn't develop properly - I've been called retarded and gross many a time, and I have a mild learning disability.
Despite this, women who know me smile. I'll never be boyfriend material, but they smile and talk to me as a friend.

So it's a little difficult to believe that every woman you've encountered is shallow and hostile. Far more likely that your own awkwardeness or introversion have something to do with it, as frustrating as it is to get this kind of advice while your feeling particularly low. You just want to wallow and I get that.

A new job and moving might be the answer.