SeiToSai
Member
In the short history of my life I've had the same friends for different time periods. During my teenager years I had a small group of about eight friends, well "friends". Everyone used to talk about each other behind their backs and fights would break out at random all the time. My "best friend" and I were the closest but that really wasn't true but for only the first two years of our friendship. After that I felt like she was keeping me around because she was stunted by her family's religion and just wanted to settle on our friendship. I also felt like this for different reasons. Without her friendship I was pretty sure I'd lose my other friends because they were all friends before I moved to the neighborhood. I'm pretty sure of this because even though me and my old best friend were so similar it was like everyone around would find reason to build her up and knock me down. We'd both do bad things that break into the school one summer, listen to "bad" metal music, meet people from the internet, etc. But for some reason she was good and I was bad. If we came to bring someone soup when they were sick, even if it were completely my idea they would think it was her and give her credit for being a good person. It made me really depressed and affected me well after those friendships were over because it wasn't even just the friends, their parents followed that as well.
After that time period my ex friend moved on to being a slutty chick once she got this job at a restaurant and we took our separate paths, mostly, since I maintained a friendship with two friends of hers (brother and sister) since she pretty much dumped them too. I'm still sort of friends with those two, but we don't connect at all. In fact, I find them to be rather annoying these days and we only hang out every month or so. It's a similar situation with them. Their mom was always such a jerk to me when I would come over, their brother too. Then just the vibe with them always rubbed me the wrong way. They were a team and I was the outsider.
My whole life I've just wanted someone I feel like I'm equals with. A person I can connect with and have mutual understanding and feelings for. I've always tried so hard to friends, or relationships and failed badly. I'm not close to my family. I live at home with my mother while I'm trying to tough things out until I finish college and can make do on my own. She drives me absolutely insane. Sometimes I want to just give up and run away in my car.
It's just weird, I've met a lot of people but it's like I'm on a completely different wavelength than them. And now that I'm so desperate to deeply connect with someone I get so emotional about other people and sometimes codependent, but it's only because I usually only have one other person in my life. Like now, I met a guy on plenty of fish and I like him a lot but I know that the relationship I have built with him thus far means little to him. We don't even want the same things out of life so I know this, like all of my other relationships, will end.
It just sucks so much sometimes to have no one who is there for you, to talk to, to enjoy things with, for support, for love. I'm trying to learn how to get used to being on my own but it seems like I just can't get over it.
Edit: To add, also it seems like every time I DO find someone who I could have been very compatible with they're already broken. Like the guy I mentioned before. Maybe a few years ago we could have had something but he's so closed off to serious relationships now that he only wants to hold people at arms length. That happens a lot too...
After that time period my ex friend moved on to being a slutty chick once she got this job at a restaurant and we took our separate paths, mostly, since I maintained a friendship with two friends of hers (brother and sister) since she pretty much dumped them too. I'm still sort of friends with those two, but we don't connect at all. In fact, I find them to be rather annoying these days and we only hang out every month or so. It's a similar situation with them. Their mom was always such a jerk to me when I would come over, their brother too. Then just the vibe with them always rubbed me the wrong way. They were a team and I was the outsider.
My whole life I've just wanted someone I feel like I'm equals with. A person I can connect with and have mutual understanding and feelings for. I've always tried so hard to friends, or relationships and failed badly. I'm not close to my family. I live at home with my mother while I'm trying to tough things out until I finish college and can make do on my own. She drives me absolutely insane. Sometimes I want to just give up and run away in my car.
It's just weird, I've met a lot of people but it's like I'm on a completely different wavelength than them. And now that I'm so desperate to deeply connect with someone I get so emotional about other people and sometimes codependent, but it's only because I usually only have one other person in my life. Like now, I met a guy on plenty of fish and I like him a lot but I know that the relationship I have built with him thus far means little to him. We don't even want the same things out of life so I know this, like all of my other relationships, will end.
It just sucks so much sometimes to have no one who is there for you, to talk to, to enjoy things with, for support, for love. I'm trying to learn how to get used to being on my own but it seems like I just can't get over it.
Edit: To add, also it seems like every time I DO find someone who I could have been very compatible with they're already broken. Like the guy I mentioned before. Maybe a few years ago we could have had something but he's so closed off to serious relationships now that he only wants to hold people at arms length. That happens a lot too...