I feel down and out. Worthless and live in exile.

[UBIK]

In May, I was diagnosed with MS. I got pretty down about the diagnosis. In June, my wife of 16 years tells me she is no longer happy and doesn't want to be married. Then for three months she let me hang around growing cooler towards me while she decide whether we were going to marriage counseling to resolve our problems or divorce. When I asked her about it, she said that I was pushing and.needed to back off.
My health was worsening from the stress and came to a head on Halloween night. We had a big fight because all she could say was that she didin't like me anymore, I was too hard to deal with, and she was not happy. She left me begging her to explain and went to pick up our daughter. She went to her sister's house to take our daughter trick or treating, something I wanted to do and was looking forward to. When they got home, I was heart broken and in bed. I stayed home from work the next a nade a serious suicide attempt. I took a bottle of90 zanaflex a muscle relaxer, and a bottle of Lorazepan. I woke up hours later in ICU. My wife came I when I woke up and told that I almost turned our little girl's birthday into a funeral. Then her mother told me that I was trying to take the easy way out. At the time I just could not see myself living another day with MS and no wife or family.
Three days later, I was checked out of the psych ward in which I was placed for observation. I made it out just in time to go to my daughter's birthday party. My wife told me that I was not to worry about who knew and who didn't know. Today was about our daughter and to quit being so selfish.
I have now been living with my parents since November. We split custody with our child, and are going through the divorce proceedings. I feel like a mess at work and at home. I am I. Pain from my MS and much of the exxacerbations are brought on by the stress of the situation.
I just feel helpless, hopeless, and unworthy of love. I am deeply depressed. I have no one to really speak to. I feel isolated. The only thing that motivates me is my daughter. But, she deserves a father that is self motivated. How much longer will this last? Sometimes I am afraid that I really did die and I am in Hell. God save me.

 

[kamya]

Welcome to the site. I hope you find something helpful here. Sounds like your wife was the one looking for the "easy way out." I don't understand why anyone would talk down to someone like that right after a suicide attempt. And since when is a birthday party more important than someone's life? Sorry, it just pisses me off when people with mental health issues get treated like crap by the people that are supposed to care about them.

It sounds hard man I don't know what to say.

 

[UBIK]

Welcome to the site. I hope you find something helpful here. Sounds like your wife was the one looking for the "easy way out." I don't understand why anyone would talk down to someone like that right after a suicide attempt. And since when is a birthday party more important than someone's life? Sorry, it just pisses me off when people with mental health issues get treated like crap by the people that are supposed to care about them.

It sounds hard man I don't know what to say.

That is not harsh. It is just a blut truth. Thank you.

 

[Blue_Eyed_Symphony]

Dude, I know exactly how it feels to feel abandoned and like everything is falling apart. And I know what it feels like to have someone that you want to hang on to, leave. I was 6. My mom a drug addict. She decided to move to Alabama with her boyfriend and left me and my brother. She came back in and out of my life, only to bring Hell and disparity into my life. But I never wanted o let go. She brought me so much pain, she sucked out all of the self worth that I had, but I thrived for her love that never came. I'm now 17, and I finally let go. As much as it hurts, it made me a better person. Don't depend on people for your happiness. Don't give them that power. I know its hard when love someone then they leave and take everything from you. Grieve. If you don't then it will mess you up later. But when the grieving process starts to get lighter and lighter, choose what to do with what situation you were given. But only make that decision when you're in a clear mind, when the grieving slows down and isn't so heavy. I wish the best. If you ever need someone to talk to, you can message me.

 

[HC22]

UBIK your story is heartbreaking.
I'm really sad to know all the things you had to go through.

Your wife and family seems scared to me, maybe they are afraid to stay beside someone they loved so much and see that person suffer, some people unconciously turn colder when the person they love is suffering because they are mentally unable to handle it. Try not to blame them, it could be a simple defense.


I hope things will end well, don't worry too much about your life ( and I know it's hard ) but worry about your soul, your body will grow weak as all of ours will but not your soul if you believe in God and in His message.

I already posted the sermon of the mount in this forum before, and I will do it again because I'm hoping that you can recive help from it too.
I wish you good luck

In your post you asked God to save you, well he will if you truly want him to :


Jesus taught us to pray to the Heavenly Father, In His Name.

John 14:13-14 13 "And whatever you ask in My name, that I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. 14 "If you ask anything in My name, I will do it.


THE SERMON ON THE MOUNT



CHAPTER V

A ND seeing the multitudes, he went up into the mountain :
** and when he had sat down, his disciples came unto him :
2 And he opened his mouth and taught them, saying,

3 TI Blessed are the poor in spirit : for theirs is the kingdom
of heaven.

4 If Blessed are they that mourn : for they shall be comforted.

5 If Blessed are the meek : for they shall inherit the earth.

6 If Blessed are they that hunger and thirst after righteous-
ness : for they shall be filled.

7 If Blessed are the merciful : for they shall obtain mercy.

8 TJ Blessed are the pure in heart : for they shall see God.

9 If Blessed are the peacemakers : for they shall be called
sons of God.

10 f Blessed are they that have been persecuted for righteous-
ness' sake : for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

1 1 Blessed are ye when men shall reproach you, and persecute
you, and say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake.

12 Rejoice, and be exceeding glad : for great is your reward
in heaven : for so persecuted they the prophets which were
before you.

13 If Ye are the salt of the earth : but if the salt have lost
its savour, wherewith shall it be salted ? it is thenceforth good
for nothing, but to be cast out and trodden under foot of men.

14 Ye are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot
be hid.

15 Neither do men light a lamp, and put it under the bushel,
but on the stand ; and it shineth unto all that are in the house.

1 6 Even so let your light shine before men, that they may
see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.

1 7 U Think not that I came to destroy the law or the prophets
I came not to destroy, but to fulfil.

 

[Lonely in BC]

Sounds like a raw deal (the MS, how your significant other has been to you, suicide attempt.....).

I can't put myself in your shoes with the exception of the being a parent to a young daughter part- my daughter (often referred to as "the Kid" by me) is the most inspirational part of my life- not my whole life but definitely the best part of it. I urge you to be the best father you can despite your battles.

There is a guy up the street from me who has MS. I see the pain and frustration he has on bad days but he doesn't let it define how he is going to live his life. He and his wife have also been raising his sister in laws special needs son- a challenge for a guy in his situation but he does it anyhow.

Checking out isn't the answer. That's not the legacy you want to leave for your child. Wouldn't you rather now she was proud of you for facing adversity rather than letting it get the best of you? I know that it's easy for me to write words while you have to live the cards that have been dealt to you but we all face challenges (some obviously tougher than others) in our lives. I'm pretty inspired by many here on ALL and the stories they share about the problems they deal with. You might not find an answer here but you will find compassion and a sense of companionship from many here.

I agree with HC22 regarding the wife and her families reaction- it could just be fear and how they react to the unknown. The sermon I could have done without though.

I hope things look up for you UBIK.

 

[Ak5]

I'm so sorry for your divorce proceedings, diagnosis and split custody. That really is a ton of problems to drop onto one single person.

You have your daughter, a big motivation. Focus on her, focus on living your life. Sure, MS is a debilitating disease, but you still have to live! It doesn't crush you entirely. Look forward to that, enjoy spending the time you can with your daughter.

Enjoy life to the best possible way, as everyone should do.

 

[Sheepish]

Thats some seriously rough stuff to go through and I understand some what how you feel, especially with the suicide part, people I thought were friends pretty much called me pathetic, a coward and said they pitied me when I attempted to take my own life. Suffice to say I no longer talk to them, people just don't understand any mental health issues, if I had of broken a leg or had some sort of physical injury they would of comforted me but because its a mental issue they just don't understand. What you need to hold on to is the fact that you have a child, she should be the most important thing in your life and you should do what ever you can to be there for her no matter how hard life is, you are very lucky to have a kid and should remember that above all else, I'd give anything to be a father, you are very lucky, remember that.

 

[UBIK]

Thank you for the kind words.

The suicide attempt was an act of desperation committed in a moment of absolute despair. It is not my proudest moment. That part of the issue has dissipated. I will have to answer for it.

Now, I am working on rebuilding. I know that all of you are correct about being the best I can for my daughter, however, I can't be the best if I am broken. I am healing and she is the biggest part of my healing process. The two of us are learning to be a family and find our new "normal".

The one thing that I can not do, and will not do, is define who I am through her. Or put another way, I will not let my only identity be that I am the father of my daughter. She deserves better than that. I am a complex and nuanced individual. She needs to be able to see me live my life and have me as a nurturing caregiver, guide, and role model. She does not need to feel like she is the kingpin of my universe holding all together. That will give her the misguided notion of hyper-self importance or create a guilt ridden child with a burdensome, meddling father. I will be her father. I will raise her. We will both love and accept each other as we grow into the people that we are to become in this world. We have a thing we do; whenever one of us is feeling sad, we hold our hand out and say, "put it here if it weighs a ton". She is only five, but man, she is brave.

To HC22: to illustrate my current plight with a biblical parable, I am like the seeds in The Parable of the Mustard Seed. There is one caveat. I am still the seeds in mid-throw. I have not landed yet: rocky ground, poor soil, rich dirt, or otherwise.

I have closed the door on my past with my ex-wife. Like all things relationships have a life span. Ours, unfortunately, ran its course. Most days, I am strong. Last night...not so much.

All the same, thank you kind strangers.

 

[HC22]

I have just read this( I believe it was written by a priest ) : "For we have some control over what kind of soil we will be…and from time to time, we all need to be gardeners, to be sure the word lands in good soil."
You have a choice, and it's so much better to make the right choice,... I wish you the best my friend.

Read the Gospel, the message of Jesus will help you.

 

[Sci-Fi]

Wow, that sucks. You'll get through this, when it's all done and your divorce is finalized and everything squared away you'll have less stress, less to worry about, that weight will be lifted off you.

 

[Jilted John]

UBIK,I've been there,but not with MS too.I think you are a star for trying to get through it all,best of luck!

 

[gofish]

In reading this thread, I am amazed by the candid words you've shared, UBIK, and the respect and value you expressed for your daughter's childhood. It sounds like you're a much stronger person than you may think, especially considering the challenges you've faced in the recent past!
At the same time, I know you're still hurting, so I'd like to offer some ideas that you can take or leave. I noticed in your last post that you mentioned still struggling with your divorce, which is totally understandable. If you're interested, there's some good information on working through divorce that I have run across in working with Focus on the Family. There's also articles on single parenting that you could check out. You can even talk to a counselor for free. Hope that helps!
Hang in there, UBIK. Remember that rebuilding and healing take time. You are in my thoughts and prayers, friend. God has not forgotten you!

 

[In a lonely place]

I wish you well my friend.