I'm a high school junior, female, 16 years of age, and I'm about to start my junior year of high school in an IB program. I have attended this new school for two years now.
I didn't have any friends at my old school, which I attended for eleven years. People saw me as weird because I didn't talk much, and I have social anxiety, so even when I wanted to talk, I looked really uncomfortable and scared. Generally, people completely ignored me, even pushing doors closed before I walked through. I had two friends, both of whom left me by freshmen year. One left because I wasn't popular, and he became popular because of his athletic abilities, so I was seen as a hindrance to his popularity. The other left for a reason I still can't figure out, moving 1,000 miles away and COMPLETELY breaking off all contact with me. I later learned that she was only my friend because she felt sorry for me (since I'm so socially awkward). She never even saw me as a friend, just a nuisance, a burden to her, and it made her feel better about herself to hang out with me because I was like her own charity case or something. I can't describe the inner torture I felt upon learning that. Her "friendship" meant so much to me, and to learn that I meant NOTHING to her, that she didn't even see me as her friend... That was the worst day of my life.
At my new school, the one with the IB program (I enrolled in tenth grade), I HAD three friends. I was so thankful, and I didn't think anything could go wrong. I mean, I finally had friends who I could hang out with outside of school, the people who I could confide in, the people who I could point at and definitively say that they would never leave my side... until a more popular girl came into the picture and made it very clear that she didn't like me. She didn't like me because I have always been shy and quiet, and I have social anxiety, and she deemed that weird, so she told my three friends that they could either be friends with me, or her. My friends wanted to be friends with the popular girl, so they chose her over me and dropped me. Along the way, they made it obvious that they were only friends with me because I was easy to manipulate, so they would do things like asking to see the answers to my homework or asking me to wait in line for desserts at lunch because they knew I would; they knew I was desperate. That broke my heart just as much as learning about the girl at my old school pitying me.
There's another girl at my new school. She's beautiful, kind, and extremely intelligent. When I was still friends with the three girls in the above paragraph, she started trying to befriend me, and my friends had a problem with that because they were jealous of her. That also contributed to them not wanting to hang out around me, because it was like I was conversing with a traitor. Now that I'm no longer friends with those three friends described above, she's trying to be my friend. For the first time, someone is genuinely reaching out to me to GENUINELY be my friend.
However, at this point, my social anxiety is worse than it has ever been, and because of my previous experiences with "friends", I'm having some trouble trusting people. There are points where she'll gesture for me to walk over to her, and I'll break into a sweat and run away because I don't know what I'll talk about with her, or I'm scared that I'll mess up when I'm talking to her, or that she'll think I'm awkward, or she'll judge me. I always have to come up with some excuse, like my mom calling my phone, or I forgot I said I was meeting someone somewhere, or something like that. I don't fit in well with the rest of her friends, anyways, and she usually hangs around them. I'm scared to death that I'll mess this up. On top of that, I'm even more afraid that she just pities me like the girl above, or that she'll drop me if I don't live up to social standards or if I become a hindrance or an inconvenience.
I am SO scared that she pities me. Whenever I think of the possibility that she simply pities me, I start sweating and breathing hard, and I have to try not to cry.
I really need help. What if this girl DOES see me as a friend? What if she doesn't pity me? I'm still SO RIDICULOUSLY scared that she does, and if that happens to me again, I don't know what I'm going to do, but until then, I'm scared to become attached to what might become a friendship.
By the way, sorry this was so long... I just needed to vent, I guess. I'm just scared, and I don't know what to do.
I didn't have any friends at my old school, which I attended for eleven years. People saw me as weird because I didn't talk much, and I have social anxiety, so even when I wanted to talk, I looked really uncomfortable and scared. Generally, people completely ignored me, even pushing doors closed before I walked through. I had two friends, both of whom left me by freshmen year. One left because I wasn't popular, and he became popular because of his athletic abilities, so I was seen as a hindrance to his popularity. The other left for a reason I still can't figure out, moving 1,000 miles away and COMPLETELY breaking off all contact with me. I later learned that she was only my friend because she felt sorry for me (since I'm so socially awkward). She never even saw me as a friend, just a nuisance, a burden to her, and it made her feel better about herself to hang out with me because I was like her own charity case or something. I can't describe the inner torture I felt upon learning that. Her "friendship" meant so much to me, and to learn that I meant NOTHING to her, that she didn't even see me as her friend... That was the worst day of my life.
At my new school, the one with the IB program (I enrolled in tenth grade), I HAD three friends. I was so thankful, and I didn't think anything could go wrong. I mean, I finally had friends who I could hang out with outside of school, the people who I could confide in, the people who I could point at and definitively say that they would never leave my side... until a more popular girl came into the picture and made it very clear that she didn't like me. She didn't like me because I have always been shy and quiet, and I have social anxiety, and she deemed that weird, so she told my three friends that they could either be friends with me, or her. My friends wanted to be friends with the popular girl, so they chose her over me and dropped me. Along the way, they made it obvious that they were only friends with me because I was easy to manipulate, so they would do things like asking to see the answers to my homework or asking me to wait in line for desserts at lunch because they knew I would; they knew I was desperate. That broke my heart just as much as learning about the girl at my old school pitying me.
There's another girl at my new school. She's beautiful, kind, and extremely intelligent. When I was still friends with the three girls in the above paragraph, she started trying to befriend me, and my friends had a problem with that because they were jealous of her. That also contributed to them not wanting to hang out around me, because it was like I was conversing with a traitor. Now that I'm no longer friends with those three friends described above, she's trying to be my friend. For the first time, someone is genuinely reaching out to me to GENUINELY be my friend.
However, at this point, my social anxiety is worse than it has ever been, and because of my previous experiences with "friends", I'm having some trouble trusting people. There are points where she'll gesture for me to walk over to her, and I'll break into a sweat and run away because I don't know what I'll talk about with her, or I'm scared that I'll mess up when I'm talking to her, or that she'll think I'm awkward, or she'll judge me. I always have to come up with some excuse, like my mom calling my phone, or I forgot I said I was meeting someone somewhere, or something like that. I don't fit in well with the rest of her friends, anyways, and she usually hangs around them. I'm scared to death that I'll mess this up. On top of that, I'm even more afraid that she just pities me like the girl above, or that she'll drop me if I don't live up to social standards or if I become a hindrance or an inconvenience.
I am SO scared that she pities me. Whenever I think of the possibility that she simply pities me, I start sweating and breathing hard, and I have to try not to cry.
I really need help. What if this girl DOES see me as a friend? What if she doesn't pity me? I'm still SO RIDICULOUSLY scared that she does, and if that happens to me again, I don't know what I'm going to do, but until then, I'm scared to become attached to what might become a friendship.
By the way, sorry this was so long... I just needed to vent, I guess. I'm just scared, and I don't know what to do.
