MentatsGhoul
Well-known member
Firstly, this is a very serious thread, and I honestly don't want to deal with any half-assed opinionated responses from people who clearly don't care, haven't bothered to go into it, or outright want to make me feel worse. Please. I know that's a bit selfish, but plain and simple, I need help, and I don't know where to turn, and I don't want this thread to be about anything else.
I've tried everything I could think of, healthy and unhealthy. Therapy? Tried it. Having my feelings constantly questioned and put into a box just made me feel worse. It was a complete waste of money. Despite being a very skeptical atheist, I've tried praying, meditation, the so-called "power of positive thinking", all that spiritual bullshit. Sometimes I even managed to convince myself it was real. But it wasn't. Nothing changed. I've tried "self-medicating" with alcohol and cigarettes, I was a borderline alcoholic for a while. For years I lived a life with only one or two "close" friends, usually online. They'd all either be very unhealthy, or abandoned me the moment I fell into a dark place. I've tried doing things "for myself", writing, a little bit of drawing, but I just can't focus on it for too long without getting burned out. At my worst, I started somehow randomly making more friends, most of whom are in my building. I know they mostly like me, but none are too close. I've tried opening up about a few things, but it's the type of circle that mostly just hangs out and tries to have fun, I haven't managed to keep the conversation on me for long. Which is fine. The distraction helps, when you're going out and having a few drinks, maybe some conversation, just the fact that you're surrounded by people who don't constantly look down on you. But the moment that distraction is gone, the moment I have a bit of introvert "burnout" from socialising too much or I don't know what to say or do or everyone is too busy to do anything, it comes back almost instantly. It's like a bandaid. I've tried to maybe find dates, but as of now, it's just not happening. I'm awful at first impressions, and I've been told I'm quite intimidating at first (e.g. I once made accidental eye contact with a girl walking behind me when I heard a noise, and she literally ran off ahead of me. This was at around 5 PM and there were loads of people around) and online dating has given me zero success.
The funny thing is, I don't have particularly low self-esteem. I used to be very shy, bordering on social anxiety, but nowadays, I'm fine. I'm not saying I'm 100% comfortable in every situation, but not much worse than the average person. I look in the mirror, and 9 times out of 10 I feel very happy with my looks. I'm quite self-aware, I know I'm not the smartest person in the world, but I do know I'm quite thoughtful and intelligent in a few areas, particularly when it comes to philosophy, existentialism etc. So, "looking-inwards" hasn't really helped.
I can't really pinpoint it. I just feel empty. Not appreciated. Often times cast out. Even with my "friends" sometimes, and always with just about everyone else. Truth is, I see no reason to keep going. Maybe things will get better. But maybe they won't. Or maybe it'll take what, 3 years, 5 years, 10 years, another 20? And all the while, I'll continue to suffer, feel like I have nothing to live for. It's just not worth it anymore, and I've been feeling like I'm at my limit for a while now. Every night, I wish I either won't wake up or things will change the next day, but neither ever happens. I constantly think of walking to my university campus and jumping off the ledge of the walkway. I've gone out there a few times at night and just peered down, but never had the courage to do it. I worry about the one day I just... will. And I don't know what other options I have left at this point. I wish I did, but I don't.
I've tried everything I could think of, healthy and unhealthy. Therapy? Tried it. Having my feelings constantly questioned and put into a box just made me feel worse. It was a complete waste of money. Despite being a very skeptical atheist, I've tried praying, meditation, the so-called "power of positive thinking", all that spiritual bullshit. Sometimes I even managed to convince myself it was real. But it wasn't. Nothing changed. I've tried "self-medicating" with alcohol and cigarettes, I was a borderline alcoholic for a while. For years I lived a life with only one or two "close" friends, usually online. They'd all either be very unhealthy, or abandoned me the moment I fell into a dark place. I've tried doing things "for myself", writing, a little bit of drawing, but I just can't focus on it for too long without getting burned out. At my worst, I started somehow randomly making more friends, most of whom are in my building. I know they mostly like me, but none are too close. I've tried opening up about a few things, but it's the type of circle that mostly just hangs out and tries to have fun, I haven't managed to keep the conversation on me for long. Which is fine. The distraction helps, when you're going out and having a few drinks, maybe some conversation, just the fact that you're surrounded by people who don't constantly look down on you. But the moment that distraction is gone, the moment I have a bit of introvert "burnout" from socialising too much or I don't know what to say or do or everyone is too busy to do anything, it comes back almost instantly. It's like a bandaid. I've tried to maybe find dates, but as of now, it's just not happening. I'm awful at first impressions, and I've been told I'm quite intimidating at first (e.g. I once made accidental eye contact with a girl walking behind me when I heard a noise, and she literally ran off ahead of me. This was at around 5 PM and there were loads of people around) and online dating has given me zero success.
The funny thing is, I don't have particularly low self-esteem. I used to be very shy, bordering on social anxiety, but nowadays, I'm fine. I'm not saying I'm 100% comfortable in every situation, but not much worse than the average person. I look in the mirror, and 9 times out of 10 I feel very happy with my looks. I'm quite self-aware, I know I'm not the smartest person in the world, but I do know I'm quite thoughtful and intelligent in a few areas, particularly when it comes to philosophy, existentialism etc. So, "looking-inwards" hasn't really helped.
I can't really pinpoint it. I just feel empty. Not appreciated. Often times cast out. Even with my "friends" sometimes, and always with just about everyone else. Truth is, I see no reason to keep going. Maybe things will get better. But maybe they won't. Or maybe it'll take what, 3 years, 5 years, 10 years, another 20? And all the while, I'll continue to suffer, feel like I have nothing to live for. It's just not worth it anymore, and I've been feeling like I'm at my limit for a while now. Every night, I wish I either won't wake up or things will change the next day, but neither ever happens. I constantly think of walking to my university campus and jumping off the ledge of the walkway. I've gone out there a few times at night and just peered down, but never had the courage to do it. I worry about the one day I just... will. And I don't know what other options I have left at this point. I wish I did, but I don't.