morrowrd said:
How long have you two been together? How long have you been married? What's going on between you and your husband that you're frustrated about?
Just to clarify, we aren't in any imminent danger of breaking up right now. I do hope we can continue to keep our relationship going AND continue to enjoy each other, but I'm just, I don't know, maybe a little cynical? This cynicism is informed by my life experiences. My mom and stepdad have been married for 30 years and they are decidedly unhappy together most of the time. Not having knock-down, drag-out fights, but they just don't "get" each other anymore. We've been together 8 years, married for 6. There's nothing I would say "earth shattering" going wrong in our relationship aside from the usual issues I think most couples encounter once that "new relationship energy" wears off. We have both changed quite a bit as people in those years, mostly in the form of both of us picking up interests and hobbies that are very divergent when we used to be more into the same things. Nothing deal-breaking yet, and we regularly check in. I still believe we are a decent match, we love each other, etc. We're trying to keep things cool and interesting and work out the kinks in our relationship. We're both loners who found each other to be alone together with.
However, he and I DO occasionally have the "what if" conversation. We both came to the conclusion that neither one of us wants to be like my parents, or his, for that matter (his were also barely tolerating each other by the time his mom died). IF it ever comes to that, we would go our separate ways in the most kind and loving way possible, and breaking up WOULD be a last resort. That being said, neither of us is PLANNING on ending things as of NOW. I was more just saying if, say 5 or 10 years down the road, it doesn't work out, I'm pretty content with the idea of embracing the single life.
I was basically trying to get across that the simple IDEA of simply being single doesn't actually bother me. If hypothetically things didn't work out, I wouldn't pursue further romances going forward (at least I feel that way now). A thing I figured out about myself in my mid 30's which I didn't "get" in 20's is that at my nature, I'm NOT a very "relationship-py" person. Now it's just something about me that I try to keep under wraps so I am not a bad partner (basically I'm always on guard to keep my innate selfishness at bay so I treat him like he deserves to be treated). Society stigmatizes being single, and the concept of being single by choice really baffles most people. But there are perks to it, perks I didn't see when I was younger and had rose colored glasses on about what being in love is like.
As far as partners go, my husband is a good person and he keeps up his end of the bargain. He is respectful and affectionate, but gives me my space and lets me do stuff I want to do, and I do the same for him. He works and does his end of the housework. He is a good man, and I'm not planning on running off. I'm just saying that as we move into middle age, if we find we change enough that we're no longer compatible, sure I would mourn the end of that relationship, but I wouldn't have hard feelings against him, and I wouldn't be seeking out a new partner to replace him. I would accept that this go-around didn't work out, get into therapy to help me grieve in a healthy way, and settle into singledom. I know this must be a confusing duality, but there it is.
