I Keep Getting It Wrong

[psy-_-chosis]

Hello,

Every relationship I get into, I seem to get it wrong. Either I choose the wrong person for me unintentionally, or I have a mental breakdown. My last relationship was really bad. I am trying to forget the good times of it, so that I don't get upset or have rose-coloured glasses about it. I think the truth is, I made plenty of bad decisions for it to end so badly, and for the whole relationship to be a roller coaster (and not in a good way) for my mental well-being. I felt determined to make it work, even with glaring red flags throughout and even at the start. She cheated many times, I do beat myself up about how I allowed it and forgave her, only for her to do it again. Not only that but it is basically known that this happened. I feel like a complete fool or weak person and cannot see how anyone will ever judge me other than that. I lost my flat which we lived in for about a year. I went back to my parents which is kind of sad at my age.

After the breakup, and kind of at the end of it, I went into another psychotic episode which basically lasted for several months. I am now getting flashbacks of my episode, now that I am okay again. It's horrible. Sometimes I truly feel like a burden to people that love me. My family, my friends. Because they all helped me through it, even work helped me through it. I keep getting it wrong. I keep getting Love wrong. I try to analyse it and over-think it a lot. Maybe I keep punishing myself and selling myself short by just staying with the wrong people in relationships. Perhaps I feel I am not worthy of better. I can't cope with the dating websites and apps. I never get dates out of them. The women I meet on nights out just don't feel like people I should try with anymore. Also, I sometimes think is a relationship even worth it anymore. They will find out I have Schizophrenia and run, or I will fall in love with someone and it will end badly. I can't even fathom marrying or having children. I think that would not be fair on them to have a father with mental health issues, or parents who could get divorced.

Basically, I am lost.

I am resilient, however. I am kind, caring and funny. I have a good passion for music, which really helps me. I enjoy work and am doing well there and improving every day. I am getting accustomed to solitude again. I am beginning to exercise again. I am growing out of partying and 'going out'. I have had many flings and short relationships but the last relationship before this one(which lasted over a year) was in 2011. I guess I will wait another 10 years for another chance, and erase the last 2 years from my memory.

Should I not bother looking or pursuing relationships, and let it happen?

Should I keep trying with dating apps?

Should I just accept being alone forever and avoid relationships?

I'd like to know what people who don't know me think.

 

[Cherubino]

If the Universe created a male specimen like you it definitely created a female counterpart as well so you should never give up ... also the best advisor in your major life enterprises like this one should be the mental health specialist .. I'm talking from the position of having similar issues so this how I think for myself

 

[okidoke]

a) welcome
b) honest opinion- don’t have children
c) you need help with your condition. It’s not healthy for a relationship for it to be so impactful
d) something attracted and kept your partner with you, so don’t dismiss the ability to find another
e) you need to set boundaries that if broken have the consequences of you ending the relationship
f) see c) again

 

[TropicalStarfish]

Welcome.

To me it just seems like a relationship that didn't work out. If at first you don't succeed, try, try, again.

Elyn Saks is married; John Forbes Nash Jr., was married. I forget her name and the name of her book, but, there was a woman with that diagnosis in Europe, who married, and had a child. In highschool my German teacher, I think it was, was married to a guy with that diagnosis, with children (it didn't work out in the end I don't think, his behavior and detachment was becoming too burdensome, but these things happen in all relationships; if it's too one sided people don't like it)

So, to me, they are two separate issues really.

If you want to find Love some day, then, just keep looking. Or, perhaps, let it come to you, or a mixture of both.

Psychologically speaking, it's interesting the kinds of sub-conscious signals we give off, and consequently who we tend to attract or or be attracted to as a result. These things are such a core part of ourselves, I highly doubt anyone can really do much about it. Even with a lot of self-observation, change, and improvement, aided or unaided, I don't think that makes it go away (whatever the heck it is); though, having an awareness of our self on that level, may help us to avoid pitfalls/the pitfalls of our nature.

Difficult breakups usually mean we should seek some time to, process all of it, get back to a healthier place, and then, go from there, I suppose.

I think when two people find eachother, share a love, are good to and for eachother, something beautiful and sustaining occurs. That may be a rare thing though, generally speaking, for anyone. Timing is a big factor. Circumstance is another big factor. And both of those things are often not very much within our control. We make the best of what we have, optimally, I suppose?

Maybe if we can find ourselves in a good place, and some one who is good for us and good to us, who we are good for, and are good to, something quite good can happen.

I'm quite certain many folks have come and gone from this place, wondering the same stuff...
You've got married folks looking to get away from that hell; married folks who are lonely, and unhappy.
You've got single folks who are miserable being alone; single folks who are discovering themselves, working on themselves, and enjoying being single for the first time in their lives, in a long time.

Everyone has their own journey they are on. Sometimes it's painfully difficult, other times, it's delightful. etc.. etc..

It's all part of that sometimes pesky and difficult thing, called life, I suppose.

 

[user 150037]

Good job for maintaining kindness and also for continuing to do the things that you love.

Reading your post is like reading about every single person in my peer support group - so youre definately not alone in this.

Everyone here has summed up my thoughts.

 

[psy-_-chosis]

a) welcome
b) honest opinion- don’t have children
c) you need help with your condition. It’s not healthy for a relationship for it to be so impactful
d) something attracted and kept your partner with you, so don’t dismiss the ability to find another
e) you need to set boundaries that if broken have the consequences of you ending the relationship
f) see c) again

A) Thank you

B) Care to elaborate?

C) I do get help with my condition, when it arises. It is not something that is there 24/7. It occurs in stressful life events, like a partner leaving you/cheating on you. I wouldn’t agree that it is impactful on a relationship if it occurred after the breakup.

D) Yes, I can agree that people are attracted to a variety of traits in others. I do think there’s more chances.

E) I realise this now, although it’s harder these days as you’re generally labelled as insecure for setting the smallest of boundaries.

 

[psy-_-chosis]

Welcome.

To me it just seems like a relationship that didn't work out. If at first you don't succeed, try, try, again.

Elyn Saks is married; John Forbes Nash Jr., was married. I forget her name and the name of her book, but, there was a woman with that diagnosis in Europe, who married, and had a child. In highschool my German teacher, I think it was, was married to a guy with that diagnosis, with children (it didn't work out in the end I don't think, his behavior and detachment was becoming too burdensome, but these things happen in all relationships; if it's too one sided people don't like it)

So, to me, they are two separate issues really.

If you want to find Love some day, then, just keep looking. Or, perhaps, let it come to you, or a mixture of both.

Psychologically speaking, it's interesting the kinds of sub-conscious signals we give off, and consequently who we tend to attract or or be attracted to as a result. These things are such a core part of ourselves, I highly doubt anyone can really do much about it. Even with a lot of self-observation, change, and improvement, aided or unaided, I don't think that makes it go away (whatever the heck it is); though, having an awareness of our self on that level, may help us to avoid pitfalls/the pitfalls of our nature.

Difficult breakups usually mean we should seek some time to, process all of it, get back to a healthier place, and then, go from there, I suppose.

I think when two people find eachother, share a love, are good to and for eachother, something beautiful and sustaining occurs. That may be a rare thing though, generally speaking, for anyone. Timing is a big factor. Circumstance is another big factor. And both of those things are often not very much within our control. We make the best of what we have, optimally, I suppose?

Maybe if we can find ourselves in a good place, and some one who is good for us and good to us, who we are good for, and are good to, something quite good can happen.

I'm quite certain many folks have come and gone from this place, wondering the same stuff...
You've got married folks looking to get away from that hell; married folks who are lonely, and unhappy.
You've got single folks who are miserable being alone; single folks who are discovering themselves, working on themselves, and enjoying being single for the first time in their lives, in a long time.

Everyone has their own journey they are on. Sometimes it's painfully difficult, other times, it's delightful. etc.. etc..

It's all part of that sometimes pesky and difficult thing, called life, I suppose.

Thank you,

I agree that my condition does not mean a life sentence of problems. It gets more manageable every year. It’s not there all the time and I went about 10 years without it before.

But I get better at avoiding it. More resilient too.

Psychologically, I agree. Our subconscious really broadcasts our feelings to others/situations. Body language, tone of voice. That’s okay though, if I don’t find someone tomorrow or next years it means my mind/body isn’t ready or my lifestyle needs a bit of a change. Or there’s always going to be a bit of luck involved too.

I definitely need to take time out to process it. Last two years were kind of out there in their own right. Had my first place to live, a new girlfriend and new job. I fell out with a long-standing friend who turned out to be a woman beater and manipulator. He would even manipulate me. But that’s over now.

I feel I am making the right steps and decisions. The grass can always seem greener on the other side (single or not). This winter I am going to keep to myself and appreciate the solitude and peace.

 

[okidoke]

B) Care to elaborate?

Well, if you do have a serious mental condition, possibly passing such a condition to your children isn’t a good thing in my opinion. I say that because of things I’ve passed onto my own before I was aware.

C) I do get help with my condition, when it arises. It is not something that is there 24/7. It occurs in stressful life events, like a partner leaving you/cheating on you. I wouldn’t agree that it is impactful on a relationship if it occurred after the breakup.

Sorry, I thought you were a sufferer prior. I guess don’t worry?

E) I realise this now, although it’s harder these days as you’re generally labelled as insecure for setting the smallest of boundaries.

Cheating isn’t a small boundary.