HappyYogi
Well-known member
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]I just need to share. Just fyi I am older than you guys. Well into middle age.[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]I live in a city where I used to socialize with a few other women my age. We are all in the vegan community and we had that in common.[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]A few years back, one of the women and I, formed a social club. I ended up doing all the work. I thought she would step up eventually, but then I learned she had no intention of stepping up, and was fine with me doing all the work. Later, she didn't even want to pay her share! I wasn't good with this so I asked her to step down. I wanted a real partner (and I have one now). I was hurt she used me but I did offer to talk to her about it to "clear the air". She refused saying, like a high schooler, that she was "cool". I was so disgusted by her and couldn't believe she would use me. I also was hurt she refused to clear the air. Apparently I wasn't even important enough to do that. I find her to be very lacking self awareness, closed and cold. Anyways, I decided to stay away from her because the whole thing was just very unkind and juvenile. I totally lost any good feelings I had of her. Let's call her "A"[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]Meanwhile, I see another person from this community often by chance. Let's call her "L". It's so weird, but I have bumped into her and her significant other about 6 times! in local market and farmer's market in the last years. They are the ONLY people I know who I ever bump into. Is that not a coincidence? Each time I'd see them we'd chit chat and seem to enjoy ourselves. At the farmer's market we'd talk too much we forget we were blocking people. I loaned her a book once. I never ever tried to see them or meet them, it would just happen. I just realized tonight how unique that was (not that it means anything to them but it does to me).[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]Meanwhile, in these past years I can see that I am "out" of the group. Maybe because A said bad things about me, I don't know. I was certain they were socializing without me (for reasons not totally known) but I accepted it. I did my best to let go and I moved on.[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]SO, this Sunday I see "L" and her significant other at the farmer's market again. This is after not seeing them all during COVID (I had stopped going because of it). She sees me and warmly says "How are you"???? She seems to mean it. So we move to the side and we start talking, mostly about COVID issues and the vegan community. She is kind of unloading her frustration with the vegan community. I think the conversation is interesting and fun, as usual. At least for me. We laugh and smile. She even says she wants to go to a certain meeting with me.[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]But I end up getting enormously hurt by them, again. During the conversation L brings up "A" without thinking how it may make me feel. I am sure she knows we had a falling out. She also brought up how they invited "A" to the beach, but "A" wouldn't go without wearing a mask. She even said "We haven't seen A for months". Ouch. This hurt because they have NEVER invited me anywhere, even though I reached out to L. Also, they never cared whether they saw me again for months. I am sure if I moved they wouldn't care. What's worse is her telling me this. Like she didn't even think how it would make me feel. It's like I am invisible. [/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]What stings also is that I don't even think "A" is very appealing. She is a kind of a cold fish and not particularly warm. But it's not me to tell her who to hang out with. I can't help but be curious why not me? Because it we have so much in common and a sort of chemistry. [/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]The whole thing shook me up for a long time after. I can't help but wonder "Why don't they invite me"? "What is wrong with me that I am not invited"? "Why don't I matter"?, "Why don't they think of my feelings when they are discussing others? It's like I have zero value or I am invisible. Also I think "Why are they having conversations with me, are friendly to me, but couldn't care less if they don't see me? [/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]I just can't understand it. I so WISH I understood WHY I am left out. I have realized a long time ago, I will often not understand why people are the way they are and I probably can't know. I have reached peace with that until now. But I so WISH I could know WHY. If I knew why maybe I could make peace with it. Maybe I could understand it.[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]I started thinking more. Why do they like to talk to me but never care to socialize with me? Maybe she just wanted to vent about COVID? Maybe I am just a convenience? I don't know. They don't ignore me when they bump into me. [/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]It's very painful. It's triggered all sorts of things. It leaves me confused. I cannot find my joy right now. I feel "not good enough" and I don't know why.[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]I've decided to avoid them. I never consciously tried to bump into them but if I go to that market, I will go later. And if I see them, I don't think I'll stop and talk to them anymore. I'll just smile and walk my way. It's just too hurtful and I am tired of hiding my feelings. [/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]Have any suggestions? Experienced anything like I did? Have any healing techniques or ways I can look at it so I release this pain? How to heal my sense of self? This left me feeling like a nothing. [/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]One thing I've learned from this. I don't want to make anyone feel the way I do. I don't want to give mixed signals, I don't want others to feel rejected and invisible because of my thoughtlessness.[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]****************[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]After writing this I think I had a realization. I think she liked talking to me Sunday because she needed someone to vent with about the COVID issue and I would be the one who would understand her. But she doesn't want more from me. She just wanted me as a release. Sigh. Do you guys have any intuitive hits?[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]I live in a city where I used to socialize with a few other women my age. We are all in the vegan community and we had that in common.[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]A few years back, one of the women and I, formed a social club. I ended up doing all the work. I thought she would step up eventually, but then I learned she had no intention of stepping up, and was fine with me doing all the work. Later, she didn't even want to pay her share! I wasn't good with this so I asked her to step down. I wanted a real partner (and I have one now). I was hurt she used me but I did offer to talk to her about it to "clear the air". She refused saying, like a high schooler, that she was "cool". I was so disgusted by her and couldn't believe she would use me. I also was hurt she refused to clear the air. Apparently I wasn't even important enough to do that. I find her to be very lacking self awareness, closed and cold. Anyways, I decided to stay away from her because the whole thing was just very unkind and juvenile. I totally lost any good feelings I had of her. Let's call her "A"[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]Meanwhile, I see another person from this community often by chance. Let's call her "L". It's so weird, but I have bumped into her and her significant other about 6 times! in local market and farmer's market in the last years. They are the ONLY people I know who I ever bump into. Is that not a coincidence? Each time I'd see them we'd chit chat and seem to enjoy ourselves. At the farmer's market we'd talk too much we forget we were blocking people. I loaned her a book once. I never ever tried to see them or meet them, it would just happen. I just realized tonight how unique that was (not that it means anything to them but it does to me).[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]Meanwhile, in these past years I can see that I am "out" of the group. Maybe because A said bad things about me, I don't know. I was certain they were socializing without me (for reasons not totally known) but I accepted it. I did my best to let go and I moved on.[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]SO, this Sunday I see "L" and her significant other at the farmer's market again. This is after not seeing them all during COVID (I had stopped going because of it). She sees me and warmly says "How are you"???? She seems to mean it. So we move to the side and we start talking, mostly about COVID issues and the vegan community. She is kind of unloading her frustration with the vegan community. I think the conversation is interesting and fun, as usual. At least for me. We laugh and smile. She even says she wants to go to a certain meeting with me.[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]But I end up getting enormously hurt by them, again. During the conversation L brings up "A" without thinking how it may make me feel. I am sure she knows we had a falling out. She also brought up how they invited "A" to the beach, but "A" wouldn't go without wearing a mask. She even said "We haven't seen A for months". Ouch. This hurt because they have NEVER invited me anywhere, even though I reached out to L. Also, they never cared whether they saw me again for months. I am sure if I moved they wouldn't care. What's worse is her telling me this. Like she didn't even think how it would make me feel. It's like I am invisible. [/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]What stings also is that I don't even think "A" is very appealing. She is a kind of a cold fish and not particularly warm. But it's not me to tell her who to hang out with. I can't help but be curious why not me? Because it we have so much in common and a sort of chemistry. [/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]The whole thing shook me up for a long time after. I can't help but wonder "Why don't they invite me"? "What is wrong with me that I am not invited"? "Why don't I matter"?, "Why don't they think of my feelings when they are discussing others? It's like I have zero value or I am invisible. Also I think "Why are they having conversations with me, are friendly to me, but couldn't care less if they don't see me? [/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]I just can't understand it. I so WISH I understood WHY I am left out. I have realized a long time ago, I will often not understand why people are the way they are and I probably can't know. I have reached peace with that until now. But I so WISH I could know WHY. If I knew why maybe I could make peace with it. Maybe I could understand it.[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]I started thinking more. Why do they like to talk to me but never care to socialize with me? Maybe she just wanted to vent about COVID? Maybe I am just a convenience? I don't know. They don't ignore me when they bump into me. [/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]It's very painful. It's triggered all sorts of things. It leaves me confused. I cannot find my joy right now. I feel "not good enough" and I don't know why.[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]I've decided to avoid them. I never consciously tried to bump into them but if I go to that market, I will go later. And if I see them, I don't think I'll stop and talk to them anymore. I'll just smile and walk my way. It's just too hurtful and I am tired of hiding my feelings. [/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]Have any suggestions? Experienced anything like I did? Have any healing techniques or ways I can look at it so I release this pain? How to heal my sense of self? This left me feeling like a nothing. [/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]One thing I've learned from this. I don't want to make anyone feel the way I do. I don't want to give mixed signals, I don't want others to feel rejected and invisible because of my thoughtlessness.[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]****************[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]After writing this I think I had a realization. I think she liked talking to me Sunday because she needed someone to vent with about the COVID issue and I would be the one who would understand her. But she doesn't want more from me. She just wanted me as a release. Sigh. Do you guys have any intuitive hits?[/font]