I'm a fool.

[raincloud]

An old friend I like, but haven't seen in a year and a half (we live 70 miles apart and neither of us owns a car), wrote to me on Facebook to say she was in town this evening and wanted to know if I wanted to hang out. She wrote two days in advance, and I have just sat on it. I couldn't respond. I didn't want to see her because I didn't want to bother lying about working (I am disabled and I often lie about it because I am ashamed and people often think badly of people who don't work). Also I have gained a lot of weight, and I am so depressed I truly cannot function. I have ignored two other friends in this fashion. I don't want people to think I don't like them, but I don't know how to express that without divulging the issues that bring me shame. I have spent most of the past several months lying on my floor in a ball, wanting to die. That isn't an exaggeration. I hardly have any furniture, so I lie on the floor with blankets thinking about death. I can't think of much else and I doubt I would be good company. Also, I have stopped drinking so I would have even MORE trouble talking. Also, my place is a mess and I don't want visitors. It took all of my energy just to wash my dishes yesterday.

I am especially concerned because this friend has had some major life changes recently and she might need a friend and I don't want her to think I am judgmental when I am happy for her.

Is there anything I can do or should I just resign to being a shut-in forever?

 

[painter's radio]

Tell them, please, just tell them. Tell her at least. Wouldn't you want to be told if it were you? OK so you don't owe anyone anything really, but it's not nice to be left wondering why you are ignored. If your life is this bad already, how much worse will it get if you tell this one person? Is the shame of her knowing the truth about you going to make your life so much more unbearable, than the guilt you feel for avoiding her?

But I know the feeling. I guarantee you I do, or have hated myself as much as you do in the past. I've been there, laying on the floor with thoughts of nothing but death, for years. One day I decided to do something about it. It involved stock-piling my various medications for a month, a bottle of whiskey and a razor. It was the shittest thing I have ever done and now everybody knows what a fresia up I am. Small town. Everyone knows. It's awkward as honeysuckle and as if I didn't feel stupid enough around people already, I now have this on my mind too. But the good thing about it is that people will respect my stuff more... my alone time, my good times, whatever. At least someone knows, and they are no longer offended if I decline invitations.

Please tell her. If I knew where you lived I'd come to your house, knock down your door and give you the biggest hug in the world ever, and would not let go until you said ok I feel a bit better now. I wouldn't give a honeysuckle if your house is a mess. For just a few minutes, I'd be your umbrella. Then I'd apologise for breaking your door and arrange to have it fixed.

Tell her. Please.

 

[raincloud]

This is going to sound stupid, but that is my worst nightmare. Background info: every person I am related to is either a doctor, nurse, lawyer, or high-level scientist with a PhD. I was a weird artsy kid. I stopped speaking to them YEARS ago, but if I hadn't, they would surely have stopped talking to me by now. I had a bout of depression that left me mostly mute and catatonic, and my father screamed at me for getting bad grades. He told me that I was [offensive term against people with mental disabilities that I won't repeat] and that I should change my name because he didn't want anyone to know he was related to me. I was 15! I can only imagine the screaming he would do if he knew I hadn't worked in 5 years, or that I was never able to get a promotion and only had menial low-wage jobs. I lost a lot of weight a few years ago and he would scream if he knew I gained it back. I know that people I know aren't my father, or other equally bad family members but I expect everyone to laugh at me or think horrible things and I can't take it. I would be an incoherent mess. I don't even know what I would say. I KNOW this friend wouldn't do that but we aren't THAT close. I have only told three people and I can't even face THEM.

 

[VanillaCreme]

If they are true friends to you, then they're friends. There's no other way around a true friendship. No other way around people who honestly, truly care about you and your well-being. Sounds to me like you expect them to say the worst. But you can't expect that from them. Because when you expect the worst, you'll get the worst. I'd invite them over, and if they don't like your home, they can leave. No one is forcing them to be there.

Also, perhaps talking to someone about how you're feeling and doing will help. I never underestimate the power of simply talking about issues.