I actually don't really know how to start this so I'm just going to wing it as I've stared at my screen for 15 minutes and nothing intelligent really seems to be forthcoming.
I guess this is my last ditch attempt at maybe... What? I don't even know. I don't know what I want to do. I do, but I don't. Which isn't making any sense, I know. For anyone who may have a good memory, I'm sure my impression was one of a lost, confused, messed up individual and that hasn't changed (obviously) for the better but slipped rather severly in the wrong direction.
I have stumbled through life this far completely blind and on my own and I haven't figured out a **** thing yet. Every major and minor turn I've had to make, I had to choose based on solely the advice of me - what I knew, didn't know, my judgements on good or bad or safe or unsafe or right or wrong - and there isn't a worse person in the world to look too for advice and guidance then myself because I can't get a thing right. I guess it's hard to make a right decision when all you have to base your most edcauted guess on is a background of failures. I have wished more in the last year then in all of my 22 (23? I can't remember how old I am) years that I had sort of parent like figure to sit me down and impart some of their life knowledge to me so I could just stop... But it's still just me and I'm still just ******* up so... Here I am, I guess.
I said I was leaving my last post here however long ago it was and it wasn't because of what anyone said or did but rather because I saw what this place is designed to do - a sense of comraidre that I just don't understand or belong too and it (in my head) magnified the whole reason of why I showed up here in the first place and why I'm at where I am - because I'm all I've got which is a whole lot of...Nothing.
I'm sorry this seems like it's going nowhere. I had a straight objective but I can't really get 'there' without going 'here' and I'm struggling to get some sort of sembelance of a timeline and keep it together and it's hard because I'm so close to falling apart.
This last year I found myself in a scene that seemed familiar but was so critically different - the people, their indescribable levels of evilness and ruthlessness. I will be the first to admit that I am not a good person. I'm not a nice person. I don't know, really, how to be treated and how to treat people in such a way that makes you someone able to love. I don't know what love is. All of me is based on what I know and what I know is cruelty, despair, lonliness, and hate - and a hate so acute that it hurts - a sort of pain that is so intense that nothing but ending your life truly makes sense except to keep enduring life because it's probably what you deserve.
But I don't think I would have ever considered myself an evil person. I guess they saw my naievity and latched on and I let them pull me into their awful game because I stupidely thought that maybe, for some reason, I was actually more then just me - but I never meant a **** thing more to them then just a willingly used pawn in their game where I lost what tiny shred of decency I may have had over them - where someone lost their life and I was almost looking at 8 years in prison because I inadvertantly played a role in something I have only ever planned for myself because... Because I was stupid and I thought I mattered. Because I wanted to believe I mattered, I guess.
What it all truly boils down too, what everyone had in common from me to people I thought I knew to the killers to the victim - is a speed pipe.
I've always been a substance user - typical of someone like me. Probably the only thing I have done right is follow that textbook line of substance abuse user - alcohol, weed, cocaine, crack, speed.
So I know what drugs do - and that's why I haven't really been able to live without them - because they mask, they hide, they change who you are - which is perfect when you spend every waking moment wishing you were dead. I had to not be me just to BE. But I have never seen a drug strip everything that makes a human a human away until they are not just nothing, but evil. Just pure evil.
I denied and made excuses and lied and in the end it took someone dying and me almost taking the fall before I could stop and step back get away. Mostly away.
I lost that crowd, except for a select few - because with everything there is always the exception to the rule and I have met a few who are users but not "in the scene", so to speak. messed up as it is, two of them are very close to the two who ended up convicted and as I kick leaves over I get a tidbit and wonder if they should be where they are and how many more leaves I can kick before I end up like...Him.
Right. Because I'm an all or nothing guy, you know. Go big or go home - I have failed big everytime but this...This has topped it.
The only person I ever had I pushed away during all this because I didn't want him within sight of these blood hungry leeches. I talk to him, sparingly. He knows me, knows what I have been through, went through, and where I am heading but I'm cutting him off down the path because I think I have to fail him, too.
And then I had to meet her. This poor, beautiful, pure girl who is blinded enough by (what?) To think I'm worth an ounce of her time let alone her heart.
So I pulled an ******* card and I hung around awhile because I'm weak and she feels good, you know? I miss that when she's gone so I kept going back but I shouldn't have because I just kept giving her rope to hang herself with. I let her feelings attach to something already dead and she'll be another notch if my belt of failures because I don't know how to love her like she deserves to be.
I have never wanted so badly to end myself and every pathetic shred of me that was ever created on this Earth so bad. I want it so bad that it does hurt - in ways I never thought it could. Suicide is nothing to me (trust me to fresia that up too) but now I think I'm truly at that point - I dug the grave and jumped in and have the loaded and chambered gun against my head with 2lbs on a 3lbs trigger pull and it's really, truly all I want - For me.
And I think of those two and a ******* promise I made years ago and I see a glimmer but I'm losing it no matter how hard to try to find it. And the other 99.5% of me is saying Go, add that last pound because, no matter that my advice has always been honeysuckle this... THIS is right. Right?
So what if I'm wrong. I probably am, true to nature. I just know that I'm losing the fight and I really, really don't know what to do. I can't accept anymore advice from me when all I see is the end.
And you know what the messed up part of this all is? I don't even know what the point of this was. I don't know what I need (aside from a hoot and a drink and fresia if it's only 7am)
I just... I don't know. That's all I got.
I guess this is my last ditch attempt at maybe... What? I don't even know. I don't know what I want to do. I do, but I don't. Which isn't making any sense, I know. For anyone who may have a good memory, I'm sure my impression was one of a lost, confused, messed up individual and that hasn't changed (obviously) for the better but slipped rather severly in the wrong direction.
I have stumbled through life this far completely blind and on my own and I haven't figured out a **** thing yet. Every major and minor turn I've had to make, I had to choose based on solely the advice of me - what I knew, didn't know, my judgements on good or bad or safe or unsafe or right or wrong - and there isn't a worse person in the world to look too for advice and guidance then myself because I can't get a thing right. I guess it's hard to make a right decision when all you have to base your most edcauted guess on is a background of failures. I have wished more in the last year then in all of my 22 (23? I can't remember how old I am) years that I had sort of parent like figure to sit me down and impart some of their life knowledge to me so I could just stop... But it's still just me and I'm still just ******* up so... Here I am, I guess.
I said I was leaving my last post here however long ago it was and it wasn't because of what anyone said or did but rather because I saw what this place is designed to do - a sense of comraidre that I just don't understand or belong too and it (in my head) magnified the whole reason of why I showed up here in the first place and why I'm at where I am - because I'm all I've got which is a whole lot of...Nothing.
I'm sorry this seems like it's going nowhere. I had a straight objective but I can't really get 'there' without going 'here' and I'm struggling to get some sort of sembelance of a timeline and keep it together and it's hard because I'm so close to falling apart.
This last year I found myself in a scene that seemed familiar but was so critically different - the people, their indescribable levels of evilness and ruthlessness. I will be the first to admit that I am not a good person. I'm not a nice person. I don't know, really, how to be treated and how to treat people in such a way that makes you someone able to love. I don't know what love is. All of me is based on what I know and what I know is cruelty, despair, lonliness, and hate - and a hate so acute that it hurts - a sort of pain that is so intense that nothing but ending your life truly makes sense except to keep enduring life because it's probably what you deserve.
But I don't think I would have ever considered myself an evil person. I guess they saw my naievity and latched on and I let them pull me into their awful game because I stupidely thought that maybe, for some reason, I was actually more then just me - but I never meant a **** thing more to them then just a willingly used pawn in their game where I lost what tiny shred of decency I may have had over them - where someone lost their life and I was almost looking at 8 years in prison because I inadvertantly played a role in something I have only ever planned for myself because... Because I was stupid and I thought I mattered. Because I wanted to believe I mattered, I guess.
What it all truly boils down too, what everyone had in common from me to people I thought I knew to the killers to the victim - is a speed pipe.
I've always been a substance user - typical of someone like me. Probably the only thing I have done right is follow that textbook line of substance abuse user - alcohol, weed, cocaine, crack, speed.
So I know what drugs do - and that's why I haven't really been able to live without them - because they mask, they hide, they change who you are - which is perfect when you spend every waking moment wishing you were dead. I had to not be me just to BE. But I have never seen a drug strip everything that makes a human a human away until they are not just nothing, but evil. Just pure evil.
I denied and made excuses and lied and in the end it took someone dying and me almost taking the fall before I could stop and step back get away. Mostly away.
I lost that crowd, except for a select few - because with everything there is always the exception to the rule and I have met a few who are users but not "in the scene", so to speak. messed up as it is, two of them are very close to the two who ended up convicted and as I kick leaves over I get a tidbit and wonder if they should be where they are and how many more leaves I can kick before I end up like...Him.
Right. Because I'm an all or nothing guy, you know. Go big or go home - I have failed big everytime but this...This has topped it.
The only person I ever had I pushed away during all this because I didn't want him within sight of these blood hungry leeches. I talk to him, sparingly. He knows me, knows what I have been through, went through, and where I am heading but I'm cutting him off down the path because I think I have to fail him, too.
And then I had to meet her. This poor, beautiful, pure girl who is blinded enough by (what?) To think I'm worth an ounce of her time let alone her heart.
So I pulled an ******* card and I hung around awhile because I'm weak and she feels good, you know? I miss that when she's gone so I kept going back but I shouldn't have because I just kept giving her rope to hang herself with. I let her feelings attach to something already dead and she'll be another notch if my belt of failures because I don't know how to love her like she deserves to be.
I have never wanted so badly to end myself and every pathetic shred of me that was ever created on this Earth so bad. I want it so bad that it does hurt - in ways I never thought it could. Suicide is nothing to me (trust me to fresia that up too) but now I think I'm truly at that point - I dug the grave and jumped in and have the loaded and chambered gun against my head with 2lbs on a 3lbs trigger pull and it's really, truly all I want - For me.
And I think of those two and a ******* promise I made years ago and I see a glimmer but I'm losing it no matter how hard to try to find it. And the other 99.5% of me is saying Go, add that last pound because, no matter that my advice has always been honeysuckle this... THIS is right. Right?
So what if I'm wrong. I probably am, true to nature. I just know that I'm losing the fight and I really, really don't know what to do. I can't accept anymore advice from me when all I see is the end.
And you know what the messed up part of this all is? I don't even know what the point of this was. I don't know what I need (aside from a hoot and a drink and fresia if it's only 7am)
I just... I don't know. That's all I got.