Sarus
Member
- Joined
- Nov 7, 2014
- Messages
- 8
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Sorry, I really need to vent. Normally, I try to be eloquent and civilised, but a painful event just occurred recently, as in yesterday evening. So please, forgive me for the ensuing vulgarities and obscenities. My mind is in SCRAMBLES at the moment and it's nearly 2:00 am, at this time of writing.
I decided out of my free will to join a "mental health prevention centre", (a unit you go into to prevent you from going into the real mental health hospital.) It's basically the same as a mental health ward, except you get a lot more freedom. (Able to come and go any time you please.) You get your own bed, go to group in the morning etc.
Initially, everything seemed to be going smoothly for one and a half weeks.... I didn't really have any trouble with anyone, just got that "loneliness" feeling and the old "I don't belong in this group" vibe, well that vibe couldn't have been more correct! But we'll get to that soon!
As I've mentioned in my introduction, I'm an EXTREMELY socially awkward person. These group of people around my age were a bit on the "crude" side, so I tried to adjust to their humour and conversation, to "fit in" and try to make some new friends, with an open mind. I thought that maybe a bit of "banter" would be able to get me and the others to warm up with each other and it worked, for the most part. Our conversations were indeed quite crude, but friendly in nature... I will admit I was a bit of a jerk sometimes, but it was not intentional, I'm just not very good when within social situations.
So basically, "I stepped out of line" because I'm human and humans are flawed... me and a "friend" I made were just exchanging comedic jokes to each other, all in good nature. Then I said something along the lines of "I'm going to push you into your boyfriend, "A"" (to his would-be girlfriend). Yes, I know it was a stupid joke and an insensitive one, but surely there are MUCH worse things you can say to someone? I'd never really gotten to know her and maybe that contributed to the misunderstanding. She overheard and got violent and aggressive retorting with "I'm sick of your sh---" blablabla and gave me short pushes. I didn't retaliate because she was a "lady", she then had a rant about me at the kitchen table, a bit of bad blood was exchanged, but then I decided to apologise to her and told her there was no malicious intent in the previous comment, it was a genuine apology...... she dismissed it and went to talk to one of the staff there. ( she directed a LOT more personal things to me at the table AND she got physically violent and yes, I realise she's a female, but surely she shouldn't be given a free pass based on gender?) Of course, it looked like I was a villain to everyone and I felt like everyone was uniting against me.... but for what would occur after that, REALLY GAVE ME THE SHITS! SHE ******* LIED TO THE STAFF (AND POSSIBLY OTHER CONSUMERS) FOR SYMPATHY! She said I called her a "hooker", which I never did! I admitted to what I did call her to the staff and said I apologised to her, OF COURSE she'd neglect to mention my apology!
WHAT A ******* MANIPULATOR! Seriously, why complicate matters? I don't understand! I said a rude, insensitive comment and she took it the wrong way, I then apologised and told her it wasn't personal. Yet, she decides to cause an uproar and create drama about it? WHAT THE ACTUAL fresia!
With that said, I'm not saying how I reacted was any better either, I was overwhelmed by the pressure the other consumers and that sociopath was putting on me. I became extremely paranoid and got angry and violent. I heard two of the other guys who were there in the other room and started kicking and punching the door to relieve some stress. I then quickly backed away and for some reason, pretended I didn't do it. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE fresia I WAS TRYING TO ACCOMPLISH! I was just in a very confused state! Of course, they quickly deduced
it was me. I overheard her saying "what is he angry about?" as she came out of the talking room. Well isn't it ******* obvious, Holmes? You overreacted to a single, rash, stupid comment and then played victim and dramatised the situation so that I was made to be some dark, cold-blooded villain.
And.....it worked! Yes, I felt and still feel like absolute honeysuckle and a violent ******* at that! I made a lot of people uncomfortable and I felt a lot of shame and humiliation. I was fearful of the censure I'd receive once I went to the communal area. So the staff walked me up to my unit for me to cool down. I heard "the group" laughing and joking outside as usual, obviously none of them will be losing any sleep over it tonight. The staff had a talk to me on my emotional and mental status. Once I had calmed down, I made the decision that I wanted to leave the place for good and return home. I was just sick of it all. To be honest, that was my original plan, because I didn't want to overstay my welcome, because honeysuckle like this happens.....I'm either the monster, the victim, the bad guy, but always the depressed clown at the end of the day, in every social situation.
Well, me and the staff came to a mutual agreement eventually. I packed my stuff and jumped in my car and RUSHED HOME, like I was in some horror movie running away from something. My old violent self? Them? The place? I don't even know. All I know was I was afraid, and needed to be free. I'm now back home.
AND ONCE AGAIN! ANOTHER DARK CHAPTER GOES IN THE BOOK IN THIS MORBID LIFE! HOO-*******-RAY! EVERYONE there is on the way to recovery and contacting each other when they get out... some even found love. Only I take with me shattered hopes and misery from there. Back to my lonesome, YET AGAIN! I AM SO SICK OF THIS LONELINESS AND HOW LIFE LOVES TO PLAY AND MESS WITH MY HEAD! An illusion that I can get good friends and belong somewhere? Put on repeat a billion times. IT IS SO PAINFUL, fresia! I'M ******* CRYING! Why did I have to leave so violently and with such painful memories? Why can't I take JUST TAKE ONE positive experience when I go seek professional help like that? I'm a ******* reject among "broken" people for fresia sakes...... Are some people just tailor-made and trapped in an isolated cell for the rest of their life? Maybe all I got is myself to blame.........
I'M SO SORRY for anyone who had to read all this and carry this negative baggage. I just feel so lost at the moment and a dehumanised "bad guy", for how I responded. I'm reflecting back on it a lot and I've got a hunch, NONE of them will miss me and probably act as if I've never even existed in there! I guess I'm just destined to be by myself forever......
One positive experience is, I appreciate my parents and my own house a lot more now. They came through for me this time, with their care for once. It's ironic because it was home and the arguments in there, that I was trying to get away from in the first place! So there, just thought I'd end it with a little light in the darkness.
I decided out of my free will to join a "mental health prevention centre", (a unit you go into to prevent you from going into the real mental health hospital.) It's basically the same as a mental health ward, except you get a lot more freedom. (Able to come and go any time you please.) You get your own bed, go to group in the morning etc.
Initially, everything seemed to be going smoothly for one and a half weeks.... I didn't really have any trouble with anyone, just got that "loneliness" feeling and the old "I don't belong in this group" vibe, well that vibe couldn't have been more correct! But we'll get to that soon!
As I've mentioned in my introduction, I'm an EXTREMELY socially awkward person. These group of people around my age were a bit on the "crude" side, so I tried to adjust to their humour and conversation, to "fit in" and try to make some new friends, with an open mind. I thought that maybe a bit of "banter" would be able to get me and the others to warm up with each other and it worked, for the most part. Our conversations were indeed quite crude, but friendly in nature... I will admit I was a bit of a jerk sometimes, but it was not intentional, I'm just not very good when within social situations.
So basically, "I stepped out of line" because I'm human and humans are flawed... me and a "friend" I made were just exchanging comedic jokes to each other, all in good nature. Then I said something along the lines of "I'm going to push you into your boyfriend, "A"" (to his would-be girlfriend). Yes, I know it was a stupid joke and an insensitive one, but surely there are MUCH worse things you can say to someone? I'd never really gotten to know her and maybe that contributed to the misunderstanding. She overheard and got violent and aggressive retorting with "I'm sick of your sh---" blablabla and gave me short pushes. I didn't retaliate because she was a "lady", she then had a rant about me at the kitchen table, a bit of bad blood was exchanged, but then I decided to apologise to her and told her there was no malicious intent in the previous comment, it was a genuine apology...... she dismissed it and went to talk to one of the staff there. ( she directed a LOT more personal things to me at the table AND she got physically violent and yes, I realise she's a female, but surely she shouldn't be given a free pass based on gender?) Of course, it looked like I was a villain to everyone and I felt like everyone was uniting against me.... but for what would occur after that, REALLY GAVE ME THE SHITS! SHE ******* LIED TO THE STAFF (AND POSSIBLY OTHER CONSUMERS) FOR SYMPATHY! She said I called her a "hooker", which I never did! I admitted to what I did call her to the staff and said I apologised to her, OF COURSE she'd neglect to mention my apology!
WHAT A ******* MANIPULATOR! Seriously, why complicate matters? I don't understand! I said a rude, insensitive comment and she took it the wrong way, I then apologised and told her it wasn't personal. Yet, she decides to cause an uproar and create drama about it? WHAT THE ACTUAL fresia!
With that said, I'm not saying how I reacted was any better either, I was overwhelmed by the pressure the other consumers and that sociopath was putting on me. I became extremely paranoid and got angry and violent. I heard two of the other guys who were there in the other room and started kicking and punching the door to relieve some stress. I then quickly backed away and for some reason, pretended I didn't do it. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE fresia I WAS TRYING TO ACCOMPLISH! I was just in a very confused state! Of course, they quickly deduced
it was me. I overheard her saying "what is he angry about?" as she came out of the talking room. Well isn't it ******* obvious, Holmes? You overreacted to a single, rash, stupid comment and then played victim and dramatised the situation so that I was made to be some dark, cold-blooded villain.
And.....it worked! Yes, I felt and still feel like absolute honeysuckle and a violent ******* at that! I made a lot of people uncomfortable and I felt a lot of shame and humiliation. I was fearful of the censure I'd receive once I went to the communal area. So the staff walked me up to my unit for me to cool down. I heard "the group" laughing and joking outside as usual, obviously none of them will be losing any sleep over it tonight. The staff had a talk to me on my emotional and mental status. Once I had calmed down, I made the decision that I wanted to leave the place for good and return home. I was just sick of it all. To be honest, that was my original plan, because I didn't want to overstay my welcome, because honeysuckle like this happens.....I'm either the monster, the victim, the bad guy, but always the depressed clown at the end of the day, in every social situation.
Well, me and the staff came to a mutual agreement eventually. I packed my stuff and jumped in my car and RUSHED HOME, like I was in some horror movie running away from something. My old violent self? Them? The place? I don't even know. All I know was I was afraid, and needed to be free. I'm now back home.
AND ONCE AGAIN! ANOTHER DARK CHAPTER GOES IN THE BOOK IN THIS MORBID LIFE! HOO-*******-RAY! EVERYONE there is on the way to recovery and contacting each other when they get out... some even found love. Only I take with me shattered hopes and misery from there. Back to my lonesome, YET AGAIN! I AM SO SICK OF THIS LONELINESS AND HOW LIFE LOVES TO PLAY AND MESS WITH MY HEAD! An illusion that I can get good friends and belong somewhere? Put on repeat a billion times. IT IS SO PAINFUL, fresia! I'M ******* CRYING! Why did I have to leave so violently and with such painful memories? Why can't I take JUST TAKE ONE positive experience when I go seek professional help like that? I'm a ******* reject among "broken" people for fresia sakes...... Are some people just tailor-made and trapped in an isolated cell for the rest of their life? Maybe all I got is myself to blame.........
I'M SO SORRY for anyone who had to read all this and carry this negative baggage. I just feel so lost at the moment and a dehumanised "bad guy", for how I responded. I'm reflecting back on it a lot and I've got a hunch, NONE of them will miss me and probably act as if I've never even existed in there! I guess I'm just destined to be by myself forever......
One positive experience is, I appreciate my parents and my own house a lot more now. They came through for me this time, with their care for once. It's ironic because it was home and the arguments in there, that I was trying to get away from in the first place! So there, just thought I'd end it with a little light in the darkness.
