I'm slowly losing my mind due to isolation

[Ravager1663]

So I woke up tonight, sweating, and my heart was beating fast. I opened the door to my room to let some air in and went back to sleep. But I couldn't. Or I didn't feel like it. Even though I had only slept for a few hours.

I was having a lot of dreams when I slept, most of them didn't make much sense (they rarely do), but there's often a sense of sadness in them, there are people in my dreams, and sometimes it makes me long for a better life than the one I'm living now. Most of the time, that only makes me depressed.

This time was different, though. I don't know why, but suddenly my mind felt clear and I thought, "I know what I must do, and I think that I can actually do it!". I'm so sick and tired of this life I have been living. I've tried to change things in the past, but I don't think I've really put myself into the task, probably because I've just been too afraid.

However, the time of being too afraid is over. I'm too fed up with my situation that I can't bother with being afraid any longer. I'm going to use next year to prepare, and hopefully get over some of my social anxiety, which is really bad. And the year after that, I'm going to go back to finish up my studies, so that I can eventually get somewhere with my life.

It's going to be a long, difficult road. I guess most people don't understand just how cold and uninviting the world seems when you've basically been cut off from it for several years. But if I don't break out of this prison soon, it going to break me down.

If you got this far, thanks for reading. I'm not sure why I'm even writing this, but here it is.

/Ravager1663

 

[viviana]

that's cool to read...
you have to follow through, and i root for you.....if you had the courage to write the decision after thinking it, you should have the courage to carry it out.

hmmm..also it's very good to write about things like that. writing helps. and i think by doing it, it will help you get motivated, so when you start with this plan, you should also write the different steps that you are taking follow by any progress that you make along the way toward achieving that change, that initiative you take. just an opinion:0

 

[Ravager1663]

That is some good advice viviana. I appreciate it. Actually, I was thinking about deleteing this thread and just forgetting about what I had come up with, because it was already making me worry a lot.

But I know that wouldn't have been the right thing to do, it would have been just another defeat. Thank you for inspiring me to not abandon my goals, since now I will think back on what I wrote here and not forget about what I should be focusing on.

 

[Minus]

That would be great. I hope it goes well for you.

 

[Twitchy]

You're stronger than you give yourself credit for. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised at the things you're capable of doing.

Trust the mysterious floating pipe. It knows what it's talking about.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

yeah...when we get to the piont of enough is enough or some sort of bottom....there's a spark that'll
get us to do something about our life or some sort of change..

The trick is to keep the fire burning and hope alive becuase changes dosn't happen overnite.
Sometimes we'll even laps back into our old ways but if can we remember this during those times
we'll get back on course.

Journaling helps a lot. this way we can always reflect back and actually see progress
that we made...sometimes it's like snail pace and it seem like we're not making any progress...but we are.

Baby steps helps a lot. Kind of like taking a piece meal or a bite at a time.
It took me over 2 weeks just to be able to get out of my house everyday and just take a simple walk
in the park. That was my short terms goal...deciplining myself to be out in public and around people
again becuase I isolated myself for so long. Even though I kept people at a distance and did'nt have conversations
with people at first...I've achive my goal of not staying at home all the time.
hahahaa....I remember oneday making myself sit at the park for 2 hours. It felt kind of retarded becuase
I was sitting there alone..but then I saw the most beautiful sunset and the sounds of children laughing
I built on that...
Then one day I was just taking a stroll then ran into a friend taking a walk...we chit chated.
Then oneday I was taking my 10 miles bike ride..lol. I had to build on that too...I could only ride a mile at first.
Anywho...I ran into another friend ex-band member I havn't seen in a long time...he happened to be playing his guitar,
so we just hung out and jammed out.

Graudually i was able to have conversations with people again.
Grauldually I was able to learn how to trust people again and let people get closer to me or open myself.
It wasn't always easy to work through the many challenges in my life.
As time went on...my mind got clearer and cleaer.

I still havn't acheived all of my goals that I set for myself since last year..but I came a long ways.
As i said...there many, many moments when I felt I wasn't going anywhere.
Plus there's been changes and many opportunity that present itself to me within the last year.

I've been able to find all of my children. They mean the world to me.
I have a good relationship with one of my duaghters
today. Plus I've been able to speak to my ex-wf becuase I wasn't isolating anymore.
Comes to find out she's been serching for me for the past couple of years.
She and I are good friends and are on good terms today...I never expect this nor even planned it.

A while back I was just giving a friend a ride..then I happened to notice a very close friend that I
havn't seen in a couple of years...I decided to flag him down. He was very happy to see me
and was wondering if I was still alive. The first thing he did was gave me a hug....
Then later that night another friend came over to visit and he bascailly gave me a big hug
I was unemployed at that time and felt a bit fustrated about life.
Well...today I have a full time job and working with my friend...

It hasn't been totally perfect and I didn't get everything that I wanted or completed all of my goals
but I came along ways. If I go back and read some of my earlier post or original thread that I posted
on this forum...To read the mental and emotional state I was in. It's clear as day how my life had changed
and my mental and emotional state had changed in 1 year.

God bless..be well
marry x-mas.

 

[Ravager1663]

Trust the mysterious floating pipe. It knows what it's talking about.

But of course! It hasn't let me down so far.

Lonesome Crow: Thanks for sharing. It's always inspiring to hear about all the things you've managed to get through!

 

[viviana]

go Ravager1663, and of course follow lonesomecrow advice. small baby steps in this big project

 

[BornMisfit]

Good luck!

 

[Ravager1663]

Good luck!

Thanks! I've started preparing myself mentally, and I feel like it's already paying off. The more I open myself up to the possibility of change, the less hopeless it all seems.

Then again, I get the feeling that I've been in this "I can do it!" situation before, and I never did managed to make much progress. I do feel like I'm looking at things more realistically this time around though, which I think is key in a situation like this.

 

[Elieser]

But you can do it. Once one has a plan, like you have, that's a step in the right direction. Talking about it, even if it is on the Internet, solidifies it further. Your plan is not unrealistic. Rather, it sounds solid and achievable, and there's one more thing: with each year one gets older (and possibly crazier), but one also gets wiser and sees the world more and more for what it is. I (here we go, talking about myself, typical) was more or less hysterically anti-social and sociophobic when I was younger, but as I got older I A) learned to cope with it and B) got amused by my own scaredy-cat-ness (new word for you - you're welcome). How did I acheive this? Simply by getting older. What I'm trying to say is that if you have failed before, it may just have been due to youth or inexperience or whatever; some things actually get easier with time.

Not sure how much sense I made, but it felt like I needed to say it.

 

[Ravager1663]

Not sure how much sense I made, but it felt like I needed to say it.

Oh, you made a lot of sense, actually. Thank you for your words, I find strength in them!

 

[androidhippy]

So I woke up tonight, sweating, and my heart was beating fast. I opened the door to my room to let some air in and went back to sleep. But I couldn't. Or I didn't feel like it. Even though I had only slept for a few hours.

I was having a lot of dreams when I slept, most of them didn't make much sense (they rarely do), but there's often a sense of sadness in them, there are people in my dreams, and sometimes it makes me long for a better life than the one I'm living now. Most of the time, that only makes me depressed.

This time was different, though. I don't know why, but suddenly my mind felt clear and I thought, "I know what I must do, and I think that I can actually do it!". I'm so sick and tired of this life I have been living. I've tried to change things in the past, but I don't think I've really put myself into the task, probably because I've just been too afraid.

However, the time of being too afraid is over. I'm too fed up with my situation that I can't bother with being afraid any longer. I'm going to use next year to prepare, and hopefully get over some of my social anxiety, which is really bad. And the year after that, I'm going to go back to finish up my studies, so that I can eventually get somewhere with my life.

It's going to be a long, difficult road. I guess most people don't understand just how cold and uninviting the world seems when you've basically been cut off from it for several years. But if I don't break out of this prison soon, it going to break me down.

If you got this far, thanks for reading. I'm not sure why I'm even writing this, but here it is.

/Ravager1663

Well you've got a community of people rooting for you man, best of luck and keep us posted!