I'm just so ******* tired of being lonely, tired of being afraid, tired of being lazy, I just want to get up and never lay down again. I'm tired of sleeping all day and feeling like I have zero energy left, I'm tired of thinking I'm gonna choke to death on my own vomit while out in public when it's really just acid reflux and I know I can control it. I'm tired of fearing I'm gonna end up stuck at home and agoraphobic all over again.
I mean, it's just so ******* weird, because I want to get out and I want to do anything, but I don't know what to do. I have some college debt from when I dropped out and I can't pay it right now, I'm not broke but I can't go around like I'm Bruce Wayne or something. I wanna get a job, and it's not me being a fancy idiot for not wanting to do real hard work (this is the usual McDonalds - construction stuff), it's me being realistic -- I'm lazy and I have zero experience and would much rather sit on a desk taking phone calls or typing stuff, or being a store clerk, I don't know. But because I'm unexperienced I'm negative about any of that honeysuckle so I just back myself out. Oh well, at least I'm not suicidal. I really want to live a little.
Should I go to therapy again? Sure, why not? If I could afford it I'd be there already. The only thing I have is music. And even with that, I'm being a lazy bum. There aren't many cultural/fun things to do in my town (I live in a South American country, one of the boring ones) and as a result, I only have a few friends here and most of my real friends live in different countries. I was planning to attend a screening of Psycho today at the only remaining art cinema in town and I'm not there, because even though I can watch a thousand movies on my own, I do not want to be there by myself.
I'm basically tired of being reminded how bright and creative I am because I keep disappointing everyone by being the complete opposite of that. I'm tired of being lonely even on the freaking internet, man. I used to be so much better. All I need is another push, because the yearning is there. Some days I just feel like screaming and running away. I'm tired of being tired. I need a change of scenery. I need to find my way.
I mean, it's just so ******* weird, because I want to get out and I want to do anything, but I don't know what to do. I have some college debt from when I dropped out and I can't pay it right now, I'm not broke but I can't go around like I'm Bruce Wayne or something. I wanna get a job, and it's not me being a fancy idiot for not wanting to do real hard work (this is the usual McDonalds - construction stuff), it's me being realistic -- I'm lazy and I have zero experience and would much rather sit on a desk taking phone calls or typing stuff, or being a store clerk, I don't know. But because I'm unexperienced I'm negative about any of that honeysuckle so I just back myself out. Oh well, at least I'm not suicidal. I really want to live a little.
Should I go to therapy again? Sure, why not? If I could afford it I'd be there already. The only thing I have is music. And even with that, I'm being a lazy bum. There aren't many cultural/fun things to do in my town (I live in a South American country, one of the boring ones) and as a result, I only have a few friends here and most of my real friends live in different countries. I was planning to attend a screening of Psycho today at the only remaining art cinema in town and I'm not there, because even though I can watch a thousand movies on my own, I do not want to be there by myself.
I'm basically tired of being reminded how bright and creative I am because I keep disappointing everyone by being the complete opposite of that. I'm tired of being lonely even on the freaking internet, man. I used to be so much better. All I need is another push, because the yearning is there. Some days I just feel like screaming and running away. I'm tired of being tired. I need a change of scenery. I need to find my way.