In love with the same girl for years.

[TheSkaFish]

In short: you have been strawmanning all everyone has been saying to you all along because you somehow want to think it's possible to attract this girl who already made up her mind about you. Your logic is completely faulty about this. I understand what you are feeling, and I am sympathetic to those feelings, but I can't get over your consequential disrespect towards this girl and women in general with the way you see things. And men too, really.

It is possible. I'm certain that someone, somewhere has been able to get the girl they want to see them as a different, attractive person. But you're not the one I need to convince.

 

[Ymir]

In short: you have been strawmanning all everyone has been saying to you all along because you somehow want to think it's possible to attract this girl who already made up her mind about you. Your logic is completely faulty about this. I understand what you are feeling, and I am sympathetic to those feelings, but I can't get over your consequential disrespect towards this girl and women in general with the way you see things. And men too, really.

It is possible. I'm certain that someone, somewhere has been able to get the girl they want to see them as a different, attractive person. But you're not the one I need to convince.

I didn't say it was impossible for everyone. Talk about strawman. Though I will reword and say "You want to think you can force it by finding the right approach while the best and most respectful approach would be to just let it be and give up on being her friend just for the sake of dating her later because talk about disregarding her feelings which you should not do if love her as much as you say you do."

If it comes, it comes. It's not just about you, or your feelings, or your frustrations.

But once more, I've said my piece and you will keep misinterpreting it for your own benefit (or not, the longer you hold on to your logic, the longer you'll remain single since you are attracted to intelligent women and those will not be impressed by your behavior or attitude) so keep going at it. I hope one day you'll look back and see how quite offensive you are being. You'll never "convince" any woman you can possibly want to date of this, trust me.

I am going to sleep.

 

[Pike Creek]

I think that building your confidence is a good thing if you feel that your self-esteem is lacking and you feel insecure. I did such a thing before I started dating because I didn't want to date someone like the person I had become. By that, I mean, I went through a depression and I lost motivation to take care of myself. I was overweight, I hadn't taken care of looks, I stopped dressing nicely and doing my hair, I had zero interest in anything and I was anxious and distrustful that dating would lead to anything. Did I want to date a carbon copy of that??? Yikes, no.

So I asked myself, do I really want a man in my life, yes, I did. I took about a year, lost the weight, started eating better, taking care of myself, grooming my looks to attract someone and dressed better. I took an interest in some hobbies that I still enjoy and started venturing towards a job I really liked. Yes, I suppose in a way that could be considered doing something shallow to attract a man in some people's eyes, but in my eyes, I was bettering myself first to put myself out there for a successful run at dating. And let's face it, the first thing that attracts a person is looks...that does sound shallow but it's realistic. So my goal of making myself the prettiest woman I could be was a productive goal because not only did I look great, I felt better, my confidence boomed and I suddenly was attracting all sorts of men from ages 21 to 65...I really had my choice. But I also wasn't looking for a specific type of man, I just wanted one who had good honest qualities and who had relationship potential, and of course one to whom I was physically attracted with lots of sexual chemistry, because that too is important to me. All the changes I made were positive for me, and I've become the person I molded myself into, because she was there all along hiding under misery, loneliness and insecurity.

I think it's okay to mold yourself into a better person as long as you have the right intentions.

 

[barky]

My heart goes out to you Googles. I find I fall hard for women and struggle to keep my feelings rational. Tricks that seem to work are getting busy with a hobby, or focusing your attention towards other female friends. The obsession builds when there is nothing else to grab your time & efforts. I'd heed the other comments in this thread as well; great insight all around.

Cage match for TheSkaFish and Ymir .

 

[TheSkaFish]

Cage match for TheSkaFish and Ymir .

Nah. I'm slowly realizing that the time I spend complaining about that situation on online forums and debating with people about it is kind of like how i was when I used to complain about politics - I got the issue of my chest and felt like I did something about it but really didn't. Even if I "win" an argument here, it doesn't change the actual problem I have. It would be better for me to spend that same time looking over things and figuring out my problem areas on my own and spend that same time elsewhere getting advice from people who want to help me figure it out and get the girl, than arguing with people who are cheering for me to fail. Here it seems I'm asking for help in the wrong place.

 

[Case]

Here it seems I'm asking for help in the wrong place.

You've received plenty of sound advice here. You simply choose to ignore it. That is your right, but you can't say that the people here (who have more experience with relationships than you) haven't done all they could to point you in a healthier direction.

It's so very frustrating to offer learned advice to a person in need, only to have it summarily dismissed, as if they know better.

 

[barky]

I agree with you that efforts to sway others' points of view aren't practical a lot of the time. However, I'd question whether people here are rooting for your demise. I know seeing another forum member conquer a challenge fills me with the happy's.

It may be that we just don't have the answers you're searching for. From what I recall of your predicament, your lady friend is the one that needs to the shake-up, not you. And that's something only she can initiate.

I wish you all the best Ska, and hope you find what you're looking for, be it here or elsewhere. Take care my friend.

 

[TheSkaFish]

You've received plenty of sound advice here. You simply choose to ignore it. That is your right, but you can't say that the people here (who have more experience with relationships than you) haven't done all they could to point you in a healthier direction.

It's so very frustrating to offer learned advice to a person in need, only to have it summarily dismissed, as if they know better.

The problem is that the advice that I've been getting about this same situation is to either remain single for the duration of my life, or lower my standards, settle for "just okay", put on a fake smile, and just glumly accept that I won't get to experience romantic and sexual fulfillment in this one life of mine. Following that advice won't take me where I want to go, so I dismiss it.

I agree with you that efforts to sway others' points of view aren't practical a lot of the time. However, I'd question whether people here are rooting for your demise. I know seeing another forum member conquer a challenge fills me with the happy's.

It may be that we just don't have the answers you're searching for. From what I recall of your predicament, your lady friend is the one that needs to the shake-up, not you. And that's something only she can initiate.

I wish you all the best Ska, and hope you find what you're looking for, be it here or elsewhere. Take care my friend.

See that's what I think it is. There are a few who definitely do want to see me fail. But for the most part, I'm asking questions to which people don't have the answers I'm looking for. They may be telling me what they know, which may be to the best of their knowledge, but like I said it won't take me where I want to go.

I just can't wait to end the search and be done with this. I don't enjoy it, I don't enjoy the uncertainty of it at all. I just wish I'd been ready when I met these girls in the first place, instead of being completely unprepared and as a result, unattractive. If only I'd grown up confident instead of timid and had stayed on track in life, I could have had the fascinating, exciting life that may have gotten their interest. I snoozed, and I lost. I should have known better and now it's too late unless something changes. I don't want to have to learn to be happy with less, like a loser, but right now there's no other option.

Thanks for the best wishes in any case, barky.

 

[WildernessWildChild]

You've got to step waaaaay outside the walls you've imposed upon yourself if you want a fascinating or exciting life- it's what you make of it (that's not taking debilitating illness, mental afflictions, or physical limitations into account, I'm aware those are issues beyond someone's control).

If you want to be ready for "The One" instead of waiting around for her why not try some experiences with "The Rest"- who knows, maybe you'll find someone amazing that would've otherwise escaped whatever lofty standards you've got (mine are simple- as long as they breath and haven't had a sex change it's all good....bad breath doesn't work for me though). I've been fortunate enough to have some very interesting ladies cross my path in my lifetime that I've had some kind of relationship with (the shortest was 3 months, the longest 14 years)- each was completely unique, fascinating, and I enjoyed the time I spent with them. I've come to realize that I haven't met "The One" as of yet (that may change tomorrow, who knows) but until that person comes along I'll happily engage myself in active pursuit.

By the way- I'm not rich, I'm not good looking (whatever that is), I'm not educated, and I work in a coal mine. I am well read, thinking is something I quite enjoy, I do pay attention to people, I've made (and learned from) loads of mistakes, and I know theres no guarantees in life so I might as well not waste my time on the sidelines.

So sayeth The Chump.

 

[Solivagant]

The problem is that the advice that I've been getting about this same situation is to either remain single for the duration of my life, or lower my standards, settle for "just okay", put on a fake smile, and just glumly accept that I won't get to experience romantic and sexual fulfillment in this one life of mine. Following that advice won't take me where I want to go, so I dismiss it.

Who told you to remain single for the duration of your life? Who told you to lower your standards? Who told you to settle for "just okay"? Who told you to put on a fake smile? Who told you to glumly accept than you won't get to experience romantic and sexual fulfillment in your life?

Honestly it doesn't bother me that you don't take the advice that's given to you. No one has to take advice just because it's offered. It is extremely frustrating, however, that you twist words around like this, and also tell others that this is what people have said to you when it's not. It really baffles me how you can hear something so different from what's actually said to you. I don't know if you're just not listening, or not comprehending. Maybe you don't understand how to take what's said literally, I donno.

*Sigh*.

I agree that you should stop seeking advice about your "situation" here. I think you're probably only perpetuating your own frustration.

Something interesting about our brains is that they don't distinguish between written word and spoken word. When you read or write something, your brain interprets it as an auditory experience, as if you heard it. So when you write about this over and over again, it's essentially like saying it to yourself out loud over and over again.

It's good to get stuff off your chest, but at the same time you are keeping it constantly fresh in your mind by rehashing it all the time, and this is not helpful to you.

 

[Locke]

You've received plenty of sound advice here. You simply choose to ignore it. That is your right, but you can't say that the people here (who have more experience with relationships than you) haven't done all they could to point you in a healthier direction.

It's so very frustrating to offer learned advice to a person in need, only to have it summarily dismissed, as if they know better.

This.

There are several people here who have been in or are in relationships, and many of them have given you advice.

The problem is that the advice that I've been getting about this same situation is to either remain single for the duration of my life, or lower my standards, settle for "just okay", put on a fake smile, and just glumly accept that I won't get to experience romantic and sexual fulfillment in this one life of mine. Following that advice won't take me where I want to go, so I dismiss it.

Who told you to remain single for the duration of your life? Who told you to lower your standards? Who told you to settle for "just okay"? Who told you to put on a fake smile? Who told you to glumly accept than you won't get to experience romantic and sexual fulfillment in your life?

Honestly it doesn't bother me that you don't take the advice that's given to you. No one has to take advice just because it's offered. It is extremely frustrating, however, that you twist words around like this, and also tell others that this is what people have said to you when it's not. It really baffles me how you can hear something so different from what's actually said to you. I don't know if you're just not listening, or not comprehending. Maybe you don't understand how to take what's said literally, I donno.

And this.

No one has ever said that to you here. I'm not sure why you talk about your problems when you twist and ignore the advice you're given. It never helps you. Even new people tell you the same things. You don't seem to understand a single word of it. It's like you're speaking a different language than everyone else. It's really weird. =/

You can't even claim that we're all wrong, since everyone's words to you apparently have a completely different meaning than how we intended. To me, the general rules of discussion and debate include understanding the other person's point of view, or at least making a strong effort to do so. If you can't do that, you can't have a productive or worthwhile discussion. That is one of the major reasons why these talks never go anywhere: You never seem to understand.

Something interesting about our brains is that they don't distinguish between written word and spoken word. When you read or write something, your brain interprets it as an auditory experience, as if you heard it. So when you write about this over and over again, it's essentially like saying it to yourself out loud over and over again.

It's good to get stuff off your chest, but at the same time you are keeping it constantly fresh in your mind by rehashing it all the time, and this is not helpful to you.

I agree with that too. The purpose of ranting is usually to get something off of your chest, so you can feel better about it. But if you rant about the same thing over and over again without actually doing anything about it or feeling better, it can turn into an obsession. It's damaging you mentally and emotionally. I wish you could see it.

Anyway, I am sorry about what you're going through. Have you thought about seeing a therapist? Maybe it would help.

 

[Case]

The problem is that the advice that I've been getting about this same situation is to either remain single for the duration of my life, or lower my standards, settle for "just okay", put on a fake smile, and just glumly accept that I won't get to experience romantic and sexual fulfillment in this one life of mine. Following that advice won't take me where I want to go, so I dismiss it.

The advice that you shun is realistic. It is the advice you don't want to hear and the advice you choose not to follow. You would rather chase the unattainable fantasy woman rather than have an open mind and see people for who they really are and see how relationships really are. From where I sit, your standards are so unrealistic that if I followed them myself, I'd still be a virgin and I'm almost twice your age. Since you choose to limit your options to the extreme, no realistic advice can possibly help you.

 

[EveWasFramed]

It really baffles me how you can hear something so different from what's actually said to you. I don't know if you're just not listening, or not comprehending.

Intellectual versus emotional processing would be my guess.
I think it happens to all of us at times - maybe some more so than others.

---

The problem is that the advice that I've been getting about this same situation is to either remain single for the duration of my life, or lower my standards, settle for "just okay", put on a fake smile, and just glumly accept that I won't get to experience romantic and sexual fulfillment in this one life of mine. Following that advice won't take me where I want to go, so I dismiss it.

The advice that you shun is realistic. It is the advice you don't want to hear and the advice you choose not to follow. You would rather chase the unattainable fantasy woman rather than have an open mind and see people for who they really are and see how relationships really are. From where I sit, your standards are so unrealistic that if I followed them myself, I'd still be a virgin and I'm almost twice your age. Since you choose to limit your options to the extreme, no realistic advice can possibly help you.

I agree with Case. And here's a snippet from something I've been writing recently....


Perfection does not exist. Perfection is not found in current fixed attributes. How can perfection exist when nothing stays the same? How can one always remain “perfect” in another’s eyes? People grow and change throughout their lives.

Your "perfect" (for you) woman might not stay perfect. Then what? Will you toss her away and start a new search for perfection?

Feel free to chase perfection all you like...maybe you will run into someone wonderful in the process.

 

[Solivagant]

It really baffles me how you can hear something so different from what's actually said to you. I don't know if you're just not listening, or not comprehending.

Intellectual versus emotional processing would be my guess.
I think it happens to all of us at times - maybe some more so than others.

That makes sense, except that most people do both at some point, one being more of their default reaction and another occurring more upon reflection. Ska still seems to be processing everything through one lens, and in extremes. Hopefully he will be able to adopt a more balanced view over time.

Your "perfect" (for you) woman might not stay perfect. Then what? Will you toss her away and start a new search for perfection?

+1

 

[TheRealCallie]

It really baffles me how you can hear something so different from what's actually said to you. I don't know if you're just not listening, or not comprehending.

Intellectual versus emotional processing would be my guess.
I think it happens to all of us at times - maybe some more so than others.

More like an all out hissy fit, complete with throwing oneself on the ground and kicking and screaming.
Someone doesn't like something a person says, so they will twist and prod until it's not their fault, but the fault of everyone else.

Personally, I'm concerned for the girl he's obsessed with or any other "perfect" girl that doesn't do what he thinks she should. He needs to change his attitude and change his feeling of entitlement or he will most likely be controlling and abusive. I've seen that much in how he talks about people and how he responds to things he doesn't like.