I've been with my fiance for two years, and ... I'm not sure why. We have so many issues.
I'm unemployed. I've been unemployed (and looking for work) for over five months now. Thus, we rely on his very small income. I commit the unemployment benefits I receive, which is a fourth of what I need, to my own bills (not our joint bills). It has been a great source of stress for me. I have taken care of myself for a long time, and to be thrust into this situation is hard. I now rely on someone else for food and for entertainment.
I think because he is the breadwinner, he feels entitled to some of the behaviors that annoy me. For instance, he works a normal 8-5 job. During lunchtime, he may come home. He doesn't spend it with me; he gets on the computer. Then, after work, he gets on the computer and spends all his time there until I go to bed. When he hears me leaving the living room to go to bed, he follows me to the bedroom to, I guess, "make an appearance" or to see if I'm angry. Yesterday, he took a break to watch a show with me. As soon as it was over, he was back in the computer room and I was, again, by myself.
He says we don't need to spend all of our time together. But... I'm wondering what time we actually do spend together. He's always on that damned computer. All day, it is me and Toby (our dog). That's it. I have no friends, so when I say "that's it," I truly mean it.
Secondly, he is probably the most unambitious person I have ever met. He's not had a car the entire time I've been with him. In fact, it sits dead in front of our "home." But it's frustrating when he buys a graphics card or a $700 camera because that money, in my opinion, would have been better spent on repairing the car. We use my car solely, and to me, it's embarrassing that I am with someone who has not even enough pride to, not GET a car, but to simply repair the one he has. But, I guess, why repair it when he can drive my car? You're 30 years old! Why do I have to tell you, an adult, to be an adult? "Don't buy that camera! Fix the car!" That's so silly. That's a conversation a mother has with her teenaged child.
I'm very into education and progress. I have a bachelor's degree and was in law school for a year (until I decided I didn't want to take on loads of debt in mere HOPES of landing a job in a market saturated with lawyers). I'm very much into politics, and I like for my mind to be stimulated. He, on the other hand, stopped at high school and has NO ambition for the future. Well, I should correct that; he has ambitions, but I consider them to be get-rich-quick ones, such as getting girls on webcam and taking a percentage of their earnings.
Third, he ALWAYS has something to say about my cooking or my cleaning. That may seem little, but... I have depression and have had it for years. It takes very much for me to do ANYTHING, but I try because ... I try not to let it overwhelm me. So I get up and do little things around the house, especially to contribute because I can't do so financially. "The pizza is a little hard" or "This has a weird taste" or "We (but what he really means is "you") need to start putting the tissue on the roller." I'm always being measured against his mom, whom I can't stand. Basically, he attacks my womanhood constantly. I try so hard, and nothing is ever good enough.
Finally, I cannot be sexually intimate with him. I have lost so much respect for him. How can I respect someone who has a dead car, works for his parent who do not respect him or offer him good pay or benefits and who sits on the computer all day? I recoil when he touches me. Why would he think he could come in bed and spoon me, after he just spent his entire evening on the computer and not with me?
The good? He got me a puppy last year, who is now the love of my life.
I don't want to leave. I want to feel the way I felt when I first met him. Yet, I have talked with him so much that I have decided I will not initiate a conversation about these things again. I'm done talking. But... I feel... like I don't want to leave. I have no one and nowhere else. Plus, I do love him; I'm just disappointed in him.
Any advice?
I appreciate all of it, and I'm sorry for the long, long post.
I'm unemployed. I've been unemployed (and looking for work) for over five months now. Thus, we rely on his very small income. I commit the unemployment benefits I receive, which is a fourth of what I need, to my own bills (not our joint bills). It has been a great source of stress for me. I have taken care of myself for a long time, and to be thrust into this situation is hard. I now rely on someone else for food and for entertainment.
I think because he is the breadwinner, he feels entitled to some of the behaviors that annoy me. For instance, he works a normal 8-5 job. During lunchtime, he may come home. He doesn't spend it with me; he gets on the computer. Then, after work, he gets on the computer and spends all his time there until I go to bed. When he hears me leaving the living room to go to bed, he follows me to the bedroom to, I guess, "make an appearance" or to see if I'm angry. Yesterday, he took a break to watch a show with me. As soon as it was over, he was back in the computer room and I was, again, by myself.
He says we don't need to spend all of our time together. But... I'm wondering what time we actually do spend together. He's always on that damned computer. All day, it is me and Toby (our dog). That's it. I have no friends, so when I say "that's it," I truly mean it.
Secondly, he is probably the most unambitious person I have ever met. He's not had a car the entire time I've been with him. In fact, it sits dead in front of our "home." But it's frustrating when he buys a graphics card or a $700 camera because that money, in my opinion, would have been better spent on repairing the car. We use my car solely, and to me, it's embarrassing that I am with someone who has not even enough pride to, not GET a car, but to simply repair the one he has. But, I guess, why repair it when he can drive my car? You're 30 years old! Why do I have to tell you, an adult, to be an adult? "Don't buy that camera! Fix the car!" That's so silly. That's a conversation a mother has with her teenaged child.
I'm very into education and progress. I have a bachelor's degree and was in law school for a year (until I decided I didn't want to take on loads of debt in mere HOPES of landing a job in a market saturated with lawyers). I'm very much into politics, and I like for my mind to be stimulated. He, on the other hand, stopped at high school and has NO ambition for the future. Well, I should correct that; he has ambitions, but I consider them to be get-rich-quick ones, such as getting girls on webcam and taking a percentage of their earnings.
Third, he ALWAYS has something to say about my cooking or my cleaning. That may seem little, but... I have depression and have had it for years. It takes very much for me to do ANYTHING, but I try because ... I try not to let it overwhelm me. So I get up and do little things around the house, especially to contribute because I can't do so financially. "The pizza is a little hard" or "This has a weird taste" or "We (but what he really means is "you") need to start putting the tissue on the roller." I'm always being measured against his mom, whom I can't stand. Basically, he attacks my womanhood constantly. I try so hard, and nothing is ever good enough.
Finally, I cannot be sexually intimate with him. I have lost so much respect for him. How can I respect someone who has a dead car, works for his parent who do not respect him or offer him good pay or benefits and who sits on the computer all day? I recoil when he touches me. Why would he think he could come in bed and spoon me, after he just spent his entire evening on the computer and not with me?
The good? He got me a puppy last year, who is now the love of my life.
I don't want to leave. I want to feel the way I felt when I first met him. Yet, I have talked with him so much that I have decided I will not initiate a conversation about these things again. I'm done talking. But... I feel... like I don't want to leave. I have no one and nowhere else. Plus, I do love him; I'm just disappointed in him.
Any advice?
I appreciate all of it, and I'm sorry for the long, long post.