Recently I began lurking through this site and I actually didn't think of registering as I'm not really good at English thus I didn't believe I could make much of a contribution to the site nor express myself properly.
I don't expect that you will waste your time reading my pathetic long post but still I have to express myself anyway cos I'm all filled up with emotions which I have to vommit somehow.
BUT after reading your post I felt the need to write an answer because I couldn't believe how similar we are. Even the title was most meaningful to me and touched my soul because it's nearly the same as a line from one of my favourite songs these days.(The song is "Hope for Us" by the group "Shadow Gallery" and one of the lines in the chorus is "I wonder is there hope for us?". The song describes my(actually our) present state perfectly which is why I think you should give it a listen.)
-I am 18, male
-I wouldn't call myself either good or bad looking, I'm an average Joe.
-I go off to college one week from today.
-I have never kissed a girl
-I have never hugged a girl
-I have never dated a girl
-I have never asked a girl out
-I have never been in any situation whereby any of the above could possibly occur.
All of these statements apply to me as well except that I won't be going to college until next year as this will be my last year in highschool.
Actually as a child I had a good number of friends with whom I spent most of my time although I was a shy kid. I guess these were the happiest times of my life: it's sad that it was all over before I knew it. The above situation of yours occured to me when I started highschool. I was the quiet loner of the class and was the easiest target for bullies. During classes they made fun of me with humiliating jokes and continued their harassing behaviour during breaks. As time passed I became more and more introverted and withdrawn and I avoided social contact whenever I could. As a result I lost contact with all of my friends and couldn't make any friends in highschool and was soon left out. But I was somehow content with my situation as I had found myself some good hobbies like playing computer games, playing the guitar and heavy metal music which consumed most of my free time. So most of the time I didn't feel a huge lack of companionship in my life even though I spent most of my free time at home alone and wasn't into any social activities. Neverthless, my parents were really disturbed because of this negative progression in my personality. They knew I felt lonely and unhappy but when they should have given me support and consolation they instead took up this bullyish behaviour of telling me how pathetic I was and how other normal kids spent most of their time outdoors whereas I avoided going out as much as possible.
After a while the feeling of loneliness started to grow(thanks to my family) and I started reading self-improvement books about topics like overcoming shyness etc. and to my surprise they proved useful. I got some temporary boost to my low self-esteem and made some friends in my school(actually just two friends but it was still a huge gift for me as I didn't have any friends at that time.) These guys have been my only close friends to this day because I couldn't make anymore friends at the school as we always hung around with each other and became the unpopular and freaky trio of the school in the eyes of other people.
Now just when I was nearly content with my life(Even though I still felt lonely), I became interested in girls and romantic relationships suddenly. Wherever I went I saw couples of my age and felt jealous and I was filled with wrath and hatred. I knew there was no hope of a romance for me as the only possible candidates of a girfriend for me were the girls in my school who saw me as a freak, loser etc. I wasn't good at talking to girls anyways. But that was not the only problem.
I didn't want to date any random good-looking girl(as if there was any girl who would be interested in me) but rather I wanted to fall in love deeply, to love someone intensely and honestly and find some who would return these feelings. But some really strange situation occured as a result of this search for true love. It's been nearly 2 years and I haven't fallen in love with one reallife girl but rather I keep falling in love with fictional characters. Seriously, I'm not even interested in real girls anymore because I can't even get myself to like one let alone fall in love with one.
Some of the latest subjects to my sick platonic love have been Neytiri from the movie Avatar, Alyx Vance from Half-life 2 and Asuka from Neon Genesis Evangelion. I was in love with each of them during separate periods of time(I guess I prefer monogamy
) and the Neytiri period is still going on. I still think about her most of the time and listen to love songs all the while dreaming her with me, crying occasionaly because I can never be with her.
One thing that surprised me in your post was that even though you've been through such a long sad time, you haven't considered the option of suicide once(and that is really happy for you). I for one have seriously considered commiting suicide many times but each time I did I decided not to end my life for various reasons. Of course one of the reasons was that I feared death but the biggest reason was because I couldn't find a suitable method to do it. But now I have found some good method and I'm waiting for the right time to end it all.
Anyway sorry for crappy English, sorry for the lenght(in fact I didn't really expect it to be so long maybe I should start a new thread myself) and for telling my story(actually I could write much more stuff than these) but I wanted to point out the similarities and more importantly I wanted to show you that there are people far more pathetic and hopeless than you are, in hope of bringing you some consolation. I don't know if there is hope for you but at least I'm sure that you are not as hopeless a case as I am. I hope you can find some happiness in the future...