dan_in_stoke
Member
- Joined
- Jul 5, 2012
- Messages
- 15
- Reaction score
- 0
Hi,
I know this one of my first posts but something...ok alot of things have been buzzing around my head, keeping me up at night so I'm going vent my troubles...
...Simply put, I'm in my mid 30's and as my sister put it....
...I don't have a life.
I've always been a quiet person, not want too much focus on me and shy'ed away from social gatherings.
I don't have any friends, literally no one beyond family...that arks back to when I left high school.
The few close friends I had split and we all went seperate ways because they moved away.
So going to college was really daughting and I was petrified. Totally new environment and new people. I ended up being alone and eventually that turned into being bullied almost daily, which forced more and more into my shell.
At the time when I should have been living life, having fun and getting to know who I was and the world around me I was doing the exact opposite. Avoiding any social gathering, drinks in the bar, out to night clubs.
Once college was over I instinctively decided not to go on to university, why would I.....it felt like if I did then it would be another three or four years of the same type of hell.
So I eventually got a job in a factory, doing shift work. Turn up, switch off, go home etc. Again I found it difficult to socialise or let anyone get close.
It was during that time that I had a Aha or eureka moment. Kind of.
Toy Story came out at the cinema and it lit a fire in me and I wanted to get into doing CGI graphics and animation.
I looked into what that entailed and it just so happens the local university had an animation course so I took a bold step, quit my job and enrolled.
Whilst I really enjoyed the course, the nightmare of college hung over me and I again sidelined myself, avoid social drinks and gatherings, which made me feel awkward around my fellow students.
Hindesite is a wonderful thing and I know now I should have engaged more with my fellow students, they never bullied me or seemed to not like me.....quite the opposite they were always trying to have a laugh WITH me and tried there dammed hardest to get me involved.
Fast forward four years and I graduated with a top mark degree with the promise that the world was my oyster and there for the taking....
...well that never happened.
I found out how cruel and difficult getting into the CGI field is. Job application after job application, rejection after rejection, " you don't have the expereince we are looking for"....
"you need to improve the quality of your work"
Four years later and I feel I am still no were. Job applications still get rejected and I've only managed to pick up a few freelance jobs.
All the while there is this nagging feeling going around and around in my head that life is passing me by. That I am wasting my time and never going to be able to move on with my life.
I still live at home, as I just don't have to finances to break free, work is so adhoc I litterly have no savings left.
Then there is the girlfriend issue...I've never had one, never been close to having one. With what happend at college and Uni, I never was in a postion to meet anyone.
Would I like to meet someone...absolutely, but I just don't know how as I don't go out.
Because I am a freelancer I work from home, by myself, getting jobs via the phone or mostly the internet and email so I can go days without leaving the house. I'm just living in this tiny little vaccum that no one knows about and I feel really really trapped and alone.
So back round to my subject line, is it all my fault...did the choices I make force me down this path ?
I just don't know what to do, my self confidence and moral is really low. Someone a few years ago said " if you want to change something, do it", trouble is I don't know how to go about it, or even if I have the strength to do it.
Sorry I know its along post but this has been troubling my mind for several weeks and I've just found the courage to post.
I know this one of my first posts but something...ok alot of things have been buzzing around my head, keeping me up at night so I'm going vent my troubles...
...Simply put, I'm in my mid 30's and as my sister put it....
...I don't have a life.
I've always been a quiet person, not want too much focus on me and shy'ed away from social gatherings.
I don't have any friends, literally no one beyond family...that arks back to when I left high school.
The few close friends I had split and we all went seperate ways because they moved away.
So going to college was really daughting and I was petrified. Totally new environment and new people. I ended up being alone and eventually that turned into being bullied almost daily, which forced more and more into my shell.
At the time when I should have been living life, having fun and getting to know who I was and the world around me I was doing the exact opposite. Avoiding any social gathering, drinks in the bar, out to night clubs.
Once college was over I instinctively decided not to go on to university, why would I.....it felt like if I did then it would be another three or four years of the same type of hell.
So I eventually got a job in a factory, doing shift work. Turn up, switch off, go home etc. Again I found it difficult to socialise or let anyone get close.
It was during that time that I had a Aha or eureka moment. Kind of.
Toy Story came out at the cinema and it lit a fire in me and I wanted to get into doing CGI graphics and animation.
I looked into what that entailed and it just so happens the local university had an animation course so I took a bold step, quit my job and enrolled.
Whilst I really enjoyed the course, the nightmare of college hung over me and I again sidelined myself, avoid social drinks and gatherings, which made me feel awkward around my fellow students.
Hindesite is a wonderful thing and I know now I should have engaged more with my fellow students, they never bullied me or seemed to not like me.....quite the opposite they were always trying to have a laugh WITH me and tried there dammed hardest to get me involved.
Fast forward four years and I graduated with a top mark degree with the promise that the world was my oyster and there for the taking....
...well that never happened.
I found out how cruel and difficult getting into the CGI field is. Job application after job application, rejection after rejection, " you don't have the expereince we are looking for"....
"you need to improve the quality of your work"
Four years later and I feel I am still no were. Job applications still get rejected and I've only managed to pick up a few freelance jobs.
All the while there is this nagging feeling going around and around in my head that life is passing me by. That I am wasting my time and never going to be able to move on with my life.
I still live at home, as I just don't have to finances to break free, work is so adhoc I litterly have no savings left.
Then there is the girlfriend issue...I've never had one, never been close to having one. With what happend at college and Uni, I never was in a postion to meet anyone.
Would I like to meet someone...absolutely, but I just don't know how as I don't go out.
Because I am a freelancer I work from home, by myself, getting jobs via the phone or mostly the internet and email so I can go days without leaving the house. I'm just living in this tiny little vaccum that no one knows about and I feel really really trapped and alone.
So back round to my subject line, is it all my fault...did the choices I make force me down this path ?
I just don't know what to do, my self confidence and moral is really low. Someone a few years ago said " if you want to change something, do it", trouble is I don't know how to go about it, or even if I have the strength to do it.
Sorry I know its along post but this has been troubling my mind for several weeks and I've just found the courage to post.