Jokes

[Bluey]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello.
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my 20
kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been
unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor
party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner
whipped my butt with wet celery???" She looks into his
eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

 

[Bluey]

Daddy's car in the woods?

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. "Mommy, I was at the playground

and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane..."

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save! the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army." Mommy fainted! Moral:You need to listen to the whole
story before you interrupt!

 

[Bluey]

A man and a woman who had never met before and were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly.... Him in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet

To get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold. '

'I have a better idea, ' she replied.' Just for tonight, let's just pretend that we're married.'

'Wow! That's a great idea! ' he exclaimed!

'Good, ' she replied... 'Get your own ******* blanket!!'

After a stunned moment of silence, he farted.

 

[Skorian]

Bluey.

Your rotten to the core

 

[Bluey]

who me, what me :shy: lol one moor I could not resist.

Nine PHRASES women use...

1.) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.

2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more
minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something,
and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing
usually end in fine.

4.) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5.) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing
with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman
can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard
before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say
you're welcome.

8.) Whatever : Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!

9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning
this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but
is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's
wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.Then you RUN!

 

[Kristen]

What are the three good reasons to have a 20 dollar bill tattooed on your penis:

1. You can play with your money.

2. You can watch your money grow.

3. Your wife can blow as much money as she wants.

 

[Blue Sky]

The Definition of an Eskimo

A fridget midget, with a rigid digit.

 

[Bluey]

What are the three good reasons to have a 20 dollar bill tattooed on your penis:

1. You can play with your money.

2. You can watch your money grow.

3. Your wife can blow as much money as she wants.

lololol bad bad e.m.e lololol

 

[Bluey]

lol A mail I just had.

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful, elderly poodle named Cuddles along for company.

One day Cuddles starts chasing butterflies, and before long, discovers he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle

sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says...

"Where's that **** monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story....

Don't mess with old farts... age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

If you don't send this to

five "old" friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.

I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some are just more youthfully challenged. You did notice the size of the print, didn't you?

 

[Hijacc]

ahaha

 

[Kristen]

wow cool signature picture u made it? I want one

----------------------------------------

It was Spring Time and Running Bear felt it was time to get a woman so he went to
the Medicine Man. The Medicine Man asked if he knew what to do with a woman and Running Bear admitted he didn't know.
The Medicine Man told Running Bear to go into the woods and find a tree with a hole in it waist high and practice until he knew what to do with a woman. Then Running Bear disappeared into the woods.
Sometime later Running Bear came to the Medicine Man and told him he now knew what to do with a woman.
After the Medicine Man introduced Running Bear to a beautiful maiden named White Dove Runnng Bear took her to a tipi near the edge of the village. He then asked her to take off her dress and bend over. Shrugging she did so
and was very surprised when he
hit her betwen the legs.
When White Dove asked him why he hit her like that Running Bear said ~
"I was checking for Bees."

 

[Kristen]

some cyber sex (not me) in some chatroom....




OVERHEARD IN A CYBERSEX CHAT ROOM.....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WELLHUNG: Hi Babe. What do you look like?

HOTBABE: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

WELLHUNG: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds.I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.

HOTBABE: I want you. Would you like to do me?

WELLHUNG: OK

HOTBABE: We're in my bedroom.There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table.I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

WELLHUNG: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.

HOTBABE: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

WELLHUNG: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse.My hands are trembling.

HOTBABE: I'm moaning softly.

WELLHUNG: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.

HOTBABE: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure.The cool silk slides off my warm skin.I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

WELLHUNG: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse.I'm sorry.

HOTBABE: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.

WELLHUNG: I'll pay for it.

HOTBABE: Don't worry about it.I'm wearing a lacy black bra.My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.

WELLHUNG: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra.I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?

HOTBABE: I take your hand and kiss it softly.I'm reaching backundoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.

WELLHUNG: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.

HOTBABE: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

WELLHUNG: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!

HOTBABE: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.

WELLHUNG: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.

HOTBABE: What?

WELLHUNG: I'm so sorry. Really.

HOTBABE: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

WELLHUNG: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.

HOTBABE: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.

WELLHUNG: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!

HOTBABE: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

WELLHUNG: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on your...umm... wait a minute.

HOTBABE: What's the matter?

WELLHUNG: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.

HOTBABE: Are you OK?

WELLHUNG: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.

HOTBABE: Can I help?

WELLHUNG: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?

HOTBABE: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

WELLHUNG: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.

HOTBABE: Come back to me, lover.

WELLHUNG: I'm washing the cup now.

HOTBABE: I'm on the bed arching for you.

WELLHUNG: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?

HOTBABE: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

WELLHUNG: I found it.

HOTBABE: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.

WELLHUNG: Me too.

HOTBABE: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing each other.

WELLHUNG: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

HOTBABE: Sweetheart Why don't you take off your glasses?

WELLHUNG: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.

HOTBABE: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

WELLHUNG: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.

HOTBABE: Hurry back, lover.

WELLHUNG: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.

HOTBABE: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

WELLHUNG: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!

HOTBABE: What's the matter now?

WELLHUNG: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.

HOTBABE: Mmm, yes. Come on.

WELLHUNG: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in your...you know...woman's thing.

HOTBABE: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

WELLHUNG: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.

HOTBABE: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!

WELLHUNG: I'm flaccid.

HOTBABE: What?

WELLHUNG: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.

HOTBABE: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.

WELLHUNG: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner is all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.

HOTBABE: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.

WELLHUNG: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.

HOTBABE: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.

WELLHUNG: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.

HOTBABE: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!

WELLHUNG: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!

HOTBABE: --logged off--

 

[armor4sleepPA]

Wow... that was awsome, EME.... I'm all in the mood now. I can hack up some nasty phleghm.... any takers?

 

[armor4sleepPA]

A none-too-smart girl sits on the subway reading the paper. Suddenly the giant headline catches her attention: 10 Brazilian soldiers killed by insurgents.

Gasping, she looks to her right and exclaims, "OMG... this is awful... those poor soldiers! Do you know how many a Brazilian is? I suck at math..."

 

[Kristen]

Wow... that was awsome, EME.... I'm all in the mood now. I can hack up some nasty phleghm.... any takers?

ew....Armor, u just killed my other mood...thanks a lot

 

[Kristen]

A none-too-smart girl sits on the subway reading the paper. Suddenly the giant headline catches her attention: 10 Brazilian soldiers killed by insurgents.

Gasping, she looks to her right and exclaims, "OMG... this is awful... those poor soldiers! Do you know how many a Brazilian is? I suck at math..."

lol...welcome to NYC

 

[armor4sleepPA]

aww.. EME.... should I spill some bbq on my shirt and do a little dance for you? lol

 

[Kristen]

aww.. EME.... should I spill some bbq on my shirt and do a little dance for you? lol

...I have no idea what mood that dance will get me into....some crazy mood swings maybe...I put a vase with dry flawers on my head and start jumping jacks or somth...

strawberry topped with heavy whipped cream ...would do it...lol

 

[Kristen]

im posting some pen/vag jokes mostly cause I think they are the funniest....heres another 1


The Penis requests a Promotion and a Raise for the following
reasons:

* has to work hard;
* has to work at great depths;
* has to work upside down;
* has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work;
* has to work in a high humidity environment;
* has to work at high temperatures;
* does not get weekends and holidays off;
* does not get time off after extra hoursof work;
* has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional
sickness.
Request denied for the following reasons:

* does not work 8 hours in a row;
* does not answer immediately to all requests;
* after a short activity period, falls asleep at work;
* shows no fidelity to the workplace;
* retires too early;
* does not work at all unless pushed from behind;
* does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work;
* sometimes leaves work too early

 

[DoorsUK]

^^
Thats a good one, just what i needed hehe.


Heres a joke i read today, i dunno if any of ya heard it before:

An old man is sitting on a park bench crying. A young man is walking by and asks him why he's crying. The old man says, "I'm retired and I have lots of money, a huge luxury apartment, a beautiful 25 year old wife who loves me and has sex with me twice a day"

The young man says, "Well then why the hell are you crying!?"

The old man replies, "I can't remember where I live!"