sempiternal
Member
Ive always found it hard to find friends, especially people my age. Its like to me the only thing they do is fool around. and play and do some stupid stuff. They don't like books. They don't like being alone. I actually like solitude. Cos then no one would bother me, or just make my life miserable. By isolation its a means of protection for myself. They won't be able to hurt me, or affect me. I try my best to shut them out. Those people who shut me out too. But sometimes being lonely hurts. When you are in a crowded place, yet you feel trapped, like watching the world, enclosed in a glass sphere. You speak but you are not heard. You try to break through, to seek connection but the glass is too thick. People walk a mile ahead, forgetting your existence. I really really wish someone can talk to me , when I am lonely and feeling like the world has caved in. Someone who doesn't judge and can understand me, and accept me for who I am. To them it doesn't matter. I'm like a rock in the sidewalk. I like it, I can't deny that. But its human nature to want to reach out. To have someone by your side during the worst times. All this while I've been walking on my own. The game of life is hard to play. I want to give up. I have problems with my family as well, feel like I am not even related to them. My mom is just put of her mind. She flares up at the slightest thing and even if nothing's wrong she will find something to pick a fight with me. Just yesterday she threw a cup at me and I got a bruise. Ironically she was the one who went to my dad sobbing. I was just reading a book. She didn't like it. What's wrong with reading a book? I can't do anything about this life. Its either I run away, I kill my parents, or I kill myself. I don't know how to survive on the streets. Its just like killing myself slowly. Provided I'm not nabbed back into that hellhole that's my home in two days, given my countries size. There's simply nowhere to run to. I don't want to be remembered for being a murderer either. I will be left an orphan. Not that its bad. But the consequences, I have a headache just thinking about it. So I came to the conclusion. The last choice. Ending my life. You probably will say it isn't a good one, but there really is no other. Perhaps you can suggest some more pathways I can take. To get myself out of this, end this pain. I'm open to suggestions. I will make my decision in 3 weeks time, before term starts.