Less Lonely Via No Contact Journal

[Alone By Faults]

middle aged male
I am the dumpee

Multi year relationship that looked like it had the possibility of working itself out. Progress we made was halted by her slamming on the brakes.

I went no contact and broke after ten days. She responds quickly to texts and phone calls. In the conversations she says she has not closed the door to us and that she has "love for me."

This honeymoon phase lasted two to three days then hautiness and control issues came back.

I decided that my life is better without her and went no contact again. The goal stated here is 90 days. I do this to heal and to become a better person. I wish to be part of a healthy and equal relationship

This will be my journal of it...ask away on the questions

It is Day Two...times is not important as much as adhering and forgetting

 

[shadetree]

I hate to reduce a relationship to a habit. Because i know its a lot more than that but it is kind of a habit in a way. I read somewhere if you can make sixty days you can break any habit and change your thinking so ninety days is a great goal but you may only need the sixty. Sorry to be so analytical about it just wanted to throw that in there. I hope youre able to make it and you find a relationship that makes you happy. Good luck with it and I think the journals a great idea.

 

[Alone By Faults]

No worries Shadetree.

I have blocked off all effective means of reasonable communication. Cell phone block. Switching over to new email account.

Coming to terms that she is now my ex and not my friend.

There are people that want to be with me for being me. I just need to get off my backside and find them.

 

[AspiringCatLady]

Good for you @Alonebyfaults and keep that no contact going forever! Never ever be tempted to go back after 60 days, 90 days or any other number of days. These people like you're describing (your ext) they just never change and she'll be desperate to suck you back into her web of control by then, if not before. Ignore all communication and move on with your life!! Be careful when you start dating again you don't start attracting the crazy women, look out for red flags!! I've had one of these sorts of relationships and now i'm at the point where I never want to date again, i've chosen the single life. I'm seriously done with it all!! But happy about my choice. Just wish other people would take me seriously! Best of luck to you and your healing x

 

[Alone By Faults]

Good for you @Alonebyfaults and keep that no contact going forever! Never ever be tempted to go back after 60 days, 90 days or any other number of days. These people like you're describing (your ext) they just never change and she'll be desperate to suck you back into her web of control by then, if not before. Ignore all communication and move on with your life!! Be careful when you start dating again you don't start attracting the crazy women, look out for red flags!! I've had one of these sorts of relationships and now i'm at the point where I never want to date again, i've chosen the single life. I'm seriously done with it all!! But happy about my choice. Just wish other people would take me seriously! Best of luck to you and your healing x

Thank you. If I had the will and desire to put up a false front then the relationship would still be going. Since my childhood, I was nurtured into thinking that I alone would never be good enough. I had believed that. I also thought that love can conquer all. One was proven correct and the other was a pipedream. It is my testimony that my heart is broken over realizing that all love (short of the divine) is performance based.

Goals like regaining my life and eventually getting a pet are on the calendar. Only after healing...talking out helps this as I must not fall into the trap of looking back and only seeing good times. It had both but to be healed, I must do this alone.

 

[Tealeaf]

You're one of few people I see who makes a plan for a new life, so you'll probably be fine in time. But yes - best to keep contact cut. I've talked to people who were facing emotional blackmail a year or more down the line because their ex knew they had something that would hurt them and draw them in.

 

[Alone By Faults]

Thank you forum...

Just figured our that instead of digging around to see if she contacted me, I go here and see what is updated to share and help.

TY

 

[AspiringCatLady]

@Alone by faults, I can relate to you with your childhood and upbringing, unfortunately I didn't really realise that this was what it was all down to when I was in a similar type of relationship. It's like a double blow. Good for you for wanting to find a relationship of equals and respect - you deserve that. All you can say is you tried your hardest in the relationship, but if it's never going to change, it's never going to change. Definitely come on here or chat to friends if you feel the urge to look for her, or find yourself feeling lonley. These toxic and addicting relationships are definitely the hardest to break free from, so give yourself a pat on the back for recognising she wasn't right for you. Good riddance hey! Stay strong

 

[Alone By Faults]

@Alone by faults, I can relate to you with your childhood and upbringing, unfortunately I didn't really realise that this was what it was all down to when I was in a similar type of relationship. It's like a double blow. Good for you for wanting to find a relationship of equals and respect - you deserve that. All you can say is you tried your hardest in the relationship, but if it's never going to change, it's never going to change. Definitely come on here or chat to friends if you feel the urge to look for her, or find yourself feeling lonley. These toxic and addicting relationships are definitely the hardest to break free from, so give yourself a pat on the back for recognising she wasn't right for you. Good riddance hey! Stay strong

I am not trying to pass myself off as a saint. I take full responsibilty for my part in the failed relationship. Issues I have and now the time to address them.

The way I can tell it was not going to work is this : You can evaluate the type of person you are with by seeing how they interact with people whom they could not obtain any benefit from. It is a default mode that comes out when she is tired. On a trip back from somewhere, there was a family with a sign on the side of the road asking for money. I gave a little and as we drove away, she says "Great you have now funded terrorism." Trying to be funny but there is more than a grain of truth in it as she saw it.


Enough about her and the past...we move forward...weeeeeeeeeeeeeee

 

[Amthorn]

A controlling relationship van be very hard to break away from. Congrats on opening a new chapter in your life!

 

[Mouse]

@Alone by faults, welcome to the forum.

When faced with a toxic relationship, the only way we can preserve ourselves is do what you did.Walk away, keep walking. Manipulative guilt makers have no place in our lives. Find someone who really does care. You have alread made a start and I am very pleased you have.

There are some great people on this forum that have been such a blessing. I hope you will stay with us.

Anna

 

[Alone By Faults]

No temptation to contact. Starting off with the good helps....

the step back..

1. checked email despite knowing I would not hear from her...
2. spent time in my day grumbling about her in my thoughts....

What is wrong with me....I know she is not suffering, mullling things over, or even thinking about this.

Why do the people in my circumstance can not take the liberated stance of the dumper?

 

[AspiringCatLady]

It doesn't matter if you were the dumper or the dumpee, leaving a toxic relationship is difficult either way - it's like an addiction. What you're suffering from is something called cognitive dissonance. Only with time and continued no contact will you start to feel better. Try to do something good for YOU today, accept she's in your thoughts but try not to fight it or beat yourself up as to why you're feeling like this. One day at a time, you'll get there. Whenever she comes into your thoughts remind yourself why it wouldn't have worked. Congratulate yourself for breaking free. There's someone much better out there for you, you're not alone! If it helps there's a good website called Pyschopath Free - look up the red flags of a manipulative partner and see how many she ticks. There are thousands of people in this situation x

 

[Alone By Faults]

I love mes a good website.

TY AspiringCatLady I will go there today.

 

[Alone By Faults]

I hurt right now...I am ashamed that I have become emotionally dependent on a woman who is moving on.

Wish I could just get my Man Card as this is for the birds

 

[kolmer]

You've got nothing to be ashamed of, the heart works in tricky ways. Seems clichéd but They say that these things fade and that keeping busy will help. If you need a chat with someone going through a similar situation feel free to pm me

 

[Alone By Faults]

Thanks all. This has effected me more than I know. Someone asked me to a movie..said either this Friday or next weekend. I know expect to not be contacted about it despite she saying she would let me know.