let me die

[looooser]

Most people would complain if they had been lonely for one year, for me it’s been more than thirty. I can’t endure the loneliness anymore. I feel that I will always be unliked by any female. I can't stand looking in the mirror, because when I do, all I can see is an ugly looser that nobody will ever want. I feel like crying whenever I see couples, knowing that I will never be loved by anyone. I hate and fear life, I must destroy myself to escape the pain of loneliness. You have to be or have the following items to have a girlfriend; lots of cash, flashy car, 6ft tall, GQ looks, and be the romance king of the world, if you don't, you might as well be dead. I’ve prayed and prayed for a girlfriend, but I will never have one, because I’m a worthless loser. I can’t hold out any longer against the life-crushing weight of loneliness. I have made too many mistakes with my life, to change my fate now. I’ve failed in every aspect of life. Even after getting my crappy little associates, I’m still only worth minimum wage. I’m a worthless piece of sh_t no matter what I do. The rules in life have little or nothing to do with respect and kindness for others, it’s all about screwing or stepping on your fellow man so that you can get to the top. I am not strong enough to deal with the everyday obstacles of life. Debt and loneliness will be the main cause of my death. I wish I could explain to anyone that would listen. I wish that there were a place, where you could go to be legally euthanized. To love and to be loved by a significant other is something that I’ve always longed for, but will never know. I’m only 5’7” tall, and not attractive, by almost anyone’s standards. Few will ever understand my mind or heart, when they pass judgment on my final action. They will say that my choice was a selfish one, when it is they who are selfish. I guess I should have gone on living a life of total depression, loneliness, and hopelessness, so that they wouldn’t feel uncomfortable dealing with choice I’ve made. They will probably say, why didn’t he seek help. After seeking help in the past, I usually ended up in worse shape, because I then had to pay a large bill, for the little help that I’d received. If I had some sort of deficiency, other than serotonin, like white blood cells, or antibodies, people would think of me differently. People have sympathy for someone that is dying from a weak heart, or bad liver, but will ignorantly judge someone that has an imbalance with their brain chemistry. A person with a mental illness will usually receive the standard triple punishment scenario, first from their distorted and miserable views of themselves and life, second from other’s stigmatized attitudes towards their illness, and third from suicide. People will say that I just sat on my pity pot saying woe ways me, well what else can you do when there is no one to comfort you? You may ignorantly call it a pity party, but in reality it’s called clinical depression, get it? This type of attitude towards mental illness is why I will never be able to trust anyone. I’ll never have a wife. I love my mom and sister the most, and didn’t want to hurt them. I wanted my mom to be proud of me, but instead I’ve ended up so ashamed of everything I’ve become. If I’m too stupid to take care of myself, why should someone else have to? People tell me to buck up or pull yourself up by the bootstraps and deal with it. These are the kind of people that makes me want to share my grief with them in the form of a forty-five hollow point. Who are they to decide what level of pain and suffering I can handle or how many decades I should be able to live through the loneliness. I don’t want to live in poverty on SSD. A mental illness is the most degrading illness of them all, that’s why it’s hard for me to even show my face when I need help. Oh yea, here’s something I just remembered and thought was important to write down before I forgot it again. People don’t realize that I have all the characteristics needed to fit the profile of a mass murderer. At any time in my frustrated, confused, and lonely life, I could have done a lot of harm to many others, but didn’t. I guess not killing anyone else except myself is my way of showing that I really am a kind and gentle person. I just wanted to by loved by someone,------anyone.

 

[perfanoff]

You don't have any parents or siblings left?

 

[Edward W]

Hey, don't do anything yet. I can't say I understand as I've not been the same issues. But I think some of the others here can and may be able to help.

It can't hurt to stick around and see can it?

If you like PM me, I can't promise I can help, but I will listen. (I will be offline for a bit now though)

 

[BrokenInside]

You have tried everyone...now try us! Please talk to us before doing anything wrong to yourself.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Please think this over. Life is beautiful, and things can always change for the better.

 

[aribeth]

I feel like the OP. I was looking forward to my son moving back into town, now, he's not coming. My whole world has been blown apart. I am so lonely and am tired of being alone. Too old for a boyfriend and I don't attract any either. I have come to terms that I will be alone without a man. What I can't come to terms with is being away from my son. Family is very important to me.

I do not know what to do with myself. I am lonely and tired of being alone. I have constantly thought of suicide. Can't work because of my handicaps. Each day is long and drags on forever with nothing to do but stare at 4 walls.
Friends I hardly see. Maybe I should save my money up and move to where my son is. Its the only hope I have.

 

[Tiina63]

I have also been lonely for thirty years-all my adult life up to now, so I understand where you are coming from.
Not all women are looking for someone 6ft tall, with lots of money, a flashy car etc. Most of us want someone who is reliable, caring and decent. A lot of women would welcome the sort of empathy you could bring to them, because your own suffering will resonate with their own loneliness and confusion.
This Western world-dog eat dog, climb over others to get to the top etc-seems to be set up to make people stressed out and lonely. Your dislike of it is shared by a lot of people.
Being told you are having a pity party or to pull yourself up by the bootstraps is the sort of thing which some people say who have no idea of what you have gone through and are still going through. They wouldn't last a month of it, let alone thirty years. Put such remarks down to their insensitivity and lack of understanding.
If you ever want to pm me, I hope that you will go ahead.

 

[Okiedokes]

I agree with Tina. The things people say to you should be something you take as they simply don't know what it's like. If someone bothers you about it, just tell them you no longer want to talk about it with them. I think the expectations of others can be higher than we can tolerate for ourselves, so follow your own and don't be hard on yourself. You aren't a loser. You said it yourself..you have clinical depression and it is a real problem. I hope you are alright. Don't give up yet. I don't know if this will help you but it helps me when I feel really down. Eventually, I will pass. It will happen regardless...I'll take life day by day and try. If I fail at something, it's not a failure because I tried.

 

[SophiaGrace]

I don't understand why you belittle your accomplishment of getting an associates. It is an accomplishment. Don't deride yourself for it.

What're you in debt from?

 

[Toby]

Firstly, you don't sound like a loser. You sound like someone who has a mental issue that many don't understand and they judge you by your appearance rather than what's deep down in your heart. Don't worry, you're not alone. Mental illness is one of the most misdiagnosed issues and unfortunately people generally just like "eachother" (e.g. the normals) rather than someone a bit different. It's OK to be different - we are all different, some just a bit more than others for various reasons. Your height, your looks, your job, your wage, it's all who you are... try to have some confidence in yourself because there are things in your life that sound worthy of being proud about.

Your family - if they are still around, I think you should start with them. Your mother and sister - show them you love them, if you don't already. They have probably both been there for you since you were a baby and will probably always be there for you. Before a girlfriend, start with them. In the meantime, really try to stay positive about where your life is going. That may be easier said than done but you have a job, which alot of people don't. You're here, you're alive! You have the ability to express your emotions to us on the forum, which alot of people may physically not be able to do. That's a blessing. Do you have any friends that you could talk to about things? Like Edward W said, if nothing else, you have us.

There may not be alot of places around where mentally and physically different people can come to share their feelings about being different, how it affects them and all of the struggles... but this is somewhere where you can do that. We're here for you and we'll support you.