Life is Going Down the Crapper

[m4r10w3]

I feel so invisible. I mean, honeysuckle. It's always been like this my whole life. I've been going to university for four years now and haven't made any friends. When I walk around it's like I'm stuck in one of those revolving animation things... just people moving around and around me ad infinitum. There is no point to the life I'm leading. I'm never going to be able to get a job due to my crippling shyness and anxiety issues which stops me from networking or delivering good interviews (I don't even care that I'd be selling my soul to an evil firm filled with all those fake smiling corporate suits -- I just want a job! Any job!). I also look and feel ten years younger than I am. Going to be a crazy cat lady living on the dole for the rest of my life... joy.

I used to be able to deal with my loneliness but this is getting harder and harder for me now. I was prescribed with Cymbalta around 1.5 months ago. It helped me function some. But since a few days ago I've started crying without volition. Crying in lectures. Crying while walking. Crying on the bus or in bed. I've even cried in front of a stranger today for a trivial reason (getting her name wrong) and it was embarassing. An hour ago I cried so hard I vomited. I'm just crying because the loneliness hurts too much, because of seeing all the happy chatting faces all around me and thinking, 'why can't I have that?'

No one understands (besides, this is too embarassing to tell people). I've tried counselling and psychiatry but I hated it and thought it was an utter waste of money. I now take a fatalistic view of the whole thing...

What is the point of living anymore? If life is a story I am living in, then I am a cipher. I don't know what to do... I know I'm a nice person, I'm not fat or ugly, I'm intelligent enough... I just can't overcome the all-consuming darkness in my mind, cliche as it sounds (and no one understands why I can't just "man up" and overcome my mental issues...it ******* sucks)

Sorry for all the whinging.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Most people hit sometype of a bottom before they change ..then change thier lives.
So dont freak out....

Mental issues? that's actaully easier than you think.
Stop thinking so god **** much. Stop trying to figure all the honeysuckle out.
Get out of your fucken head....

Fighting your mind is like getting into a bull ring with a big ass bull.
seize fighting...get out of the fucken bull ring.

An analogy....
It's the same as a merry go round in a play ground.
The more you fresia with your mind or trying to figure honeysuckle out...it keeps the merry go round
in motion...when you step off of the merry, it'll lose momentum naturally.

that's why some people meditate..so they stop thinking all the fucken time.

That's why when people say...live in the moment there's peace and life.
When you live in the moment you're not in your head.
memories of yesterday and projecting the future and pissing all over today

becuase our mind sometimes create problems so it can resolve problems

 

[Catcher]

It's hard being shy. It's the bane of my existence. I've been working to come out of my shyness and I think it's improving, if only a little. Try having a casual conversation with a stranger you probably wont ever see again like a store clerk or someone on campus. Keep it short and talk about something non-important like what's on sale today or what professor is annoying.

I used to be petrified if I had to talk to a stranger, and I still get anxiety over it sometimes, but the more I do it the better it is. Eventually you'll build up the courage to have long, meaningful conversations with people. Meanwhile, small and light conversations can help stop the loneliness for a little bit at a time.

 

[TurinTurambar]

M4, I feel you. I'm in a major state school with 40000+ students but the sky would fall if any of them ever wanted to be my friend. I walk around my town and there are couples holding hands and mobs of young people talking and laughing. All while I walk by myself. I feel like i'm confident, but no one gives a honeysuckle. Do you have that thing where you walk by someone and they avert their eyes from you like you're some kind of mutant. I'm pretty sure I'm not ugly I could show a pic if anyone wants, so I just don't get it. I'm stuck in the same boat as you. I wish I had an answer for you, I'm still trying to figure it out myself.

 

[I'm Fine]

There's been some really good advice given so far. What I'd like to add is talk to your doctor. You're already on medication and it's possible that it needs adjusting. Maybe you've built up a tolerance for what you're on or it's starting to have side effects, I don't know - but it's possible that they could give you something to help.

Like I said, that's in ADDITION to what others have said. I hope it helps.

Take care *hugs*

 

[MrBurns]

M4, I feel you. I'm in a major state school with 40000+ students but the sky would fall if any of them ever wanted to be my friend. I walk around my town and there are couples holding hands and mobs of young people talking and laughing. All while I walk by myself. I feel like i'm confident, but no one gives a honeysuckle. Do you have that thing where you walk by someone and they avert their eyes from you like you're some kind of mutant. I'm pretty sure I'm not ugly I could show a pic if anyone wants, so I just don't get it. I'm stuck in the same boat as you. I wish I had an answer for you, I'm still trying to figure it out myself.

40,000??? fresia me America is big. In high school (in England) all we had is 500 student in one school!

 

[Social Knight]

Yeah you must be the odd person out. I was in university for 3 years and didn't make any friends too.

People don't want to be your friend because they are shallow and judge you because you are different.

The best action you can take it graduate university with good grades. Then take treatment from professionals, CBT, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_behavioral_therapy or medication and see a few doctors for opinions.

You said you are not fat or ugly, without seeing you in real life , we can't give you feedback.

 

[beans]

I think things will not help if you are unemployed. Just start baby steps. Find a job that is less intimidating. I used to be very afraid of interviews but I'd just go for the heck of it, just to test the market. Kept practicing until I got used to it, like it was nothing for me.

I really think social anxiety or shyness should not stop you from at least earning a living. I have spent a lot of time NOT working, one time I just stayed at home all year round and I can tell you I almost went insane.

I understand about university, have you ever tried smiling and saying "Hi" to everyone? Maybe not everyone but maybe 2-3 people in a day that you see always?

 

[m4r10w3]

Thanks for the encouragement and tips everyone. I feel much more up to the challenge of living life now. It's still probably going to take years before I get anywhere, but I just have to not lose hope...

 

[yesm]

Have you ever considered meditation? I remember before my junior year of highschool i had moved with my family to a new area. I was going to be starting at a new school. I was so overwhelmed and nervous one day i just started crying hysterically about it. I wasn't that practiced at meditation at the time, but i was fed up and decided i was going to sit down and meditate and not get up till I wasn't nervous anymore. About 2 hours or so into it all of the sudden these words echoed in my head, "no fear". This satory saturated my consciousness and all my anxiety was gone. For the first 3 days at my new highschool i walked around completely anxiety free. Simply taking each new moment as it came without anticipation or worry. It was amazing. Eventually this feeling i was riding out dicipated... I'm normally shy, but by the time the feeling left I was already a lot more comfortable in my environment and went on to make friends and do the average school thing still mostly being a loner though.

As of recently my meditation practice has improved quite significantly to the point it has become something "i want to do". It eases my mind. Gets rid of stress and negative thoughts. And is generally a very positive experience.

I'm not very big on the psychiatric field or psychology myself. I believe it has it's uses and helps some people, but i also know for a fact it damages a lot of people and makes things worse off. or simply has no effect at all.

Sometimes the burden of thoughts can be very heavy and devestating to our well being. I remember the first time i went to the local budhist temple, I cried during the guided meditation. I normally carry with me this feeling of being alone with the world against me... and just being surrounded by people of like mind in a compassionate caring environment was very freeing.

Anyway good luck. Life isn't easy, but even in sorrow there is beauty... and whatever you are seeking in life... if you keep looking long enough usually you will find what you are looking for whatever it may be....

 

[walkman]

m4r10w3

I like the way you ended your post... it's good to know that you understand you are only 'whinging', and you need an outlet for it. I'm sure you don't believe that your whinging will solve the troubles. There is nothing wrong in crying, nor in shyness. Whatever you are feeling is perfectly natural. But you need to have a perspective on it, before it gets terribly complicated and depressing.

Most of our suffering is due to our faulty assumption that we are 'alone' in this and there is nobody as miserable as 'me'. We make it into a personal problem, which it is NOT. Well, now you know that there are so many people who understand and sympathise with every feeling of yours. You have people out there to share the burden of your heart. Please express your pains to somebody. The first step is always difficult, more so when it comes to social issues. But you have got to take it. Try medidation as well... it'll give you a clear perspective on your thoughts. There is nothing to thinking... it's all empty, but we can make a big deal out of it. So try meditation. And speak to us about your experiences.


_______________________

The person who tries to live alone will not succeed as a human being. His heart withers if it does not answer another heart. His mind shrinks away if he hears only the echoes of his own thoughts and finds no other inspiration.
* Pearl S. Buc