Loneliness doesn't bother me

[Sam_Wright_1988]

Hey,

I have an odd problem, even though I wouldn't call it a problem: I am pretty lonely. I have good friends, but I can go without social contact for months.

It's not really a problem because I don't feel like it is, and being lonely runs in my family, we all spend a lot of time on our own and that's it.

Thing is, I know now that I am missing out on a lot of great things. And I haven't had a girlfriend in quite some time (that's the hardest part). The funny thing is, it doesn't look like I have a serious problem: I can be outgoing if I need to be and according to my (female) friends I am cute, funny and intelligent. In fact, I am pretty happy. And it's true, I do feel like I am an interesting person when I am socializing, it's not like people treat me like a weirdo. When I meet new people they're extremely positive and appreciate my presence (at least, that's what I am told afterwards, whether I like to join them next time . One of my friends is absolutely puzzled by my loneliness (just like I am), I have absolutely no reason to be lonely any longer. There's no reason either why I don't have a girlfriend, though I am hard to get to. Aside from that, I usually don't care what people think about me and just go about my daily business.

So, I can't quite put my finger on it: I am just lonely and most of the time I don't care. This means, though, that I hardly ever visit parties or organize social stuff myself. I feel like I am missing something and- today for instance -I feel terrible because I realize I need to be more social!

I suspect I do have a deep-seated problem, during my childhood I was bullied a lot and this continued as I grew older. My mom is a classic borderline personality and can be extremely demanding, she has always been unpredictable (socially) and I still feel like I can't trust people, even though I no longer have any reason to. At the moment, I feel like I know myself, can take care of myself and have no social troubles whatsoever. Unfortunately, I choose to be lonely!

When I entered college things changed rapidly, suddenly I made a lot of friends and went out a lot. I discovered I really wasn't a terrible person after all (like my mom always told me). In fact, I felt great! But I still have a hard time accepting this: how can I be this guy? How could anyone ever love me? And why is everything going so well?

Before I knew it, I subconsciously sabotaged my own life and still do. I feel somewhere, deep down inside, I am not allowed to be happy, or that someone can love me. This is probably the reason why I spend a lot of time on my own, and justify that behaviour!

Does this sound familiar? Being told you are a terrible person, then discovering that what your mom told you is utter nonsense, but still you're unable to change old habits? Unable to embrace your positive side?

And yes I am happy, but not as much as I could be.

I want to change, I don't know how to. I want to go out there and live my life!

Sam

 

[Barbaloot]

What is your thought process when you choose not to participate in activities with your friends? Are you doing it because you really think you are unworthy of their company? Are you afraid they will hurt you?

Have you ever gone to therapy? I don't normally ever advise people this and it may sound like a cop out of an answer, but to me it sounds like your mother's treatment of you, and the bullying, affected you at such a profound level that until you can resolve that, until you can fully be aware of your self worth, you will always struggle with this issue and you may not be able to do it on your own.

Besides, what is so bad about you?

 

[Ak5]

Possibly psychological trauma?

 

[brunel]

Hi Sam- Yes it does sound familiar, I totally empathise with your story although the bullying came from my father and brother in my case. Like you I am not socially inept and I have friends but just adore getting back home to an empty flat with no one to answer to. I too am concerned that I don't care that I have no relationship. I love my own company and as no-one has heard of the films/TV/books/music/plays I watch or have any interest in political and current affairs issues I follow, trying to chat someone up is an exercise in foolishness.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

It sounds like psychological trauma from your mother.

Have you considered therapy? It could be a really good thing for you, to help get you over the past and into the present and future.

 

[FreedomFromLiberty]

I love my own company and as no-one has heard of the films/TV/books/music/plays I watch or have any interest in political and current affairs issues I follow, trying to chat someone up is an exercise in foolishness.

Ohhhhh maaaaaan. You are describing me to a T!!

 

[Unwanted94]

You mean...0 social contact or just contact with people you know, like your friends? Sorry. That part sort of confused me.

 

[paulo]

youre not lonely if you dont feel lonely.
being alone, by yourself and being lonely arnt the same thing.

if youre happy being by yourself i dont see a problem, unless its for some wrong reason, traumas or something like that.