Mixed Signals....Thoughts Please (long post)

[OnlyMe]

Thank you to everyone that has replied since my last post and as I appreciate you taking the time to give me your thoughts I will be replying to all of you.

First of all, congratulations on your weight loss and for having a cute girl show interest in you. That's great going and they're real, tangible things that you can use to build your confidence. Seriously, kudos for that.

Now I'm sorry if this next bit comes off as a little harsh but I'm genuinely trying to help and I don't think it'd do you any good to hear platitudes.

The one thing you don't want to come off as at the moment is needy. Look at this logically. She cancelled the date which is a bit crappy but you said yourself, she works 2 jobs - it doesn't seem too unreasonable to me that she's pushed for time and might possibly have been called into work. It happens and I know it's easy to think the worst but in this instance you should give her the benefit of the doubt.

Then you texted her and it turned out she'd replied quite soon after. That's good.

Not getting through to her isn't a problem of itself - people miss calls all the time, and they don't always phone back for all kinds of reasons - and I'm worried that you're now trying to force the issue by also texting her with some kind of ultimatum. It might not seem like that to you, but I'm pretty sure it will to her.

The reason people like to get together and spend time is because it's fun. She obviously likes you and thinks you're a good guy. But if you move from that in the space of a few days to texting, then phoning, then texting again to ask where you stand, you're moving way too fast. It's putting pressure on her when things should still be enjoyable and relaxed. To be horribly blunt, it's really not the thing you want to be doing.

I understand why you're doing it and believe me, I'm full of sympathy for you. This girl seems to be into you and I don't think it's fatal yet, but at the moment you're being your own worst enemy.

Good luck. I hope you get what you want. Like I say I'm sorry if this comes off as harsh but I don't think it's necessarily useful to tell you only what you want to hear.

Hi Milly,

Thank you so much for your reply, it was extremely useful and I certainly don't consider it harsh at all.

My reason for posting on here is to get the ideas and thoughts of others and everyone has been great.

Generally I don't think of myself as a needy person [undefined=undefined]BUT[/undefined] I know that when it comes to women that I am interested in I definitely struggle to know how much contact (either phone / sms / e-mail) is the right amount and in the past I have no doubt that I have gone overboard and certainly could have given off that 'needy'

I genuinely understood why she had to cancel the date and while I was crushed I knew it was out of her control as I know she works a second job in the evenings. Unfortunately once the date was cancelled the fear of missing out / losing my chance with her seemed to kick in.

Two days ago we had a conversation at work in which she really opened up to me telling me about herself, her hobbies, her plans for the future. As I looked into her eyes it just seemed so right.

However her plans for the future involve moving to the UK sometime in 2013 to live with some of her relatives as she has had enough of living here in Australia.

I was shocked by this and I'll be honest when I say my first thought was 'What about us'

She said that was the start of her boring little story. I e-mailed a bit later at work telling her that it was far from boring and that I would love to hear the rest of it.

Later that night it wasn't the fact that she didn't answer or return my call - but when I saw her at work the next day she didn't even acknowledge I had called which gave me that horrible feeling that something wasn't right.

As a result I stayed away from her at work to try and give her space.

By last night though the stomach churning feeling and mental stress just got the better of me. I just felt that I wanted to let her know what I was thinking and try and find out where I stand. I didn't want it to be an ultimatium (you can let me know if you think it came across that way)

The message that I sent her last night was as follows (i'll remove her name as you never know when this forum could appear in Google search results

"Hey *********

How was your day?

I tried to call you last night but missed you.
The reason I was calling was to ask you out.

Last week you asked if you were barking up the wrong tree and I told you that you weren't.

The fact is that I really like you and would love to take you out and I am pretty confident that you already know this.

I'll ask you the same question that I you asked me

Am I the one barking up the wrong tree"

About 4 hours later I received the following reply

"Sorry I have just arrived home, yeah I don't know.

I honestly just don't want to start anything with anyone.
I am moving next year so there's no point and I'm so busy anyway

Sorry had lots to think about and just decided it is smarter to be somewhat selfish and only focus on what I am doing for once.

I'm sorry I shouldn't have asked you in the first place because now I've only disappointed you.

I am not much of a communicator but that's pretty much it"

I was grateful to get a response last night albeit not the one I had hoped for.

 

[OnlyMe]

Thank you to everyone that has replied since my last post and I appreciate you all taking the time to read my posts and give me your thoughts. So I will try and reply to all of you.

But for now I will post the latest update as part of my reply to Milly

First of all, congratulations on your weight loss and for having a cute girl show interest in you. That's great going and they're real, tangible things that you can use to build your confidence. Seriously, kudos for that.

Now I'm sorry if this next bit comes off as a little harsh but I'm genuinely trying to help and I don't think it'd do you any good to hear platitudes.

The one thing you don't want to come off as at the moment is needy. Look at this logically. She cancelled the date which is a bit crappy but you said yourself, she works 2 jobs - it doesn't seem too unreasonable to me that she's pushed for time and might possibly have been called into work. It happens and I know it's easy to think the worst but in this instance you should give her the benefit of the doubt.

Then you texted her and it turned out she'd replied quite soon after. That's good.

Not getting through to her isn't a problem of itself - people miss calls all the time, and they don't always phone back for all kinds of reasons - and I'm worried that you're now trying to force the issue by also texting her with some kind of ultimatum. It might not seem like that to you, but I'm pretty sure it will to her.

The reason people like to get together and spend time is because it's fun. She obviously likes you and thinks you're a good guy. But if you move from that in the space of a few days to texting, then phoning, then texting again to ask where you stand, you're moving way too fast. It's putting pressure on her when things should still be enjoyable and relaxed. To be horribly blunt, it's really not the thing you want to be doing.

I understand why you're doing it and believe me, I'm full of sympathy for you. This girl seems to be into you and I don't think it's fatal yet, but at the moment you're being your own worst enemy.

Good luck. I hope you get what you want. Like I say I'm sorry if this comes off as harsh but I don't think it's necessarily useful to tell you only what you want to hear.

Hi Milly,

Thank you so much for your reply, it was extremely useful and I certainly don't consider it harsh at all.

My reason for posting on here is to get the ideas and thoughts of others and everyone has been great.

Generally I don't think of myself as a needy person BUT I know that when it comes to women that I am interested in I definitely struggle to know how much contact (either phone / sms / e-mail) is the right amount and in the past I have no doubt that I have gone overboard and certainly could have given off that 'needy'

I genuinely understood why she had to cancel the date and while I was crushed I knew it was out of her control as I know she works a second job in the evenings. Unfortunately once the date was cancelled the fear of missing out / losing my chance with her seemed to kick in.

Two days ago we had a conversation at work in which she really opened up to me telling me about herself, her hobbies, her plans for the future. As I looked into her eyes it just seemed so right.

However her plans for the future involve moving to the UK sometime in 2013 to live with some of her relatives as she has had enough of living here in Australia. In being supportive I told her that she should do what is best for and that makes her happy.

I was surprised to this and I'll be honest when I say my first thought was

She said that was the start of her boring little story. I e-mailed a bit later at work telling her that it was far from boring and that I would love to hear the rest of it.

Later that night it wasn't the fact that she didn't answer or return my call - but when I saw her at work the next day she didn't even acknowledge I had called which gave me that horrible feeling that something wasn't right.

As a result I stayed away from her at work to try and give her space.

By last night though the stomach churning feeling and mental stress just got the better of me. I just felt that I wanted to let her know what I was thinking and try and find out where I stand. I didn't want it to be an ultimatium (you can let me know if you think it came across that way)

The message that I sent her last night was as follows (i'll remove her name as you never know when this forum could appear in Google search results

"Hey *********

How was your day?

I tried to call you last night but missed you.
The reason I was calling was to ask you out.

Last week you asked if you were barking up the wrong tree and I told you that you weren't.

The fact is that I really like you and would love to take you out and I am pretty confident that you already know this.

I'll ask you the same question that I you asked me

Am I the one barking up the wrong tree"

About 4 hours later I received the following reply

"Sorry I have just arrived home, yeah I don't know.

I honestly just don't want to start anything with anyone.
I am moving next year so there's no point and I'm so busy anyway

Sorry had lots to think about and just decided it is smarter to be somewhat selfish and only focus on what I am doing for once.

I'm sorry I shouldn't have asked you in the first place because now I've only disappointed you.

I am not much of a communicator but that's pretty much it"

I was grateful to get a response last night albeit not the one I had hoped for.

Messaged her back telling her that I appreciated her sending me the reply and for her honesty and that I am obviously 'disappointed' as I think she's a great catch. Also reminded her how I had told her only a couple of days earlier that she should do what is best for her and makes her happy.

Also told her I was flattered that she had asked me and now that everything is in the open I would like to remain on friendly terms with her.

I did also ask her to be honest and tell me if there was something I had done to change her mind - she said no, it was just that she shouldn't have asked me in the first place.

So the burning question for me is that considering the plans to move overseas I would really love to know what her original intentions were in asking me in the first place.....maybe she only wanted a casual relationship?

At work today we saw each other in the car park and spoke. Told her that everything was ok and that I didn't want any awkwardness between us. She smiled and agreed I then put my arm around her and gave her a friendly kiss on the cheek. She smiled and things were fine between us during the rest of the day.

The truth is that I am really hurting inside as I really wanted this to work and the genuine feelings I have for her wont just go away overnight.
I genuinely don't hold any hard feelings towards her but at the moment I truly wish that she had never asked me.

I know there are positives I can and will take out of this, but at the moment it's just hard knowing that the end result is what it is.

---

While I'm a little younger, a lot of your situation echoes mine, actually. I also used to be overweight and now I'm not, but still lack the confidence. Similarly inexperienced with girls and find many give really confusing flirty signals that don't clearly lead to any particular consensus on me.

I truly felt crushed and devastated as I can't remember the last time that I was looking forward to something this much. To be honest, I genuinely felt like crying because of how much emotional energy I had invested into it.

I can really empathise with this feeling. Recently I had a girl I'd known ages tell me she wanted to hang out with me (even to the point of saying "yes" enthusiastically when I asked her), only for her to suddenly not seem bothered about it a couple of days later.

That was a big deal to me, since I became emotionally involved purely on that original response quickly. I felt so bad I could scarcely concentrate on my work that evening.

I'm now learning that this is what you mustn't do. I don't know what your lady is thinking here, but just take things as they come.

Adopt a laid back stance on this. If she's mailing you like she did, she clearly has some interest in you. Whether as a friend or otherwise is uncertain. What you need to do is be casual about her not being able to make it, rather than seeing it as a critical blow to your happiness/self-image.

Since the lady in question in my scenario kind of lead me down a dead-end, I've just cooled off with her, got speaking to other girls who are less cryptic towards me...and she already seems more interested in being friendly with me again.

I think if you're just friendly to everyone you know like that without faltering it sends the message that you're available to other women too, and she'll perhaps consider that more carefully before she next cancels on you for whatever reason.

Hi TheSolitaryMan,

Thank you for your post and advice.

It's obviously never nice when I hear that someone is in a similar situation to mine but there is some comfort in knowing there is someone who understands (if you know what I mean).

Like yourself it has certainly affected my work and pretty much everything else.

You are right and I know deep down that it's never a good idea to get too carried away emotionally as the inevitable fall is so great......unfortunately I seem to fail to put this knowledge into practice.

I think that the reason I got so excited was because of who the approach came from and that it came completely out of the blue after a pretty bleak 8 months in my life.

Hoepfully we can both have a change of luck when it comes to the ladies.

---

Why don't you talk to her and tell her what you have been through and what you feel. Be honest and be fearless. If she likes you seriously, she'd come to you and you guys can see the person inside each other. If not, forget her. Life is too short to waste on assumptions and presumptions in these matters. Keep your hope and keep looking. There is always someone who would love you the way you are.

Hi soulseeker

Thank you for the kind words.

It would be a dream come true to be able to bare my soul to a woman that I truly care about and have her become closer to me.

On a much smaller level I did end up telling her about my feelings for her which is something that I have always struggled to express to women generally due to fear of rejection.

Despite the final outcome of her calling things off, I feel a lot better for having told her how I feel.

To find someone that loves me for who I am would be the ultimate dream.

 

[OnlyMe]

you sound in the right mind set over this. You do have my sympathy, I am a woman myself but I hate women who lead me on in any capacity.

If nothing comes of it - don't hate her just remember what she did and that you deserve far better.

Thanks monkeysocks

I also hate people that play with other peoples emotions.

However I honestly don't hate this girl as I don't believe that she acted maliciously towards me which is probably why that overall my mindset is ok despite the fact I am hurting right now.

She seemed genuinely sorry when she cancelled the date and now knows of my true feelings for her and how the whole thing has left me feeling disappointed (her word).

Maybe she is just a bit mixed up like a lot of us.

 

[theraab]

So the burning question for me is that considering the plans to move overseas I would really love to know what her original intentions were in asking me in the first place.....maybe she only wanted a casual relationship?

I would say probably - given that you made your intentions known, and she wasn't interested in anything long term (yet she was initially interested in something short term) she was probably trying to spare you from a let down when she does move overseas. Hey, look on the bright side, there are worse things in the world than having a good-looking girl want to use you for sex.

You may have come on a little too strong - listen to what Milly said - and that might have been a turn off for her; but, hey, live and learn. When the next hot chick that wants to use you for sex asks herself over to your place, you'll play it a little more aloof (and if you really want to drive her crazy, mention how you have your eye on some other girl in the office).

 

[OnlyMe]

I would say probably - given that you made your intentions known, and she wasn't interested in anything long term (yet she was initially interested in something short term) she was probably trying to spare you from a let down when she does move overseas. Hey, look on the bright side, there are worse things in the world than having a good-looking girl want to use you for sex.

You may have come on a little too strong - listen to what Milly said - and that might have been a turn off for her; but, hey, live and learn. When the next hot chick that wants to use you for sex asks herself over to your place, you'll play it a little more aloof (and if you really want to drive her crazy, mention how you have your eye on some other girl in the office).

It's tough to say.

Although the more I think about it - the casual relationship may have been her intent and I certainly wouldn't have said no.
She did ask when I was going to invite her to my 'bachelor pad' (her description and yes that was the smiley she used)

I also wouldn't have known how to ask that as if it wasn't her intention it probably would have offended her so much that it certainly would have killed off any chance of a serious relationship (which is what I truly wanted)

Had her reply last night have been I don't want to start anything LONG TERM with anyone......it would have probably convinced me to send the follow up message asking about short term.

Even the thought that she was asking me for a no strings attached sexual relationship just blows my mind as I honestly find her to be one of the most attractive women I have ever seen.

Her face and in particular her eyes and smile just melt me