Lonelyfrench
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- Jun 6, 2012
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Hello,
Been browsing this board lately and finally i found people i can relate to in many ways.
So in order to organize my thoughts and let it off my chest, i'm gonna write my story here, thanks for reading (or not).
I'm a male, i'm 30. I've been living a lonely life for the past 20 years.
It all started the last year of elementary school, when i started wearing huge glasses. Overnight, i went from your random innocent kid participating in usual childish games to the rejected and ugly loner nobody will befriend. The first act started when the boys i was closest with, had their mothers meet up and arrange for them to be in the same class in senior school... no one contacted my mother, and no one asked me if i wanted to be part of it. I was already cast aside because i was "uncool".
During senior school girls quickly, cruelly and publicly (yes, they shamed me in front of the whole class) signified to me i was ugly and didn't interest them, and that i should pipe down and crawl back from where i came from (at the time, i was still trying to be cheerful and outgoing, because i didn't realize or understand my new condition yet). As far as guys go, when everyone usually starts hanging around, play guitar in the basement, discover porn, drugs and alcohol at parties, i was all by myself at home. I was the last selected person when teams were formed in sport classes. By the time i arrived to college, i became that random loner who hangs out with other ugly and geeky loners and nobody cares about anymore, even teachers. My time at home was mostly spent on video-games and science- fiction/fantasy books. I became a geeky nerd, as do all rejected guys. Except i wasn't enthusiastic about being that way, i just didn't have any choice but exploring virtual universes since the real one didn't want me.
In addition to this pathetic life, my father was depressed and angry at life, failing as a father figure and making life at home more of a hell. He died when i was 18, leaving me with no guide in life, a latent anger toward him (that i only recently laid to rest after a therapy).
My mother was a weak and immature person – she still is – who didn't have the wits to leave this hell and protect her children. Today, turning to her for comfort or councel is like asking a fish to fly. She is emotionnally dumb and has no wisdow one would expect from someone who lived a long life.
My sister is an angry-at-life sociologist who has been living a hipster life for the past 7 years, smoking weeds, going to "alternative" concert, being jobless and otherwise intolerant to everything that represent order. Talking to her inevitably ends up in a resentful argument about how everyone should think like her and how she despises western individualism (but bask in it most of the time).
Long story short, my whole family is wearing the scars of a sad family life, and is unable to provide support.
My time in university was spent playing MMO games every day and every night. Looking back, i probably could have turned everything around and start anew by focusing on studies and joigning social clubs, but i retreated in my shell, failed my studies and became alone in addition to being lonely.
Luckily i got a job as public servant and have been holding to it for the last 9 years. Even if i failed everything else, at least i had a roof and an income. All is not rosy however as i usually do not like the people i work with, and overall am unsatisfied with a job i never had any appeal for.
I never had sex nor kissed a girl before i was 23. The first time(s) were emotional disasters, as i was dumped in less than 3 weeks.
I had a 4 years LTR which ended bitterly for both (i was the dumped) less than a year ago; my insecurities made me unable to commit for more (children, buying a house...) so she left.
Even tho i got over it mostly (not waiting/wanting the person back), this has left a heavy emotional bagage; before this LTR, i thought i had life before me, that i'd find my soulmate, and eventually it happened. Now i'm older, and alone. Being alone is not a problem when you are young and attractive; however it does become a terrible burden when you feel that you might end up aging all alone because everyone around you settles down. Also, if i was ever to marry, i'd have no friend to invite... none. How could i do that to a woman? "hey look, you're marrying a lonely man with no one else in his life but you". Great...
I physically attract girls (i'm a physically attractive person with good looks and fit body, and a smile often attached to my face – less so recently), but they soon flee once they discover – or most of the time, guess, as they don't even grant me a first date - the ruins of my self-esteem and (a-)social life. I think my body language (sarcastic smile, can't "eyelock", and things i probably have no clue about) and caustic humor are an almost immediate turnoff for 99% of women out there. I probably look and sound sulky, bitter, and depressed. Which i am.
As for men, I never had a real friend, the kind to hang out and have fun with, go on fun holidays and share those special moments that build a friendship. I'm not part of any social group where i'd at least have superficial relationships with other guys. I do have acquaintances, but they are a handful and they are all having babies so, soon, i'll become just a fading memory to them.
In the last years i've started trying to turn things around to better my personnality:
started learning guitar, roller-skating, and i've been a salsa dancer for the last 6 years (which provided most of my scarce opportunities for socializing and sex). I'm also doing all i can to leave my public job and get an academic degree in accountability. I used to have a personnal hobby in reading History books; even tho it's completely useless when socializing, people do admire my knowledge when i get to flaunt it (like, once a year for 5 minutes).
But... even tho i've been trying to get better for the last year, people still flee me, they don't want to befriend, they don't want to hang out, girls don't want to date (some do want to fresia tho), guys don't want to go out even for running to the park with me... it feels like everything i do is not changing me, as if the 10 years i lost, all the time i wasted, the relationship i destroyed, were too heavy a burden for me to ever recover from.
Today, i feel that whatever i do, i'm too old to become a normal person. In order to attract the attention of grown up adults who spent the last 10 years building their social circles and career, and are currently settling down with babies, or looking for the "right" person (not me obviously) i'd need to be exceptionnal for them to notice me.
I'm making efforts to become normal, but more and more i feel it's too late, and i do not have what it takes to become the exceptionnal being who would drag me out my shithole.
I'm lost... maybe ending everything once and for all would do a service to this society who never wanted me in the first place. Maybe there are situations that you cannot recover from.
I'm tired of being who i am, i don't want to continue living alone and lonely with only myself.
Been browsing this board lately and finally i found people i can relate to in many ways.
So in order to organize my thoughts and let it off my chest, i'm gonna write my story here, thanks for reading (or not).
I'm a male, i'm 30. I've been living a lonely life for the past 20 years.
It all started the last year of elementary school, when i started wearing huge glasses. Overnight, i went from your random innocent kid participating in usual childish games to the rejected and ugly loner nobody will befriend. The first act started when the boys i was closest with, had their mothers meet up and arrange for them to be in the same class in senior school... no one contacted my mother, and no one asked me if i wanted to be part of it. I was already cast aside because i was "uncool".
During senior school girls quickly, cruelly and publicly (yes, they shamed me in front of the whole class) signified to me i was ugly and didn't interest them, and that i should pipe down and crawl back from where i came from (at the time, i was still trying to be cheerful and outgoing, because i didn't realize or understand my new condition yet). As far as guys go, when everyone usually starts hanging around, play guitar in the basement, discover porn, drugs and alcohol at parties, i was all by myself at home. I was the last selected person when teams were formed in sport classes. By the time i arrived to college, i became that random loner who hangs out with other ugly and geeky loners and nobody cares about anymore, even teachers. My time at home was mostly spent on video-games and science- fiction/fantasy books. I became a geeky nerd, as do all rejected guys. Except i wasn't enthusiastic about being that way, i just didn't have any choice but exploring virtual universes since the real one didn't want me.
In addition to this pathetic life, my father was depressed and angry at life, failing as a father figure and making life at home more of a hell. He died when i was 18, leaving me with no guide in life, a latent anger toward him (that i only recently laid to rest after a therapy).
My mother was a weak and immature person – she still is – who didn't have the wits to leave this hell and protect her children. Today, turning to her for comfort or councel is like asking a fish to fly. She is emotionnally dumb and has no wisdow one would expect from someone who lived a long life.
My sister is an angry-at-life sociologist who has been living a hipster life for the past 7 years, smoking weeds, going to "alternative" concert, being jobless and otherwise intolerant to everything that represent order. Talking to her inevitably ends up in a resentful argument about how everyone should think like her and how she despises western individualism (but bask in it most of the time).
Long story short, my whole family is wearing the scars of a sad family life, and is unable to provide support.
My time in university was spent playing MMO games every day and every night. Looking back, i probably could have turned everything around and start anew by focusing on studies and joigning social clubs, but i retreated in my shell, failed my studies and became alone in addition to being lonely.
Luckily i got a job as public servant and have been holding to it for the last 9 years. Even if i failed everything else, at least i had a roof and an income. All is not rosy however as i usually do not like the people i work with, and overall am unsatisfied with a job i never had any appeal for.
I never had sex nor kissed a girl before i was 23. The first time(s) were emotional disasters, as i was dumped in less than 3 weeks.
I had a 4 years LTR which ended bitterly for both (i was the dumped) less than a year ago; my insecurities made me unable to commit for more (children, buying a house...) so she left.
Even tho i got over it mostly (not waiting/wanting the person back), this has left a heavy emotional bagage; before this LTR, i thought i had life before me, that i'd find my soulmate, and eventually it happened. Now i'm older, and alone. Being alone is not a problem when you are young and attractive; however it does become a terrible burden when you feel that you might end up aging all alone because everyone around you settles down. Also, if i was ever to marry, i'd have no friend to invite... none. How could i do that to a woman? "hey look, you're marrying a lonely man with no one else in his life but you". Great...
I physically attract girls (i'm a physically attractive person with good looks and fit body, and a smile often attached to my face – less so recently), but they soon flee once they discover – or most of the time, guess, as they don't even grant me a first date - the ruins of my self-esteem and (a-)social life. I think my body language (sarcastic smile, can't "eyelock", and things i probably have no clue about) and caustic humor are an almost immediate turnoff for 99% of women out there. I probably look and sound sulky, bitter, and depressed. Which i am.
As for men, I never had a real friend, the kind to hang out and have fun with, go on fun holidays and share those special moments that build a friendship. I'm not part of any social group where i'd at least have superficial relationships with other guys. I do have acquaintances, but they are a handful and they are all having babies so, soon, i'll become just a fading memory to them.
In the last years i've started trying to turn things around to better my personnality:
started learning guitar, roller-skating, and i've been a salsa dancer for the last 6 years (which provided most of my scarce opportunities for socializing and sex). I'm also doing all i can to leave my public job and get an academic degree in accountability. I used to have a personnal hobby in reading History books; even tho it's completely useless when socializing, people do admire my knowledge when i get to flaunt it (like, once a year for 5 minutes).
But... even tho i've been trying to get better for the last year, people still flee me, they don't want to befriend, they don't want to hang out, girls don't want to date (some do want to fresia tho), guys don't want to go out even for running to the park with me... it feels like everything i do is not changing me, as if the 10 years i lost, all the time i wasted, the relationship i destroyed, were too heavy a burden for me to ever recover from.
Today, i feel that whatever i do, i'm too old to become a normal person. In order to attract the attention of grown up adults who spent the last 10 years building their social circles and career, and are currently settling down with babies, or looking for the "right" person (not me obviously) i'd need to be exceptionnal for them to notice me.
I'm making efforts to become normal, but more and more i feel it's too late, and i do not have what it takes to become the exceptionnal being who would drag me out my shithole.
I'm lost... maybe ending everything once and for all would do a service to this society who never wanted me in the first place. Maybe there are situations that you cannot recover from.
I'm tired of being who i am, i don't want to continue living alone and lonely with only myself.
