Paranoid Android
Member
Before I go into what happened today, let me just give you a quick rundown of what has broken me.
-I was bullied all through middle school
-The three main bullies followed me to high school
-Had a mental breakdown freshman year and developed DPD
-Mental breakdown was also an existential crisis, so there goes my religion
-Two of the bullies backed down, leaving only one who still torments me infrequently
-After years of mental and physical abuse, I have become a spineless, self-loathing shadow of a man
-As an example of how low my esteem is, I was scared to post about myself when I first created this account because I thought I would become a burden on everyone.
Right, onto today. I was in my 7th period history class when I noticed that the bully had chosen to sit right next to me. Thinking nothing of it, I doodled in my notebook until class began. My teacher begins talking about a potential Europe trip, and soon the room is loud with everyone talking. After a few minutes, the bully calls my name. I look over, and he blows a kiss at me and says "Gotcha".
That was it, nothing more. I turned away, and suddenly my mind just blows up. I was having a panic attack. And over such a trivial act, as well. I was so embarrassed, and I tried very hard to contain myself. By sheer luck, my teacher finished with trip discussion and started up a video. I was so glad that nobody looked over at me while I sat frozen in my seat, glazed over and fighting back tears.
When the bell rang, I quickly walked over to a quiet space and listened to some music, still trying to trap the emotions. I went to talk to the school counselor about this, and she said that she would take care of it.
After all of this, I still feel ashamed that I let myself break because someone blew a fake kiss at me. Its just so trivial and stupid, and it should never have affected me! I just feel terrible...
-I was bullied all through middle school
-The three main bullies followed me to high school
-Had a mental breakdown freshman year and developed DPD
-Mental breakdown was also an existential crisis, so there goes my religion
-Two of the bullies backed down, leaving only one who still torments me infrequently
-After years of mental and physical abuse, I have become a spineless, self-loathing shadow of a man
-As an example of how low my esteem is, I was scared to post about myself when I first created this account because I thought I would become a burden on everyone.
Right, onto today. I was in my 7th period history class when I noticed that the bully had chosen to sit right next to me. Thinking nothing of it, I doodled in my notebook until class began. My teacher begins talking about a potential Europe trip, and soon the room is loud with everyone talking. After a few minutes, the bully calls my name. I look over, and he blows a kiss at me and says "Gotcha".
That was it, nothing more. I turned away, and suddenly my mind just blows up. I was having a panic attack. And over such a trivial act, as well. I was so embarrassed, and I tried very hard to contain myself. By sheer luck, my teacher finished with trip discussion and started up a video. I was so glad that nobody looked over at me while I sat frozen in my seat, glazed over and fighting back tears.
When the bell rang, I quickly walked over to a quiet space and listened to some music, still trying to trap the emotions. I went to talk to the school counselor about this, and she said that she would take care of it.
After all of this, I still feel ashamed that I let myself break because someone blew a fake kiss at me. Its just so trivial and stupid, and it should never have affected me! I just feel terrible...