My self esteem has hit an all-time low

[Paranoid Android]

Before I go into what happened today, let me just give you a quick rundown of what has broken me.
-I was bullied all through middle school
-The three main bullies followed me to high school
-Had a mental breakdown freshman year and developed DPD
-Mental breakdown was also an existential crisis, so there goes my religion
-Two of the bullies backed down, leaving only one who still torments me infrequently
-After years of mental and physical abuse, I have become a spineless, self-loathing shadow of a man
-As an example of how low my esteem is, I was scared to post about myself when I first created this account because I thought I would become a burden on everyone.

Right, onto today. I was in my 7th period history class when I noticed that the bully had chosen to sit right next to me. Thinking nothing of it, I doodled in my notebook until class began. My teacher begins talking about a potential Europe trip, and soon the room is loud with everyone talking. After a few minutes, the bully calls my name. I look over, and he blows a kiss at me and says "Gotcha".

That was it, nothing more. I turned away, and suddenly my mind just blows up. I was having a panic attack. And over such a trivial act, as well. I was so embarrassed, and I tried very hard to contain myself. By sheer luck, my teacher finished with trip discussion and started up a video. I was so glad that nobody looked over at me while I sat frozen in my seat, glazed over and fighting back tears.

When the bell rang, I quickly walked over to a quiet space and listened to some music, still trying to trap the emotions. I went to talk to the school counselor about this, and she said that she would take care of it.

After all of this, I still feel ashamed that I let myself break because someone blew a fake kiss at me. Its just so trivial and stupid, and it should never have affected me! I just feel terrible...

 

[Ak5]

You can't let one person dictate how you feel. Screw him! What he did was very immature; you know that you're better.

I'm not saying that being stoic will help, but you have to do your best to ignore these types of things.

 

[Montreal Skye]

I understand that fear, I was bullied when I was a kid. It's the power they hold over you, and your fear that they will harm you physically again. Going to your counselor was a good step. Just remember, he's looking for your reaction. You did good not breaking down in class because that's what he wanted. I hope you find peace soon. But always talk to someone about it, someone who can try to help you, your teacher, parents, and the people here.

 

[Sci-Fi]

You're amoung kindred spirits here, many of us have gone through similar situations so don't be afraid to open up. With that bully in class think of it this way, he's the one who blew you the kiss, he was hitting on you, so what does that make him? Assuming this bully is straight (i use that term loosely here), what straight guy blows another guy a kiss and says gotcha. Makes you wonder if he's hiding something.

Welcome to the forum, btw.

 

[Gutted]

Sorry to hear of your anguish D: What an ass. I wish I could be there to help. I hope this bully gets what he deserves D=< Welcome to ALL <3

 

[IgnoredOne]

Beating the crap out of him might help.

 

[Limlim]

Life sure is different in highschool. In the field the gay comes out immediately. we slap each other on the ass and make incredibly gay comments as a way of saying hello. also we grew mustaches and do pelvic thrusts slowly to 80s pop music while talking with Swedish accents.

my point is things that embarrass you in highschool end up being funny later on in life. next time he blows you a kiss, I suggest moaning loudly while rubbing your nipples.

 

[Paranoid Android]

Thanks everyone for the support! I talked with my school counselor, and she has taken care of the bully, so hopefully everything should be good now. If it isn't, I can always just talk to her about it.

 

[Veilside05]

Hope you are feeling better. My mum always told me I would come home crying every time I was bullied in school. Some how I cant recalled what happened but I guessed crying does helps release the emotional pain.

 

[Sarah_Lbnz]

After a few minutes, the bully calls my name. I look over, and he blows a kiss at me and says "Gotcha".

.....

After all of this, I still feel ashamed that I let myself break because someone blew a fake kiss at me. Its just so trivial and stupid, and it should never have affected me! I just feel terrible...

Oh gross, that reminds me of this dork when I was in grade 9...

Sure, it was trivial, and stupid, but not to you at that time. It hurt you because you know it's not genuine and comes from a place of mockery, and he's trying to get power over you. When he blows kisses at you, doesn't it feel like his actions are saying, "I can do this to you, and you can't do anything back to me." ?

People can say "don't let him get to you", but he did. And now you have to make changes in yourself so that he can't get to you.

This might sound like a weird idea, but have you thought of talking to him? The guy that I'm thinking of, when I actually spoke to him, or responded to his questions seriously, seemed weirded out, and I realized he actually didn't know how to talk to girls. A lot of these people, when they act like that, make conversation very difficult - it's like they're also protecting themselves. You're dealing with someone else who has low self-esteem, even lower than yours.

Everytime I see a bully confronted, I realize they don't know how to really talk to people. They either blow up and get really loud and aggressive, or try mock you, or smile and pretend like nothing is the matter, or they just ignore you.

Is there something else in your life that is making you feel helpless? Do you feel like your parents or friends listen to you?

Another thing that helped me: if you can, try getting in touch with your anger. Take some pillows, pretend it's your bullies and just beat the crap out of them.

 

[IgnoredOne]

Personal story:

Someone did exactly that 'kiss' and mouthed 'I love you' to me once, and I just walked up to his face and told him to come outside with me(suggesting a fight). When he began to back down, I grabbed everything on his desk, threw it to the floor, and took his food; mouthed '******* coward', too.

The others kinda stared but did nothing.

For better or worse, it worked. He never caused me trouble again.

 

[WallflowerGirl83]

Omg.. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I'm glad you're talking to someone about it though. This is very traumatic for anyone to go through. I've been bullied my whole life and suffer horrible panic attacks from verbal abuse by my ex boyfriend. Were not together anymore but I still get them quite often.

Just want you to know that your not alone.

 

[LookInToTheAbyss]

I wasn't bullied constantly like this in high school. But once at a party some drunk guy in my year (towards the final years of high school) picked a fight with me. Nothing physical happened, but he won the verbal fight (along with the recognition of the people at the party). He carried his win throughout the week being snide and disrespectful.

To this day I still wish I punched his face. I think it would have made me now, in the present, feel that little bit better. I think I can never let down is letting him get away with it. You should bash that bully. Go to your local gym and start learning boxing for a couple of months. Don't tell anyone.

Seeing as you've already told your councillor, it should be on record that you're affected by the bully's actions. Since the bully is the instigator and you the victim it shouldn't be too hard to smash him and get away with it.

 

[Peaches]

sounds like you suffer from post traumatic stress, except from the fact that you still have those jerks around you. What about a course of martial arts? It sounds like a joke, but maybe it helps. I was bullied later in secondary school so my self esteem wasn't that much affected, (OK, not true, it was, immensely), but still when I was getting bullied I wanted to kill all of them, instead of just feeling bad about myself, and so many times I wished I had done a course of kung fu or something. You must have a lot of rage that can be channeled into healthy, proactive destruction. All right, destruction is never the solution, but you see what I mean, rage is good, rage is your strength, is your soul that is saying to yourself: I am worth it, why don't you stand up for me? and you can, with some training.

I am sorry for your situation, still, blowing kisses only means that the guy is an idiot (or that he is making a pass, but maybe not). How long to the end of high school?

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this.

I have dealt with bullies, all the way into my adult life. It started off with me being bullied over the type of music I was listening to (prog rock...this was back in the 90's when grunge was popular.) Then it turned personal over my appearance, and I developed BDD. I am turning 30 on Halloween, and I am just now getting over my insecurity over how I look; my 20's was a mess of me thinking I was ugly and a monster.

I agree with the martial arts. Also, try yoga; it is a great reliever of anxiety. I wouldn't suggest beating up the bullies, but sometimes that is the only thing that gets them to stop harassing you...I know that for sure.

Have you tried talking to your teachers and parents, and telling them about the bullying? That might help.

 

[Loser#1]

I second that. Talk to him. Just Ask him nicely to stop, he may appreciate that. I'd go the direct route

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

You know, when I was bullied I went to the authority at the school. Laughably, they told me to go to the bullies themselves and talk to them (didn't go well!) Then I went to my parents for help.

When that didn't stop it, I got so fed up that I started hitting them. And straight away, that was the end of it.

Not that I'm advocating violence directly, but if someone is making your life a living Hell day after day, year after year and no one is helping you, sometimes they deserve a bit of that back.

Most bullies fold like a pack of cards the minute they're exposed to a bit of what they dish out so happily, all you need to do is give them a sufficient scare and they'll soon learn that you're not to be messed with.

 

[el Jay]

You know, when I was bullied I went to the authority at the school. Laughably, they told me to go to the bullies themselves and talk to them (didn't go well!) Then I went to my parents for help.

When that didn't stop it, I got so fed up that I started hitting them. And straight away, that was the end of it.

Not that I'm advocating violence directly, but if someone is making your life a living Hell day after day, year after year and no one is helping you, sometimes they deserve a bit of that back.

Most bullies fold like a pack of cards the minute they're exposed to a bit of what they dish out so happily, all you need to do is give them a sufficient scare and they'll soon learn that you're not to be messed with.

This. When it comes to bullies in school, physical violence IS a completely valid solution to the problem if the faculty and administrators at the school are not willing to help. This is true even if the bullies are purely verbal/visual in nature and do not escalate it to physical action themselves.

Any consequences you'll face (assuming you're under 18) are inconsequential next to the pride you'll feel that you stood up for yourself.


Still, I'm glad the counselor apparently can help you with the bully issue. I never had such luck, and physical action was ultimately my only recourse. I sincerely hope you won't need to turn to such measures, but at least you can know it's always there. If this counselor is able to actually stop the bully or at least put reins on him, then you'll hopefully be okay.

 

[Lilianna]

When my sister was still in school, some jealous girl was mercilessly bullying her. She got to a point were she was done with the abuse and punched the girl in the face. The bullying stopped.

 

[Chikid]

The kid that bullied me is now dating the girl I really liked.

Really sucks but if she is willing to date a guy like that I'm glad I'm not