My Story :/, how do I hang on?

[OneLonelyRussian]

Hi there!

I came across this site looking through other peoples experiences and their own stories with loneliness and depression, i can just relate to so much..

But I'd like to tell my story, and would like some feedback from you all.

I came to New Zealand with my family when i was only 4 years old from Russia, I am currently 17 and turning 18 next month. I've been here pretty much my whole life.
My personal experience hasn't been so good, i was born 3 months premature and was born very small when i was a baby, living in a incubator for 2 months. I had problems with daily normal functions which most toddlers would of learnt by then, such as breathing,eating even trying to go the toilet. My mother had to help me these things. Soon by then i was in normal shape and form.

I remember when i was 4, always begging my parents if i could go to school, and i remember vividly my first day of school. No one wanted to be my friend, but i got along with some people, it didn't seem so bad, i had a problem all my life with being bullied, i had a very deep awkward voice when i was younger, which everyone would think of me as being some handicap or retard :/.

I was consistantly bullied during my primary/elementary years of high school, everyone thought i was weird, i had anger issues when people bullied me.

And i remember having the same issues when i reached my intermediate/junior high, years of school i was picked even worse, all the girls called me a retard and thought i was ugly and weird, all the boys didn't want to be my friend cause they thought i was annoying and just different, i became passive throughout those years because i couldn't of get into anymore fights and i had no way of resolving this problem, the deputy principal threatened to kick me out of the school and i was scared.

I always had the odd one good friend though, someone who actually looked at you at a good way and treated you well for who you were not for what you are.

I tried to make friends but it was hard, it seems the first impressions i gave to people were good, they treated me well but then after a while they would ditch me and say they dont want to be my friend anymore for no reason.

My years in high school were worse, especially my last year, i was considered to be socially awkward, i was pretty much a big loser, the biggest loser you can think of, i was a failure , i never strived to focus on my school work cause i had no motivation, no one wanted to talk to me, or to be my friend, i was picked on constantly everyday, people would try mimic my voice, would call me big nose, or call me retard, handicap.

As soon as i reached my last few years of high school those bullies stopped making fun of me and treated me well, but then i had someone who i considered a friend who used me, abused me, who humilated me in every way as possible, and i didn't suspect it one bit, he made videos of me and posted it on youtube, showed the whole school, the content in those videos made me look like the biggest loser ever,as if i was some guy who masturbated 24 times a day, who has no friends, no girlfriend, socially awkward and weird. That took the biggest stump on me, i felt like nobody, actually pretty much my whole life i met a bunch of sick people.


continuing.....


But i still feel like theres a lot pieces missing, I've went through so much crap throughout my life i don't even seem to think i can write it all up in this post, theres just too much to mention...

I have a few good friends only a couple and I'm still good friends with them today, i have a part time job, i started tech this year to study my diploma and then my bachelor degree next year, I'm doing computer information and systems technology, this is far as it gets in terms of me being happy for myself.

For one thing, as I've mentioned what i have got, I'm still not very happy with myself, I feel very lonely, I've always been a failure my whole life, throughout my school years i never paid attention to my school work, i only tried for what was easy, i blame it on bullying and myself for turning me into the loser i feel now today, i hate who i am and i want to change.

I've never had a girlfriend my whole entire life, i only had female friends on my first year of high school but that all changed when i was a target, i feel very lonely.. , I've tried to find that right person, but it never worked, i went after the wrong girls during my last year of high school, and i realized i was being clingy and needy, i tried too hard . So i gave up.. because it made me depressed when i felt rejected...

One of my friends keeps offering me to find a girl for me, but i declined because i don't want because of my insecurity with myself, even though I'd like a girlfriend, i feel as i won't ever be good enough for any girl and that they don't deserve me when there are other better guys out there, I mean whats so good about me? I'm not fun to be with, I'm boring, even though I try my best to impress, any girl is just going to look for a guy who can show her adventure :/, at least most attractive girls look for that, and also i admit i am shallow so why should I deserve any girl with that attitude.

I don't have my drivers license cause I'm lazy, and I've always been lazy and thats what i hate, everyones driving cars and I'm having to walk and catch the bus.. I can't get anywhere..

I always procrastinate with my homework or study, I have many addictions, I have a computer and gaming addiction, I have a porn addiction, i look at it everyday and now i realize how guilty i feel looking at it.. I mean what girl is going to find that attractive? jeez... , of course she will think I am some loser..

I've been going to the gym for 6 months but its been no help, I'm very skinny and have a extreme fast metabolism, I'm 58kg/119lb and 5"10 and
I'm starting to have self esteem issues.

My parents are also divorced and i try to get along with my dad, hes also changed and doesn't seem to pay any money for child support, hes rich and he thinks i should pay everything by myself, and his girlfriend is half his age :/, he doesn't stick to his promises, and i feel as if I'm not so important in his life either.

I live with my mother and 2 sisters. I always tend to fight and argue with my mother and older sister, and half the time i don't seem to get along.
At my workplace i get along with everyone, I'm different , i can talk to everyone but still...

I feel like i fit no where, no one wants to be with me, no one wants to ever include me in anything, when it comes to girls I'm extremely shy to introduce myself, I'm insecure and very nervous about it,I open up once i get talking to people.

My current situation doesn't help me keep motivated with anything..

So how do i fix myself? I don't want to be this loser anymore, I'm sick of this lifestyle.. i just want to be different for the better, i try to keep motivated when i set goals but I end up giving up,[/u]I'm very bored with my current lifestyle..

I have so much to write down, but i don't know how to mention all of it in one post, I'm sorry this is a bit messy, but i'd like some help..

 

[h i]

119 at 5' 10 is very unhealthy. you minimum weight should be 140.
http://www.healthchecksystems.com/heightweightchart.htm
5' 10" small: 144 - 154 . medium: 151 - 163 . large: 158 - 180

do a BMI and LBM.
BMI you should be around 18 - 21
then do a LBM and make sure the BMI result matches the LBM projected BMI for you.
if your LBM is 121 you can do 121g (grams) of protein a day.

Body Mass Index: 21.0 kg/m2
Waist-to-Height ratio: 0.45
Percent Body Fat: 18.9%
Lean Body Mass: 121.7 lb

Your weight is in the normal range.
You do not need to lose weight.
Minimum caloric requirements: 2309 Calories per day
Your diet should contain at least 89 grams of protein per day.

avoid sugars, to get calories... like high fructose corn syrup in soft drinks. I use to drink vault to give me energy and get calories since i dont eat much to get calories... but i took in to many sugars lol. i mix my protein shakes with cereal like cheerios. its like frosting, but better, cause its not all sugar... makes for a good snack.

http://www.healthchecksystems.com/bmi.asp (primary)

and

http://www.scientificpsychic.com/fitness/diet.html (second opinion)

EDIT: Im 5' 11 so your BMI should be 19.

 

[OneLonelyRussian]

Its not my fault though, i have a extremely fast metabolism, i eat a lot! but i don't gain any weight at all..

 

[yesm]

Hey lonely russian. I don't normally respond to people or try to give advice. My basic atitude here lately has been one of apathy to other people's situations.

Your position strikes me as unique for several reasons.

One reason would be that many people who have been socially abused often do not adjust well. It takes a toll on them and there is often some cataclysmic event that triggers a very large reprimand. In reading what you had to say despite the difficulties of your life, you still seem to be rather intact, as in physically and mentally.

Basically, from what I gather you are in good health and of sound mind. Being depressed is one thing, but you must consider one thing in your thoughts for me... At least you can be sad, I can definately say that not being able to control one's mind and it's consequent actions can be alot worse then any depressed mind can contemplate. So things are tough, you don't feel good about that, but you can rationalize and are ready to reciprocate with input.

I wouldn't know to well how to explain my current situation, however I can say with a bit of clarity, that I look back and see pains, troubles and hard times... as blessings

I look back to times when i was so sad, depressed, and constantly thinking about killing myself... i look back on many of those times with a fondness, that i was fortunate enough to even feel and live at all at those times.

I've lost touch with reality, felt reality wasn't real, seen things and done things i don't even care to recall and been in places of my mind where reality didn't even exist. True horrors and great pains can create a numbness, but often can lead to an unexciting healthy appreciation for having a mind sound enough to just sit around and be depressed.

So with respect to all things considered I would say you sound like your "surviving" very well despite your expierences. I say surviving in the most literal meaning as in being alive and healthy.

So in saying so I will also say. Maybe you will be alone for a very long time. Maybe things Won't ever REALLY get better, but you'll get by...

If you can just "get by" my friend... you are riding the same boat as way more people you could possibly imagine.

Anyway, I'm done being preachy, but I just simply, compliment you. Sounds like you've fought through alot and lived to tell about it, figuratively and litterally speaking.

As for positive input (something I'm not good at heh sorry)... All I can say is, you don't fuckin' know. You just don't. Life can pull a complete 180 at any moment things can get better and the more able and receptive you are to being aware of the fact and respectful of it, the better your odds and chances are at gaining what you seek.

My only goal right now in life is to acheive independence. I want to be in a place where i can have the liberty to feel like honeysuckle and not be able to do a **** thing about it, but have my own couch to sit on and a tv with cable to watch while it's happening, lol.

So I'm basically saying... Do things to ensure that you will have the liberty to feel the way you do now 20 years from now. There is always something we can do to change a depression and plenty of time to be too depressed to do anything to make a difference. But you definately can't enjoy being depressed in prison, homeless, starving, insane, or so burried by lost chances that you stop being able to function on the same level as the people around you.

Anyway, welcome to ALL, I see your coming here as just 1 of many possible positive changes in your life that are possibly waiting to be explored... This site has definately helped me alot in filling my time with something better to do then be bored and lonely. Lately i haven't been on as much which is probably a sign things are at least equal or if not better then when things were when i came here... so hang in there, stick around, meet people, make the change and accept what ya can't yaddayadda...

Also, if you haven't already might want to check out the ALL chat room at chat.alonelylife.com thas where i started spending most of my time lately, it's nice just to be able to talk with folks. -take care bud.

 

[Leopard]

I don't get the impression that you were looking for food and health advice, Russian...that seems the least of your concerns, eating more isn't going to help your loneliness problem.

How do you hang on? You just....do. Time moves inexorably on. You are so, so young. Your life has barely begun, and soon you will move into yourself and know yourself, what you want, who you are, in a way you simply can't now. It's hard for people to hear that, I know. Everyone, including me, wants to think they're wise, that they know themselves and the direction they're taking, and that no one else can understand what they're experiencing. In a sense, that IS true, each life is different. But human learning is a constant process and a slow process, and time will do much. The trials of childhood, while forming your tendencies, will not dictate your life unless you allow them to. At age 35, I scarcely remember a single thought I had at 18. Certainly I wasn't...me at that time. This is not to say, Russian, that your pain and your emptiness isn't real and hard and awful. It is. But it WILL pass. And this awkwardness with fitting in will pass too; being slightly apart from the madding crowds will only improve you. Being the average man in today's society isn't exactly something you should aspire to. Indeed, it's too late anyway, you're already above average-- being obviously intelligent and frankly, pretty **** articulate.

That in itself can be a curse, though. Smart people tend to be doomed to dissatisfaction because they see the endless possibilities for themselves in the world; so many that it can be overwhelming, even stifling. So they do nothing. You procrastinate because you are not challenged. You are bored. Again, common with high intelligence. Find a passion (one that has nothing to do with an x-box) and culture it within you. Make it yours. Yep, that sounds preachy and flowery and utterly unrealistic. But it isn't. If you make the enormous mistake that so many have made, ie, knowing what moves you, knowing your passion, then betraying it for that easy job, the easy money, the lazy lifestyle, you will regret it. I did. And I spend every day regretting it still.

Women. Again, difficult when you're smart. Only morons who are too dumb to recognize their deficiencies swagger around and act irresistable to women. And the women who fall for that inflated ego aren't worth much either. No, worthy women AREN'T looking for a guy that can "show her adventure." That's a fallacy you sucked in by watching too many crappy adventure movies. Women, young and old, want to be treated as though they're important, that their opinions matter to you, that you feel, feel deeply, and aren't afraid to feel. Women want you to be you, but focus entirely on them. Trust on this one, it's the key to every woman's heart.
By all means, if you want a useless, cupcake barbie doll to mess around with, go ahead and let your friend set you up (unfortunately, that's the ideal you're setting for yourself by using porn as your image of perfection: hot, with no brain.) But if you want a real and meaningful relationship, you have to step outside your boundaries, and perhaps even your peers.

As for porn, I personally think it's pretty harmless at this point. Yes, as a woman, I find it totally unattractive, so keep your mouth shut about it when talking to girls. (AND the guys you're hanging around that also might talk to said girls. ) Computer games: also highly unattractive. I wouldn't mention that you spend your spare time thusly.

And keep writing, you're good at it.

 

[Badjedidude]

Just for the record: Computer games aren't "highly unattractive." I know plenty of women who like games or at the least don't mind if their guys play them.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Life on life's term's can be a son of a *****.
As bad as I think I have it...I'm not the only one.
And as bad as life may have been for me....There's people that lived through a lot worst...a lot worst.
Life is unfair as fresia sometimes...but life sure to fresia didn't singled me out of it's unfairness.

Ok...now that we got the fucken self pity stuff out of the way.
Please don't take it the wrong way...I don't really want to write a book about how messed up my life had been.
I'm not denying your challenges, pains or truth.
I can relate to you in so many ways. I mean who are ya...some distant cousin of mine or what?
Just one fucken example...do you know what it feels like to be the only asain kid in school with a bounch of white kids while growning up?
I heard all of it...all the fucken hatered. I can't change the fucken colure of my fucken skin...
On top of that.... my father left my mother and my sisters for dead.
Then i married someone i love very much....stairing all of that fucken hatered in the fucken eyes and the barrel of a .38 speacail.
She was love and hope to me in all of that sea of hatered. A beautiful rose in fucken hell.
Fucken anyone and everything took her away from me. It was all fucken retarded...

So there you go....I did the self pity honeysuckle for a while and it just made things worst for me.

Love yourself first and formost. fresia what everyone thinks.
You'll never be good enough to them and you can't please everyone...so fresia them all anywho. So you might as will live your life as you see fit.
Screw fucken guilt. If everything else fails...just fucken pray a lot. It couldn't hurt. Keep a positive attitute. Take positive actions.
Have an attitude of gratitute. Don't play the victim. Keep a sense of humor...fresia it. It feels like it's all a fucken joke sometimes...so you might as will laugh
and not take everything too god **** serious.

I must have thick skin or some honeysuckle...IDK
Thanks a lot god..fucken dick head. It all a fucken joke to you. I just know it....
Geezzz fucken whizzzz..i ma go to hell? As if my life had been a walk in park or in some magical kingdom or some honeysuckle. It's been a living hell..man, incase you're not listening...God.
You have your reasons and there's a reason for everything? May I ask fucken WHY????

 

[OneLonelyRussian]

I appreciate everyones feedback so far, as far as i can be honest, i am doing alright.. but i still have those moments every now and then when i feel empty, lonely, depressed,worthless.. its just that i don't really know where my future is going to be heading, i fear of being single my whole life, i hate being single to be honest, but i also hate who i am.

I mean i wished i could change all those things that happened to me in the past but i just can't :/, i don't have any interests besides gaming,hanging with friends,shopping and hitting the gym, and thats about it.

I can see why gaming and porn are unattractive, my mother tells me to quit off gaming, but i can't, my computer is my only social aspect in getting to meet new people and having social conversation, I've made 2 new friends at my tech. No one ever invites me to any party, no social gathering at all, like i said i have no female friends which makes it difficult for me. What hurts the most is seeing others in relationships or when i see my friends with their girlfriends, i get bitter and jealous even though i shouldn't be, so i tend to blame myself and feel let down.

I've deleted my porn, and always have come back cause i have sexual urges, i know its more dominantly common among the male folk, and i know i wouldn't like to be looked upon as some pervert :/

Besides me studying,working, going to the gym... i feel just lonely and depressed , i just always feel like i'm left out, I've only been to two parties in my life :/. I'm insecure, because the things people have said to me in the past still haunt me to this very day, i know I'm not very physically attractive but I'm not ugly either.. , i just always ponder why do i feel like an outcast? why can't i fit with anyone?

I always try to be nice, friendly to everyone, but the things i see in myself lacking of is confidence, positiveness and determination, even though i tell myself to be positive it gets me no where.

I'm an agnostic so I'm not religious, but i believe in fate and destiny and i don't want to end up having a bad one :/

I've set up a long term goal, i want to do a holiday work visa in canada once i graduate, but it'll seem impossible because of the recession and the economical situation :/

Pretty much all i can sum up is i don't feel like i fit anywhere at all, I'm always the person who's standing outside on the sidewalk, i always have to initiate talk with people, and no one hardly initiates talk with me and that makes me over analyze the situation that they aren't interested, and this is very common with most girls I've tried talking to..

I know I'm young, thats very true, but as I've said i feel like a big chunk is missing, and my social aspect is what has affected me to this point

 

[AndrewM]

Hi Lonely Russian,

I can relate to some of your experiences. I was bullied constantly at school too, in my case because I had buck teeth (which have since been fixed) and so kids would taunt me by calling me "goofy" among other things. I constantly got in to fights about it. The worst thing was when I found that, even away from school, people I had never met would start taunting me in exactly the same way - word had got around! My "friends" at the time were pretty crazy and used to beat me up too. I was miserable and since then I've always found it hard to trust people. The experience must have affected me deeply because a therapist I went to see recently almost immediately picked up on the fact that I had been bullied at school, without me saying anything about it.

Anyway, it's going to be a struggle but don't give up hope. I would disagree with one of the above posters in that I don't think surviving is enough. Animals survive, but humans have a creative capacity that allows them to be truly free. Freedom exists in love, in art, and in the struggle for justice and what is right. I think each of us as individuals have to work towards this freedom, by having creative thoughts and not just reacting against the pain we feel inside. I can't tell you how to do this because I'm still trying to do it myself. I've been to NZ and I know it's a beautiful place. Perhaps some of the natural beauty there can give you inspiration.

One more thing: wean yourself off the porn. I wouldn't even call you a pervert - I'd just say you're not doing yourself any favours. If you want to relate to women in a meaningful way, then you can't do it by thinking of them as objects, which is what porn unconsciously impresses on you. Maybe there is a place for porn in the sex life of some people - I don't want to be moralistic about it. But for you, right now, you don't have a sex life - and it's simply an addiction which you'll have to overcome if you want to get better. From what you've written you already know this, so try to avoid those situations where you find yourself tempted. The only way to cure yourself of it completely is to have a life rich enough where you won't ever want to waste your time looking at porn again. But to get to that point, you have to work at it. And surfing for porn or watching it won't ever help you get to that point.

 

[Mysis]

I've deleted my porn, and always have come back cause i have sexual urges, i know its more dominantly common among the male folk, and i know i wouldn't like to be looked upon as some pervert :/

Social misconception. There's plenty of women who look at porn frequently, and masturbate to it regularly, just like you do. Some of them do it even more than you, and they're perfectly normal and well adjusted people. Hell, plenty of healthy couples even watch porn together. Women also like video games, just as much as men do, sometimes even more. Even the violent and bloody ones.

Men and women are really close to being equal, actually. The major differences have more to do with social expectations than differences in psychology.

When everything's boiled down, both men and women pretty much want the same things from their partners. Love, respect, having a place in each other's life, sexual satisfaction, trust, and support. The biggest difference is that lots of men are made to feel as if love is a weakness by their peers. And of course individuals wont always have the same definitions or concepts of these terms.

With that aside... No woman will ever make you into a happy person. It may alleviate a lot of the stress, and it may help you to feel happy, but ultimately you need to learn to find happiness within your own life that isn't dependent on other people.

As far as people making that video about you... There's an old quote, I can't recall the source though, but... "Study your enemy's tactics to learn their deepest fears". Or something along those lines. Basically it means that people will attack you with what they themselves are fearful of. The most aggressively homophobic guys are often gay themselves. That guy who made the video which portrayed you as a chronic masterbator, probably a chronic masterbator himself who at times felt like he had a problem. It's just a way for these people to silence their insecurities about themselves. Unfortunately you got the honeysuckle end of the stick, but part of being mature is learning not to touch the stick when it's presented to you in the first place and just ignore it, that way you don't get honeysuckle on your hands.

If you can masterbate 24 times a day, you're a machine... Consider it a gift... You will make someone VERY happy with it someday...

 

[simpleman]

there are huge psychological differences between men and women, not to mention hormonal influence. we are truly NOT the same creatures with different plumbing.

 

[Mysis]

there are huge psychological differences between men and women, not to mention hormonal influence. we are truly NOT the same creatures with different plumbing.

More the same than we generally think. Hormonal influence is definitely a factor, but then there's enough women who act and respond like men, and men who act and respond like women, with perfectly normal hormone balance that you can't really say it's a definitively decided difference.

It's not like there's some code that you have to speak in for them to understand you, and really the only trick to interacting with them is to be nice.

Otherwise they can laugh at fart jokes, immature humor, play video games, watch sports, watch fights, enjoy violence, and everything else so many people seem to consider the domain of men.

In my experience, the differences can be pretty negligible most of the time. So my advice is to just relax and stop worrying about the differences and focus on the common grounds.

 

[h i]

my bad

there, there, itll be okay.

i mean why would health concerns be of any concern... metabolism, yeah, i guess theres nothing you can do. just ignore the health issues and i guess work on entertainment or past memories, things of real importance, that wouldnt change if you were healthy enough to do new things for entertainment and make new memories...

youve been through so much.

there there

 

[Matus]

Hey there lonelyrussian,

First i want to say i literally ADMIRE you! You for sure had tough life so far and i admire you,I really do for gettin' through all of it.

And i want to give you advice,I want to show you thing,that really turned my life in 180 degrees.
That thing isn't really a thing.
It's a MAN.

Yes that's right,a man,named David DeAngello. If you can,buy his eBook - doubleyourdating - ,or simply download it from somewhere[since you said you have internet addiction i don't think you'll have problems with that] and much more important,download his DVD program DEEP INNER GAME. Dude there's so much important stuff in there,that don't just help you dating life, but it changes your life as whole,so many great ideas,how to cherish what you have. I don't have words,seriously i can't decribe what you can find in that program. I was insecure and kinda shy with girls too,before i found that about stuff,now? The most awesome girls i know,call me to hang out,girls that would never call me if i behaved the way i did before,and it isn't about being fake or anything,it's simple about bringing what's NATURAL for you up on surface.


So i'll end it with those few words :
David DeAngello - DEEP INNER GAME . You know you can change your life. This is one of the keys.