OneLonelyRussian
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- Apr 3, 2010
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Hi there!
I came across this site looking through other peoples experiences and their own stories with loneliness and depression, i can just relate to so much..
But I'd like to tell my story, and would like some feedback from you all.
I came to New Zealand with my family when i was only 4 years old from Russia, I am currently 17 and turning 18 next month. I've been here pretty much my whole life.
My personal experience hasn't been so good, i was born 3 months premature and was born very small when i was a baby, living in a incubator for 2 months. I had problems with daily normal functions which most toddlers would of learnt by then, such as breathing,eating even trying to go the toilet. My mother had to help me these things. Soon by then i was in normal shape and form.
I remember when i was 4, always begging my parents if i could go to school, and i remember vividly my first day of school. No one wanted to be my friend, but i got along with some people, it didn't seem so bad, i had a problem all my life with being bullied, i had a very deep awkward voice when i was younger, which everyone would think of me as being some handicap or retard :/.
I was consistantly bullied during my primary/elementary years of high school, everyone thought i was weird, i had anger issues when people bullied me.
And i remember having the same issues when i reached my intermediate/junior high, years of school i was picked even worse, all the girls called me a retard and thought i was ugly and weird, all the boys didn't want to be my friend cause they thought i was annoying and just different, i became passive throughout those years because i couldn't of get into anymore fights and i had no way of resolving this problem, the deputy principal threatened to kick me out of the school and i was scared.
I always had the odd one good friend though, someone who actually looked at you at a good way and treated you well for who you were not for what you are.
I tried to make friends but it was hard, it seems the first impressions i gave to people were good, they treated me well but then after a while they would ditch me and say they dont want to be my friend anymore for no reason.
My years in high school were worse, especially my last year, i was considered to be socially awkward, i was pretty much a big loser, the biggest loser you can think of, i was a failure , i never strived to focus on my school work cause i had no motivation, no one wanted to talk to me, or to be my friend, i was picked on constantly everyday, people would try mimic my voice, would call me big nose, or call me retard, handicap.
As soon as i reached my last few years of high school those bullies stopped making fun of me and treated me well, but then i had someone who i considered a friend who used me, abused me, who humilated me in every way as possible, and i didn't suspect it one bit, he made videos of me and posted it on youtube, showed the whole school, the content in those videos made me look like the biggest loser ever,as if i was some guy who masturbated 24 times a day, who has no friends, no girlfriend, socially awkward and weird. That took the biggest stump on me, i felt like nobody, actually pretty much my whole life i met a bunch of sick people.
continuing.....
But i still feel like theres a lot pieces missing, I've went through so much crap throughout my life i don't even seem to think i can write it all up in this post, theres just too much to mention...
I have a few good friends only a couple and I'm still good friends with them today, i have a part time job, i started tech this year to study my diploma and then my bachelor degree next year, I'm doing computer information and systems technology, this is far as it gets in terms of me being happy for myself.
For one thing, as I've mentioned what i have got, I'm still not very happy with myself, I feel very lonely, I've always been a failure my whole life, throughout my school years i never paid attention to my school work, i only tried for what was easy, i blame it on bullying and myself for turning me into the loser i feel now today, i hate who i am and i want to change.
I've never had a girlfriend my whole entire life, i only had female friends on my first year of high school but that all changed when i was a target, i feel very lonely.. , I've tried to find that right person, but it never worked, i went after the wrong girls during my last year of high school, and i realized i was being clingy and needy, i tried too hard . So i gave up.. because it made me depressed when i felt rejected...
One of my friends keeps offering me to find a girl for me, but i declined because i don't want because of my insecurity with myself, even though I'd like a girlfriend, i feel as i won't ever be good enough for any girl and that they don't deserve me when there are other better guys out there, I mean whats so good about me? I'm not fun to be with, I'm boring, even though I try my best to impress, any girl is just going to look for a guy who can show her adventure :/, at least most attractive girls look for that, and also i admit i am shallow so why should I deserve any girl with that attitude.
I don't have my drivers license cause I'm lazy, and I've always been lazy and thats what i hate, everyones driving cars and I'm having to walk and catch the bus.. I can't get anywhere..
I always procrastinate with my homework or study, I have many addictions, I have a computer and gaming addiction, I have a porn addiction, i look at it everyday and now i realize how guilty i feel looking at it.. I mean what girl is going to find that attractive? jeez... , of course she will think I am some loser..
I've been going to the gym for 6 months but its been no help, I'm very skinny and have a extreme fast metabolism, I'm 58kg/119lb and 5"10 and
I'm starting to have self esteem issues.
My parents are also divorced and i try to get along with my dad, hes also changed and doesn't seem to pay any money for child support, hes rich and he thinks i should pay everything by myself, and his girlfriend is half his age :/, he doesn't stick to his promises, and i feel as if I'm not so important in his life either.
I live with my mother and 2 sisters. I always tend to fight and argue with my mother and older sister, and half the time i don't seem to get along.
At my workplace i get along with everyone, I'm different , i can talk to everyone but still...
I feel like i fit no where, no one wants to be with me, no one wants to ever include me in anything, when it comes to girls I'm extremely shy to introduce myself, I'm insecure and very nervous about it,I open up once i get talking to people.
My current situation doesn't help me keep motivated with anything..
So how do i fix myself? I don't want to be this loser anymore, I'm sick of this lifestyle.. i just want to be different for the better, i try to keep motivated when i set goals but I end up giving up,[/u]I'm very bored with my current lifestyle..
I have so much to write down, but i don't know how to mention all of it in one post, I'm sorry this is a bit messy, but i'd like some help..
I came across this site looking through other peoples experiences and their own stories with loneliness and depression, i can just relate to so much..
But I'd like to tell my story, and would like some feedback from you all.
I came to New Zealand with my family when i was only 4 years old from Russia, I am currently 17 and turning 18 next month. I've been here pretty much my whole life.
My personal experience hasn't been so good, i was born 3 months premature and was born very small when i was a baby, living in a incubator for 2 months. I had problems with daily normal functions which most toddlers would of learnt by then, such as breathing,eating even trying to go the toilet. My mother had to help me these things. Soon by then i was in normal shape and form.
I remember when i was 4, always begging my parents if i could go to school, and i remember vividly my first day of school. No one wanted to be my friend, but i got along with some people, it didn't seem so bad, i had a problem all my life with being bullied, i had a very deep awkward voice when i was younger, which everyone would think of me as being some handicap or retard :/.
I was consistantly bullied during my primary/elementary years of high school, everyone thought i was weird, i had anger issues when people bullied me.
And i remember having the same issues when i reached my intermediate/junior high, years of school i was picked even worse, all the girls called me a retard and thought i was ugly and weird, all the boys didn't want to be my friend cause they thought i was annoying and just different, i became passive throughout those years because i couldn't of get into anymore fights and i had no way of resolving this problem, the deputy principal threatened to kick me out of the school and i was scared.
I always had the odd one good friend though, someone who actually looked at you at a good way and treated you well for who you were not for what you are.
I tried to make friends but it was hard, it seems the first impressions i gave to people were good, they treated me well but then after a while they would ditch me and say they dont want to be my friend anymore for no reason.
My years in high school were worse, especially my last year, i was considered to be socially awkward, i was pretty much a big loser, the biggest loser you can think of, i was a failure , i never strived to focus on my school work cause i had no motivation, no one wanted to talk to me, or to be my friend, i was picked on constantly everyday, people would try mimic my voice, would call me big nose, or call me retard, handicap.
As soon as i reached my last few years of high school those bullies stopped making fun of me and treated me well, but then i had someone who i considered a friend who used me, abused me, who humilated me in every way as possible, and i didn't suspect it one bit, he made videos of me and posted it on youtube, showed the whole school, the content in those videos made me look like the biggest loser ever,as if i was some guy who masturbated 24 times a day, who has no friends, no girlfriend, socially awkward and weird. That took the biggest stump on me, i felt like nobody, actually pretty much my whole life i met a bunch of sick people.
continuing.....
But i still feel like theres a lot pieces missing, I've went through so much crap throughout my life i don't even seem to think i can write it all up in this post, theres just too much to mention...
I have a few good friends only a couple and I'm still good friends with them today, i have a part time job, i started tech this year to study my diploma and then my bachelor degree next year, I'm doing computer information and systems technology, this is far as it gets in terms of me being happy for myself.
For one thing, as I've mentioned what i have got, I'm still not very happy with myself, I feel very lonely, I've always been a failure my whole life, throughout my school years i never paid attention to my school work, i only tried for what was easy, i blame it on bullying and myself for turning me into the loser i feel now today, i hate who i am and i want to change.
I've never had a girlfriend my whole entire life, i only had female friends on my first year of high school but that all changed when i was a target, i feel very lonely.. , I've tried to find that right person, but it never worked, i went after the wrong girls during my last year of high school, and i realized i was being clingy and needy, i tried too hard . So i gave up.. because it made me depressed when i felt rejected...
One of my friends keeps offering me to find a girl for me, but i declined because i don't want because of my insecurity with myself, even though I'd like a girlfriend, i feel as i won't ever be good enough for any girl and that they don't deserve me when there are other better guys out there, I mean whats so good about me? I'm not fun to be with, I'm boring, even though I try my best to impress, any girl is just going to look for a guy who can show her adventure :/, at least most attractive girls look for that, and also i admit i am shallow so why should I deserve any girl with that attitude.
I don't have my drivers license cause I'm lazy, and I've always been lazy and thats what i hate, everyones driving cars and I'm having to walk and catch the bus.. I can't get anywhere..
I always procrastinate with my homework or study, I have many addictions, I have a computer and gaming addiction, I have a porn addiction, i look at it everyday and now i realize how guilty i feel looking at it.. I mean what girl is going to find that attractive? jeez... , of course she will think I am some loser..
I've been going to the gym for 6 months but its been no help, I'm very skinny and have a extreme fast metabolism, I'm 58kg/119lb and 5"10 and
I'm starting to have self esteem issues.
My parents are also divorced and i try to get along with my dad, hes also changed and doesn't seem to pay any money for child support, hes rich and he thinks i should pay everything by myself, and his girlfriend is half his age :/, he doesn't stick to his promises, and i feel as if I'm not so important in his life either.
I live with my mother and 2 sisters. I always tend to fight and argue with my mother and older sister, and half the time i don't seem to get along.
At my workplace i get along with everyone, I'm different , i can talk to everyone but still...
I feel like i fit no where, no one wants to be with me, no one wants to ever include me in anything, when it comes to girls I'm extremely shy to introduce myself, I'm insecure and very nervous about it,I open up once i get talking to people.
My current situation doesn't help me keep motivated with anything..
So how do i fix myself? I don't want to be this loser anymore, I'm sick of this lifestyle.. i just want to be different for the better, i try to keep motivated when i set goals but I end up giving up,[/u]I'm very bored with my current lifestyle..
I have so much to write down, but i don't know how to mention all of it in one post, I'm sorry this is a bit messy, but i'd like some help..