Need Some Good Advice for My Loner Brothers

[rothniel]

Here's some background:
I'm the eldest of three boys. I'm twenty-eight, and the other two are twenty-two and sixteen respectively.
Both of my parents are clinically depressed introverts, my mother much more so than my father. When I was four my mother decided that the world was a big bad scary place and decided to move our family (then of just the three of us) outside the city limits into the country.
I did not have an unhappy childhood, but it was a lonely one. Fortunately after a long while I found a true friend at school (since I saw no one but my family at all other times) and he helped me develop some social skills. My brothers have not been so lucky.
Alan (or so I'll call him) is the middle brother. He graduated high school and has no motivation in life (which I understand). He is now my roommate, and I've been trying to help him meet people. He has no friends. He wants to meet a nice girl, but he doesn't know how.
The youngest, Jay (or so I'll call him) had it the worst. My mother, over-protective as she is, took him out of junior high and started homeschooling him. That would have been fine if he had any sort of social contact outside the immediate family whatsoever, but he doesn't. He, also, has no friends.
I get them involved when I can. The three of us share several interests but none of which are very conducive to meeting new people. They want to make friends, but because they have had so little chance and so little experience they are naturally very reserved. It took me a long time to learn to open up and talk to people at all, and I'm afraid it will be even more difficult for them.
I've asked advice from a lot of different people. I know that ultimately all of this will have to come down to the decisions they make for themselves. But I'm trying to do everything I can to help my younger brothers who can't find help anywhere else. I'm also still dealing with some anger toward my mother for isolating us. I made it out okay, but they really haven't yet. I know she was just doing what she thought best...but it simply wasn't.

Any thoughts or suggestions are welcome. Chances are, I've already tried it, but fire away.

 

[Nina]

I'm sorry to hear about what you guys have been through. I can suggest that you google a "teachers" site and see if you can get some recommendations from the teachers and sometimes even the school counselors post in them.

You can also get the younger one involved in some school activities in your area. He is still in the age-range for that. Start him slowly with maybe an art class or sport if he's into them. Then maybe he'd like to jump into a class or two, in time. In a public school it should be free or simply paying for supplies and what not.

Get them both to smile openly and walk in a relaxed, heads up fashion. So many shy folks throw the wrong impression because they keep their head down and frequently look annoyed or troubled.

Also encourage them both to sit in the mall, food court and observe folks. Sometimes, merely having exposure to their peer group will help them feel a bit more relaxed around them. It's great that there are two of them to have for support.

Ask the gals you date if they know others in the right age groups and see if you can arrange a coffee get together for all of you. Casual, no pressure and you and your date are there to keep the conversation flowing...

I hope at least one of them can help...

 

[rothniel]

I'm sorry to hear about what you guys have been through. I can suggest that you google a "teachers" site and see if you can get some recommendations from the teachers and sometimes even the school counselors post in them.

You can also get the younger one involved in some school activities in your area. He is still in the age-range for that. Start him slowly with maybe an art class or sport if he's into them. Then maybe he'd like to jump into a class or two, in time. In a public school it should be free or simply paying for supplies and what not.

Get them both to smile openly and walk in a relaxed, heads up fashion. So many shy folks throw the wrong impression because they keep their head down and frequently look annoyed or troubled.

Also encourage them both to sit in the mall, food court and observe folks. Sometimes, merely having exposure to their peer group will help them feel a bit more relaxed around them. It's great that there are two of them to have for support.

Ask the gals you date if they know others in the right age groups and see if you can arrange a coffee get together for all of you. Casual, no pressure and you and your date are there to keep the conversation flowing...

I hope at least one of them can help...

Thanks, Nina. Unfortunately my mother has shot down all my ideas to get him (the homeschooled one) in various groups. They were both involved in ESAR (Explorer Search and Rescue) training, which was good, but the program went defunct. I'm going to see what I can do to get them involved in other things.

 

[Nina]

Rothniel,
It is such a shame, that you're mom would need to battle her own fears and issues in order to see what she has done and is doing to her children. You know it works in reverse and is almost as disastrous and debilitating, as what you fellows have experienced. Parent's get so self absorbed in, "actualizing" themselves they forget they have young, vulnerable, off-spring who need attention too. Your brothers are so blessed to have you. If you ever want to discuss this more, never hesitate to send me a pm. Best of luck in your efforts.

 

[futurecatlady]

Something that I think a lot of overprotective parents don't realize is that the smothering helps only one party--themselves. Their children grow up unable to fend for themselves in the world, unable to relate to others, sometimes with social and psychological problems. They are completely dependent on their parents. And with this dependence comes a fierce loyalty that the parent misinterprets as affection. The parent thinks, "I have done a good job. My child loves me and therefore all of my efforts were fruitful and right." They receive all of the positive feedback from the dependence, while their child is left with nothing.

I would even go so far as to say that smothering parents are more damaging than neglectful parents. A child could grow to hate their neglectful parent, and it is difficult to grow up in that kind of household. But at the end of the day, that child is more fit for the world, more independent, and more self-sufficient than a child who has been sheltered. All the love and attention in the world cannot reverse the debilitating effects of being trapped during a time when one should be learning and exploring.

My mother would always tell me that she was only protecting me because she loved me, and when I asked her why other parents would let their kids do things that I could not, she would respond that those parents did not love their children. But was she doing it because she loved me, or because it was less stressful for her than actually letting me figure things out on my own?

I guess that was more of a rant than advice, but all I can say is this--you need to somehow get your brothers to depend on you more than your mother. YOU are the influence that they need. Instill in them the idea that they are independent, self-sufficient, and individual entities worthy of their own path in life. I think with that confidence will come social skills, in time.

Good luck to you, your brothers, and your poor overprotective mother!

 

[NOAH_FX]

Hey Rothniel, does your littlest brother like any sports? Being in any organized sport like soccer baseball etc could help alot.. Of course they would be scary (It certainly was for me) but he may be able to meet some friends through that and at the very least be a part of something... Does he like to play music? I'd love to help anyway I can, let us know some of his hobbies/intrests... They both need to feel like their apart of something thats not just a family, while thats important, it's not enough..

 

[Nina]

futurecatlady...That was a **** fine rant with a lot of truth in it...

 

[Haz]

Good on you for looking out for your younger siblings.

The three of us share several interests but none of which are very conducive to meeting new people.

Well, I don't know what these interests are but even traditionally anti-social activities such as computer games can have a group of local people who have never met each other organised in a room.

Maybe it would do them good to study some sort of community course to get exposed to people? I don't know how your mother could object to them gaining a new skill for employment, it is not quite the horrors public schooling can be.

 

[rothniel]

My mother would always tell me that she was only protecting me because she loved me, and when I asked her why other parents would let their kids do things that I could not, she would respond that those parents did not love their children. But was she doing it because she loved me, or because it was less stressful for her than actually letting me figure things out on my own?

Yup, sounds exactly like my mother. And I these parents (who almost always seem to be mothers) are smothering because it's easier. My mother's view of the Big Bad Scary World shaped her parenting style, and was very much instilled in us as children. Fortunately, I grew out of it pretty quickly. Alan definitely has the fierce loyalty issue, while I never did. I wonder if it's a personality thing or an upbringing thing. He was always more prone to encourage her anxieties while I learned to walk away and ignore the guilt trips.

---

Noah, Brother Two's interests are pretty much limited to console gaming. Brother One is obsessed with horror movies and books, strange animals and plants, weaponry, and special effects. Neither one of them are interested in anything athletic or conducive to social interaction, unfortunately.

 

[cheaptrickfan]

Noah, Brother Two's interests are pretty much limited to console gaming. Brother One is obsessed with horror movies and books, strange animals and plants, weaponry, and special effects. Neither one of them are interested in anything athletic or conducive to social interaction, unfortunately.

You could try finding groups related to their interests through meetup.com. If there are none, the nice thing is that they could create a group. Maybe there are others out there with similar interests who've been waiting for some group to form.

It's a shame that the way your mom homeschooled your youngest brother was so devoid of social contact. My SIL homeschooled her son but she was active in homeschool groups in our state, so the kid had the benefit of groups for a social network. :/

 

[andra]

The first step to them changing their behaviour and taking a new path in their lives is to understand their situation and how it will affect their future. If they they have little or no understanding of their poor social skills, they will make no effort in trying to change them. I think that along with the actual social activities everyone suggested in reply of your post, a "psychology lesson" is needed. They have to know that this improvement is necessary and not stand against it. Which I hope they don't, because that would make your job twice as hard.