Need to get married

[Gwenael]

Hi all ,

I've been battling extreme loneliness for a while but I'm beginning to think marriage will provide the perfect solution .
I'm really not into having multiple partners , that sort of thing . I just prefer having that special person around whom your entire life revolves .
Now my problem is I'm a bit introverted ( but not shy ) and unlikely to make a first approach so obviously I have a limited pool .
And again , I believe in marriage , people make it work when they really want it . There are those mentally indecisive . They might think it's a beautiful chapter to embark on when in fact , they aren't ready for it . All this makes me the more cautious .
I need suggestions . The fact that I'm unlikely to make the first approach yet live in a society where the man is expected to make the first move makes it harder .
To make suggestions easier , I'm aged 26 and of course , male .

 

[Unsigned]

Welcome and Good luck.
It may be rather difficult if you are introverted and not the type to make the first move.
Are you religious? A Church goer? That may be your best bet.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Um, well, maybe try your luck on Bumble? The women have to message first.

Other than that, I would say get out of your comfort zone and start talking to women.

 

[RiceCrispie]

Welcome to the forum.

Sounds like your ready for something more serious. You may even find you start looking at things you never really bothered looking for before in someone which will widen your choices.

Good luck. Let us know how you get On.

 

[Gwenael]

Welcome and Good luck.
It may be rather difficult if you are introverted and not the type to make the first move.
Are you religious? A Church goer? That may be your best bet.

Church ..umm . Not really my thing . And it may be burdensome to my conscience going to a place of worship with ulterior motives Lol . But I'll give it a thought .
Thanks .

 

[Unsigned]

Church ..umm . Not really my thing . And it may be burdensome to my conscience going to a place of worship with ulterior motives Lol . But I'll give it a thought .
Thanks .

Well...I did ask if you were a church going man.
So yeah I agree. If you are not, then it would not work with ulterior motives.

Since you are new here I will describe my own personal circumstances.
I am a lapsed Catholic, but absolutely a believer.
But yeah, like you, I am NOT a regular church goer and I would never do that out of ulterior motives.
So yeah...I get you.

Maybe try sincere volunteer work, like animal rescue?
Or anything else you believe in.
What I am saying is that you WILL ALMOST CERTAINLY NOT find what you are looking for in bars and clubs.

PS
In full disclosure, I have never had a GF or even a free date.
I have been frequenting prostitutes since 1985.
So I may not be the best to give advice on this.
But I am also an alcoholic who has been to countless bars/clubs/rooftops and I can tell you that the women you may meet there will not have the same goals as you. Once again...good luck.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

Marriage isn't a 'solution,' to a problem. I don't think it should be. It's a legality on one level, and on the other level, it's a commitment between two people to share their lives together.

Perhaps it some cases it can be; but, generally speaking, like anything else, it will introduce a new dynamic into two people's lives. From there things can go either way.

Plenty of lonely, miserable, married folks out there. And there are happily married people too.

It's probably a measure of what you bring with you into the marriage, and what your partner brings with them into the marriage.

Seems you are single right now, so, don't get ahead of yourself. Focus on your current circumstances.

You'll know it when you find the one, and if they feel the same, then you go from there. And once you get there, you gotta go from there too.

 

[okidoke]

I agree that marriage isn’t a solution. What you need to do is become a confident person that doesn’t need to be with anyone. Just live life doing what makes you happy and then you’ll find people being drawn to your independence and charisma. I made the mistake of chasing a relationship to be happy and failed to develop the traits needed to be that attractive person others want to be with, so don’t do what I did. Good luck and welcome to the forum.

 

[Murakami_1]

Hi!

I agree in the fact that marriage should be a plus, or bonus, and not the defining factor of your happiness. But if you really want a girlfriend to wife, maybe start going out more in places you find fun. You can go to the library if you like to read and maybe chat up someone there. Or idk where ever, you meet people at the most random places haha

Otherwise, maybe a dating app? hahaha I am no expert on this field

anyway welcome and enjoy the people here are nice, well some are the rest bite

 

[randomguy]

I was married once, what a bloody nightmare, i picked her up at a strip club. Do you have any strip joints nearby?

 

[okidoke]

I was married once, what a bloody nightmare, i picked her up at a strip club. Do you have any strip joints nearby?

Or he could try something quite opposite and become Amish or Mormon and see how that goes. Ya just never know.

 

[campuslow]

I am married. I thought being married was going to make me feel less lonely. The issue is my wife is popular good looking has tons of friends and family. I have no friends a family that would rather watch tv alone then socialize. My wife is a jerk to me and knows how lonely I am and uses it to control me and threaten to leave me. In some ways I feel much more lonely being married and my mental health is much worse being married. I am not so sure being married is going to be the answer.

 

[Cherubino]

Online dating is truly one of the best inventions in human history ... you can honestly describe yourself as you did here and what type of women you'd like to meet and be spared the difficulty and discomfort to reject or being rejected in person ... also never forget marriage comes with no guarantee and fortunately they have the antidote called divorce if proved toxic

 

[Unsigned]

My wife is a jerk to me and knows how lonely I am and uses it to control me and threaten to leave me. In some ways I feel much more lonely being married and my mental health is much worse being married.

That sounds horrible.
Hope that situation can improve for you, or you can find a way out.
I agree that is much worse than being alone.

 

[user 150037]

A lot of marriages fall into one of these camps:

a) one of them settled because they couldn't think they could do any better, and just wanted to be married, so the emotional connection is one-sided.

b) The woman got pregnant, and the two were pushed to do the 'right thing' for the sake of their children despite not truly loving eachother.

c) One either physically/emotionally abuses, neglects or cheats on the other. Even of the other person knows, they daren't leave them because...well, see a)


I'd rather be single all my life than fall into any of the above.

 

[Unsigned]

b) The woman got pregnant, and the two were pushed to do the 'right thing' for the sake of their children despite not truly loving eachother.

IMO, I think this is not so bad.
As long as both people know and fulfill their roles, and treat each other well, I believe this type of marriage can work.
With a kid coming, the husband will be motivated to be a hard worker and good provider, and the wife will be motivated to take care of her husband and baby. Not saying people should go around getting pregnant in hopes of marriage, though.

The "love marriages", and again this is only my opinion, are garbage.
The males gets infatuated, the female gets "tingles", and they think it will last.
I believe this is why there is so much divorce and single parenting in the west.

Being in tech, I have worked with many Indian guys over the years, and the majority I spoke with seem to feel that the arranged marriages work best. Both parties know their roles going in, and both families are totally committed to helping their marriage to be a success.
I know, not the same as the "shotgun wedding" for pregnancy, but similar.
Shame we do not have arranged marriages in Western cultures.

Anyways...just my observations. I have no first hand experiences in these matters.

 

[homelessincheshire]

I’d only marry a woman who is emotionally stable, loyal, kind, interesting (as in we can have good conversations) and who I find physically attractive.
I have met plenty of women like this in my life, but very rarely one who was both single and where there was mutual attraction. Where she was single and there was mutual attraction there was always some other problem, like age difference, geographic distance, etc.
I won’t settle for less than what I mentioned in my first point. Far too many people marry or pair up because of social expectations or fear of being alone. That creates relationships that are a breeding ground for neurosis, infidelity (mr or mrs right can easily show up once you are already committed to mr or mrs better-than-being-alone), boredom and a bunch of other maladies.

The institution of marriage as it is structured right now is enough to deter me from marriage. Nobody in their right mind would enter into a business partnership with the terms that are embedded in the average marriage agreement, particularly if businesses partnerships had the failure rate marriages have.
I have seen both men and women burned by the divorce process, and the financial & emotional stress of it is horrific.I have known many married women and women paired in long term relationships who either flirted with me heavily or made themselves available for infidelity in one way or another. In fact this is true for the majority of married women I have gotten to know. Once I reailzed it was a trend and not a few isolated experiences it was a really sobering experience and really changed my perspective on marriage/fidelity.
I am convinced that social media and smartphones are very unhealthy developments in human evolution. I could not be with a partner who did not share this perspective as it would carry through to how we raised our children. Social media is also very destructive to relationships for many reasons, so I could never be with someone who spent hours every day submersed in that false and unhealthy digital environment.
Most people are unfortunately addicted to their phones and don’t even see a problem with it.Like many men who have commented here, I value freedom. I have a whole answer on this on another thread. But basically I have found that the relationships I have been with have pulled me away from the things that I find meaningful and give me joy and focused my attention on drama and stuff I otherwise wouldn’t give a second thought.

Following on from those points, there is a simplicity and clarity to being single and there is a space which creates potential for reflection and introspection. There’s a reason why monastic life for both men and women requires the renunciation of romantic relationships.Even if you can find a suitable mate, marriage is pretty much pointless in the absence of having children. And having children in the world we are currently living in does not seem like a terribly good idea to me. Apart from the massive financial pressure that is required to do it properly, negative societal and mainstream cultural influences are off the charts, the education system is fundamentally broken, they will be exposed to tons of kids who are raised by parents who spend their lives with their heads buried in the smartphones, the technology they are exposed to is toxic and the world is teetering on the brink of serious civil and international conflicts, as well as economic collapse. To consciously bring a soul into this mess requires some serious forethought, planning and resources.

Add the above eight points up and it’s easy to see how someone can reach their 40s and bypass marriage, and that’s not even taking into account the fact that the financial and educational pressures of the modern world are effectively forcing people to pair up and start families later and later.

Your young so give it much thought and remember courtship is needed, get to know your future wife properly, become great friends and soul mates, if she wants you she will stay around and the wait is worth it for you both, just my 2 cents...

 

[Dart]

My marriage makes me lonelier than when I was single.