Neighbourly relations.

[Tiina63]

I am having difficulties with a neighbour who lives next door. Last Christmas I had invited her for an evening meal on Christmas Day as we had become quite friendly during the year, she had accepted the invitation and then on Christmas Eve at the last minute she said she had another invitation and would be taking that one instead. I was hurt but said nothing and let it go as I didn't want an argument and for neighbourly relations to suffer. I thought that things would go on as normal once more. But since then she has seemed to be avoiding me. I saw her for the first time this year a couple of months ago and made sure to say hello to her, but she answered only grudgingly, as if she didn't want to.
I make some noise when going out into my yard because there is stuff behind the door I have to move so she can hear me coming before I get out there. On several occasions she has been out in her yard but disappeared indoors by the time I get out into my yard. And when I have gone in, she has come out into her yard again.
I haven't in all honesty thought much about it as I have other things to think about, but tonight for the first time she was sitting in her yard and didn't go in when I went out, but I didn't notice her sitting there. I can be pretty oblivious and have often walked past people without seeing them. Anyway, I didn't say hello because I didn't notice her, and so I was surprised to hear this sarcastic voice saying 'Aren't you going to speak to me, Tiina?' I said that I hadn't seen her, but could tell she didn't believe me. This has upset me. I don't really understand her attitude. I didn't make a fuss at Christmas and haven't been avoiding her. What is her problem?

 

[Aisha]

Perhaps she's guilty and is acting out because of it? Maybe she thinks you're angry at here for turning down the invitation and instead of asking you about it and sorting things out she's maybe doing what she'd do if someone did that to her.
People are strange creatures and guilt and grudges make them do odd things..

 

[Sometimes]

I always think that the inexplicable ways people behave have to do with the stories they run in their heads. What seems crazy always makes sense in terms of their own personal story. You gotta be a mind reader to know what's going on.

Somebody could have told her you said something about her - that happened to me once, and it was completely a made up story.

It sounds uncomfortable - having someone running in their house to avoid you. It wouldn't be alot of fun to do it, but you might have to ask in order to find out.

 

[LonelySutton]

I always think that the inexplicable ways people behave have to do with the stories they run in their heads. What seems crazy always makes sense in terms of their own personal story. You gotta be a mind reader to know what's going on.

With you on that.... I do think you might have to rip the band aid off and just ask what the issue is. But I hear yah, you think your being nice and then suddenly its uncomfortable and you don't know why.

 

[SofiasMami]

How odd that she ditched you on Christmas after she got what she thought was a better invitation and now she's giving you the cold shoulder. People are just hard to figure out sometimes.
I've had my share of sketchy and hard-to-figure out neighbors and what I usually do is just continue being polite and cordial. I've never thought it was a good idea to get into a confrontation or war with a neighbor (contrary to what one of my neighbors thought, thank goodness I don't live there anymore).
I agree with Aisha, your neighbor may be feeling guilty for the way she treated you. I suppose at the end of the day that's really her problem and not yours though.

-Teresa

 

[HoodedMonk]

Forget her. Not worth it.

 

[Tiina63]

Thank you to all who have replied.
I have wondered, too, if maybe she felt guilty and is acting out because of it as Aisha has suggested. You are right-people are very odd.
Lonely Sutton-maybe I will have to ask her, it depends if I can pluck up the courage for this.
Sofiasmama-I agree with you. If it was the other way round, if I had ditched her, I could understand her being weird with me, but this way round her behaviour seems to make no sense. I agree with you that being polite and cordial is best. If I had seen her last night, I would have said hello to her.
Hooded Monk-I agree to an extent, but at the same time she is right next door which makes it awkward.

 

[LonelySutton]

but at the same time she is right next door which makes it awkward.

When I came to this community everyone waved so I thought ... maybe I should be friendly. My neighbor takes my train and works in my field just a few doors from me. But it is sooo tricky. When she would inadvertently sit next to me on the train I would insist we talked. It just seemed stupid for us to pretend we didn't know each other. She would even try to read her magazine while sitting next to me. Ugh. But now we have wisely learned to sit in different sections. So ok fine, but the other day I am walking to put my trash in the trash place and she invites me in for drinks. Well (1) I had food cooking; (2) I HATE alcohol, I think I am allergic and no one understands and (3) wait, we can't talk on the train but now I am supposed to go for drinks over your house... no. I declined, politely but still... awkward again.

I joined the condo board and now i wish I had never "tried" to be friendly. I should have just been like at my last condo, pretended my neighbors don't exist.

 

[Tiina63]

LonelySutton-before becoming friendly with this neighbour last year, I always thought it was best to be friendly and polite with neighbours but not to become actual friends because of any awkwardness that could arise should the friendship go wrong. Like you, I wish that I had stuck to this now.
You did the best thing not to go into your neighbour's place for a drink given the train situation, but I can understand how awkward it has made you feel.

 

[Triple Bogey]

People blow hot and cold. Nice one day, ignore you the next. My work is like that. Some women hang on my every word like I am the most important person in their life and the next day they completely blank me ! - I don't even try to figure out why !

I wouldn't worry about it. Or try not to. Just be polite when you do come across her. Say 'hello' or whatever. Don't put yourself out though. I wouldn't ask if anything is up. She will probably say 'nothing'

 

[dd11]

Honestly I don't try to figure people out anymore. It's impossible. Just be you. If she is mad , glad or what ever thst is on her. You did nothing except try to be a nice neighbor.

 

[Tiina63]

TB- just being polite and saying hello when I next see her is good advice. I must admit that I avoided going into my yard the other day because she was in her yard and I was feeling nervous, but from now on I will go out there whenever I want to and just say hello if she is there.
Delledonne11-like you I find that people are often impossible to figure out and the more I try to figure them out and to please them, the more tangled it gets.

 

[lei]

I wouldn't bother with her if you have to bend over backwards and accommodate her all the time. Should be a near 50/50 give and take. You shouldn't have to walk on egg shells.

 

[Tiina63]

Lei-I do feel as though I am on eggshells with her and that I have to bend over backwards to accommodate her. It is uncomfortable and I am also annoyed about as there are far bigger things in my life to sort out and I hate having to worry about this as well.

 

[bluefox]

That is really bizarre. I can't figure people out sometimes. I think Triple Bogey has the right idea. That's all I do with my neighbors mostly. I just say hello and make small talk if they want.

 

[Tiina63]

bluefox-thank you for your support. It is bizarre and I don't think ill ever get my head round it.