New Friend Is Ignoring Me

[Lost Soul]

You can't force someone to be your friend.

I wasn't trying to force anyone to be my friend, I just find it upsetting when people reject me.

 

[Treehere]

hi tree, i apologize for what i said. its just that i truly wouldn't be put off by someone saying that to me, call me odd, but i wouldn't myself anyways. no big deal to me. as long as they seemed like a nice person, i'd assume there was a reason for it. and i'd try to learn and understand why if i didn't allready figure it out myself. isn't that what a true friend should act like anyway?

apparently this person is someone who is very concerned with their autism, and it is bothering them. and feels it is important for people to know upfront. i suppose true friends should not only be there when someone is up but down also?

i have things about myself, that i sware, if i had it all up front with the world first, they would understand me better, and less time would be wasted etc..

i understand your point tho, and i still pretty much disagree with you, but i do think your a nice person, and i do apologize for the way i replied to you. i make mistakes! alot

hope you are well

I get what you're saying unfortunately not everyone is that understanding. I think true friendship needs a rock first of all to stand on and people can only be human afterall; but if people refuse to understand that the person has autism when a friendship has been forged, then fresia them simply lol.

No offence at all taken lol. : D

 

[nerdygirl]

Let's say somebody you didn't know approached you and said, "Hello! I have Genital Herpes. Do you know what Genital Herpes is? Let me show you some pictures of people with Genital Herpes, and describe the sensation to you. Here. Read this. It's all about Herpes!" Would you then be interested in pursuing the conversation, or would you have been a little happier to go get some cake?

I'm not saying you'd up and leave, but wouldn't you kind of want to, just a little?

 

[csmswhs]

Let's say somebody you didn't know approached you and said, "Hello! I have Genital Herpes. Do you know what Genital Herpes is? Let me show you some pictures of people with Genital Herpes, and describe the sensation to you. Here. Read this. It's all about Herpes!" Would you then be interested in pursuing the conversation, or would you have been a little happier to go get some cake?

I'm not saying you'd up and leave, but wouldn't you kind of want to, just a little?

that's a little different isn't it? certain issues that might effect how people perceive and interact with me socially, and could possibly even lead to me being totally misunderstood or taken wrong are different than if i have a wart on my ass isn't it?

although if someone did come up to me and said the things you just wrote, i would laugh my ass off and probably like them immediatly. at least they don't have a corncob shoved up their ass. probably not of course, because that might hurt their herpes

 

[Badjedidude]

than if i have a wart on my ass isn't it?

lulz gen. herpes is a bit more than just warts.

Humor aside, I think nerdy has a point. I think most people would react negatively about being told such intimate information right from the start, regardless of what that information is.

My question is, why even mention it? It's like apologizing for how you act right from the start. How can a friendship work when you're making excuses for the way you act before the person has even SEEN how you act? It just doesn't make sense.

Better to just keep your mouth shut and do your best to be friendly to them... and then explain things, if even needed.

It just seems like divulging such information should be more of a last-resort measure than an up-front, in-your-face sort of thing. I'm not saying it's detestable to have Asperger's or that anyone should be ashamed of it... but you should also not be so focused on it that you shove it in everyone's face every time you are able.

And the OP seems mighty focused on it.

 

[Lost Soul]

than if i have a wart on my ass isn't it?

lulz gen. herpes is a bit more than just warts.

Humor aside, I think nerdy has a point. I think most people would react negatively about being told such intimate information right from the start, regardless of what that information is.

My question is, why even mention it? It's like apologizing for how you act right from the start. How can a friendship work when you're making excuses for the way you act before the person has even SEEN how you act? It just doesn't make sense.

Better to just keep your mouth shut and do your best to be friendly to them... and then explain things, if even needed.

It just seems like divulging such information should be more of a last-resort measure than an up-front, in-your-face sort of thing. I'm not saying it's detestable to have Asperger's or that anyone should be ashamed of it... but you should also not be so focused on it that you shove it in everyone's face every time you are able.

And the OP seems mighty focused on it.

I tell people so they have may know what to expect from me becuase I don't know when I'm gonna make a wrong move. Life is like a hard stradigy game. It's so easy to make the wrong move. Before when I didn't even know I had Asperger's there wasn't that extra step in telling anyone so that failed right from the start becuase they had no idea. Now, I can find people who understand,

there is just not many around, but at least I know who is worth having. If they can't accept I have autism then the hack with them, there not worth being a friend. Autism is a big part of my life, it's who I am.

 

[Badjedidude]

I tell people so they have may know what to expect from me becuase I don't know when I'm gonna make a wrong move.

That's what I'm trying to say, though. By doing that, you're essentially making excuses or trying to apologize for who you are RIGHT WHEN YOU MEET THEM. And that isn't a very confident or personable attitude. *shrug*

But to each their own. If your approach is working for you, then by all means, continue using it.

 

[nerdygirl]

that's a little different isn't it? certain issues that might effect how people perceive and interact with me socially, and could possibly even lead to me being totally misunderstood or taken wrong are different than if i have a wart on my ass isn't it?

No, it isn't really that different. I've had friends with genital herpes, and I've witnessed the complete transformation some people have when they find out. csmswhs, you seem like... a defensive and protective person, who wants very badly to aid the wronged innocent. You would happily champion such a person against the world. That's cool. But you have to understand that Lost Soul is trying to make friends in that unfriendly world, and struggling to understand why it's not working.

I used Genital Herpes because it was my hope that it would be humorous, but also obviously private and potentially damaging to social interaction. People expect to hear the really bad things much later, if at all. So if they hear something this serious right off the bat, they get pretty scared of what's coming later.

Also, a lot of people associate things we don't know much about with stereotypes. So when your intro includes, "Autism", people expect Rain Man. Next time, mention Heather Kuzmich, who was diagnosed with Asperger's at fifteen. Heather was on American's Next Top Model. She's signed with Elite Model Management, goes to Illinois Institute of Art, and has been on talk shows. She's bright and beautiful, but was eliminated from ANTM because she wasn't great with communication. That's a lot easier to relate to than a guy who requires a schedule that revolves around Wapner.

---

Also. I have a vagina. It's a big part of my life, but it is not who I am. Are you more than the Autism? Only you can decide.

 

[Lost Soul]

What I think I meant was it's apart of who I am.... I don't know how to explain it becuase my poor Aspie brain is in a jam like always whihc messes my communication skills. I can't even type what I want to say properly.

 

[st642]

I agree with those saying that just bringing that up right away is not a good idea. It doesn't really matter what intimate detail is presented, but if it's done very early on and you give someone information on it to read, it can be off-putting.

Good point about not needing to make a preemptive apology either. Having confidence in yourself is important, and it doesn't come across like you have much with that approach. You're right, it is easy to make the wrong move, and I think you are making the wrong move by doing it this way.

Yes, having autism is part of who you are, but it doesn't have to be the only part or the most important part. I have a friend who is in a wheelchair. I have no idea what happened to cause that. We've never talked about it a single time, but talk about plenty of other stuff. And we have lots of mutual friends (since we both are part of a curling club) and I have never seen anyone to talk to him about it either. Yes, it is part of who he is and obviously made life hard for him in many ways. But he doesn't focus on it.

I know that situation isn't the same as yours, but I was trying to think of some example.

Let's say you become friends with someone, and they don't know about the autism. If you then tell them after a period of knowing them, if they're a good friend they won't just stop being your friend. But presenting it the way you have will push some people away.

 

[Sean]

Lost Soul I really don't thinks she's intentionally ignoring you . . . there could be many reasons why she hasn't responded back!

I'm a fairly impatient person, and there have been several times when i've been annoyed that people on MSN/Facebook don't message/IM me back quick enough . .

If she really don't want to talk to you, she'd tell you.

Just be patient .

 

[Disrobed]

What makes you think that just because you chatted a few moments with a perfect stranger this person is now a "friend"?
I call very few people friend and never call anyone friend who I have never meet. The internet is not a place to meet friends because you very seldom meet them.
Try looking up two terms in the dictionary.. The first is friend and the second is acquaintance.
Once you understand the difference perhaps you'll stop calling mere acquaintances friends and stop setting yourself up for disappointment.

Try it. You'll like it.

 

[eris]

What makes you think that just because you chatted a few moments with a perfect stranger this person is now a "friend"?
I call very few people friend and never call anyone friend who I have never meet. The internet is not a place to meet friends because you very seldom meet them.
Try looking up two terms in the dictionary.. The first is friend and the second is acquaintance.
Once you understand the difference perhaps you'll stop calling mere acquaintances friends and stop setting yourself up for disappointment.

Try it. You'll like it.

I agree he is kind of jumping the gun on the friend thing, but did you have to say it like that ?

I think you definatly can be friends with innerweb people. I've known one kid since 2001. We aren't friends? Some people meet and get married to innerweb people


____________

Hi Lost Soul, how you doin ?

oooh. I have a computer tech question. I should ask you. Expect a PM

 

[Lost Soul]

I don't know, I thought she was a friend and becuase she is looking for friends and so am I but I guess friend is a little strong word to use at this time. She still responds to me but I don't say too much becuase I'm afraid I will bother here.

My sister told me a few years ago but sending people too many messages and how it can annoy them and I have no experience with that still on how I can message people but not annoy them, so I usually keep the messages minimal unless there is something to keep the conversation going.

 

[eris]

^^ The best advice I can give you about IMing is just be natural. Sometimes someone is busy and can't reply for 10 minutes and some people just dissapear because they are hungry or something.

Think of it this way... you can contact them again. They really didn't leave you. Message them tomorrow. If you IM too many times in a row or very quickly it seems like you can't wait and you must talk now. Once you get to know them it is different. I have one friend that Ive talked to like 6 years that sends message after message about dinosaurs and goes on huge rants that go on for pages. I sometimes get a break to say " yes, dear"... "I understand"... "Of course thats a rare dinosaur".... "I know"... but if he did that at first i'd probably run away.

 

[iBreathe]

Dinosaurs...? Really?

@Lost: Yanno, Eris has a good point. I'm horrid for just leaving my IM open and wandering off, or something. Some people chat a lot and some barely type lol/orly/yarly/xD etc. Try not to obsess or over-analyze stuff. =)

 

[VanillaCreme]

I tell people so they have may know what to expect from me becuase I don't know when I'm gonna make a wrong move. Life is like a hard stradigy game. It's so easy to make the wrong move. Before when I didn't even know I had Asperger's there wasn't that extra step in telling anyone so that failed right from the start becuase they had no idea. Now, I can find people who understand,

there is just not many around, but at least I know who is worth having. If they can't accept I have autism then the hack with them, there not worth being a friend. Autism is a big part of my life, it's who I am.

Anyone can make a "wrong" or awkward move. Asperger's or not. To be quite honest, it's not the sole reason of all your problems. And the fact that you seem so adamant on making sure everyone knows for sure, adds to those issues.

Nerdy's post hit it on the head. Would you care to talk to someone who was shoving whatever issues they had in your face? Especially when you don't know them, it's a little off-putting. Even if you told everyone on the face of this Earth, that doesn't automatically mean everyone would understand, or even accept it.

Maybe once in awhile, try not to bring it up, and see where the conversation leads to. Then when you get to know the person a bit better, you can talk to them about it. It doesn't mean that it's any less important to you. There are a lot of important issues that I have in my life... Do you know all about them?

 

[septicemia]

You said it yourself, thigns wernt so bad for you until you learned you have aspergers. Its mind over matter. I dont know you at all, but it seems you have convinced yourself that this is how you need to act because of what you have read about your disorder. So what if a Dr. told you tomorrow you actually dont have aspergers or any mental disorder? I think you have tricked yourself into thinking you have to act a certain way to be this certain thing. I am not saying you truly dont have a mental disorder, but I think you are playing into it WAY too much. Thats my take on it all anyway.

 

[VanillaCreme]

You said it yourself, thigns wernt so bad for you until you learned you have aspergers. Its mind over matter. I dont know you at all, but it seems you have convinced yourself that this is how you need to act because of what you have read about your disorder. So what if a Dr. told you tomorrow you actually dont have aspergers or any mental disorder? I think you have tricked yourself into thinking you have to act a certain way to be this certain thing. I am not saying you truly dont have a mental disorder, but I think you are playing into it WAY too much. Thats my take on it all anyway.

I think that kind of plays out into relaxing about it. It doesn't need to be told instantly within the first minutes of meeting someone, as with any issue.

 

[Badjedidude]

Dinosaurs...? Really?

Dinosaurs ******* rock.