hello again,
i feel like i am missing something in my introduction, i mean i feel like i identify with a lot of people but i don't let you know that.
here how it goes. i went to Pennsylvanian for my friend's brother graduation party. but when we got there, she started to ignore me and giving me the cold shoulder, don't get me wrong every body else was very nice to me.
one of the guests a guy, i notice was so cute, at the end of the night, after i withdraw myself from the bar to be alone, cause that's all i felt like i know how to do,he and another guy came and flirt with me; which flattered me. i am a nice person so i was nice to them even though i knew what their intentions might have been. the one i liked and couldn't help notice earlier ask me to kiss him and since my friend had already told me who was single, i though it was okay. right then and there after that kiss, we could not walk away from each other and he was pushing for more, but i resist cause i know it would be meaningless to have sex with him, at least to him. but i fell so hard in love with him and now since the day i left i can't stop thinking about him. it is every morning he is the first thing on my mind, when i take a break at school and at work so to say when something else is not keeping me busy. and every night before i sleep. i even take break intentionally and sit in the bathroom to think about him.
he doesn't try to contact me either so i guess it was meaningless to him, and i thought he felt something too.
i went there in june and since then it has been 4and a 1/2 months i can't stop having this rush going through me when i think about him and want to hold him.
the worse part is that my friend whom i love and trust, maybe is going through this jealousy phase and she is not at all supportive of my crush and won't offer any help to help me get in touch with him. i implied it but don't have the courage to ask her because of her opinion about it.
anyway on top of the fact of having been lonely my whole life, i fell in love in a bad way and it did not stick, i feel like i am cursed, and there is a spell i need to break. i went on with my days, by starting a diet, lost 18 pounds, i took guitar lessons for two months cost me a fortune, and went jogging at 4:30am every day before work in my attempt to rid my heart of the feeling. and the solitude is just breaking me down day by day.
BTW. it's hard to focus and get anything done when you are lonely AND heartbroken, like someone mention earlier.
this is the first time i open myself up about this event since then, because my friend i can't talk to her about it cause i feel pretty stupid, and she might not take me seriously.
I'm 26 and have bipolar disorder. Its very hard to relate to people I guess and in social situation I freeze up and can not speak. When I was in high school I had many friends but thats when I was doing drugs. I have been clean for 9 yrs now. It seems when I stopped doing drugs I stopped being an interesting person to hang out with. Anywho, Just popping on to say hi. I look forward to getting to know you guys.
