Not having a good day

[onedepressedmom]

Just not having a good day today. Actually....it started last week. My birthday was Wednesday. My husband bought me a card as well as my kids. They asked me what I wanted for my birthday a week earlier. I told them that I wanted to go to the Olive Garden for dinner on the weekend after. The weekend came and not only did we not go, but it was not even mentioned. I guess they forgot about it. I seem to be forgotten about a lot these days. My own mother did not even send me a card! My online best friend did not mention my birthday at all! Not that I wanted this big party or anything, but something would have been nice. I have suffered from depression for many years now, the last three being the worst ever. I also have chronic pain from two botched back surgeries. Life most days sucks and I find little, except for my three kids, to make me happy anymore. The past week has just added more insult to injury here. All I do is cry when no one is looking. I have tried to be positive, but it is getting harder and harder. Does anyone have any thoughts to make this easier for me to swallow? I don't want to end up in the hospital again, mainly because there is no one to care for my children. I'm not the best mom in the world, but I'm the only one they have right now. I would appreciate any help here! Thank you!

 

[Edward W]

I'm sorry things aren't so good. If you can, I suggest a quick jab with your elbow to your husband before handing him a leaflet or menu from the Olive garden. Men are a bit think sometimes and don't always mean to be insensitive. A little reminder might help.

I hope things get better for you.

 

[Walley]

I know what you mean about the bday thing. it seems the older we get, the less it means to people.
i'm kinda used to it and numb now. I pretty much stopped having birthdays by the time I was a teen and xmas is only for the kids since before I even had kids lol.
the only presents I tend to get really are what I buy for myself. (and they're the best anyways ;p)
I've told my wife that we need to start making each other a priority on bdays or at least xmas. it sucks to always say that we can't afford to by each other stuff after we go broke buying for the kids, but it also sucks to receive nothing from anyone year after year.
what we've done recently is, for each of our birthdays, we make sure we go out to eat that night at least. the persons who's birthday it is picks the place. this works on a work night or weekends too. and if nothing else, atleast we can say we did that. could range from Taco Bell to a buffet or pricey restaurant. (depending on finances and preferences)
just tell your husband that you don't want to get him the same thing he got you on your birthday.. and so you want to make it a planned event.


oh and btw, you shouldn't put yourself down. I don't know a lot about you to know how good of a mom you really are, but you obviously care for them and love them and make them a priority in your life. what else can a child ask for?
you seem like a pretty good mom from this perspective.

 

[onedepressedmom]

I'm sorry things aren't so good. If you can, I suggest a quick jab with your elbow to your husband before handing him a leaflet or menu from the Olive garden. Men are a bit think sometimes and don't always mean to be insensitive. A little reminder might help.

I hope things get better for you.

Thanks for the reply!

 

[Peaches]

Hi! Really sorry to hear about your experience, actually you have all the reasons to be hurt by the behavior of those around you. What I noticed lately, is that people who are "celebrated" more usually start dropping mentions of their birthday or whatever recurrence weeks or months before, and how they would like this and that as a present. I always thought this behavior to be egocentric, but the fact is, I have come to think they are helping those around them, because people forget. They express their needs, and others usually comply.

This doesn't work for your mother, she should have remembered, maybe there is something going on between the two of you? Or she had exceptional engagements lately that could justify her forgetting?

Anyway, I am really sorry, I know how much that hurts, it happened to me several times. What about letting your pain known to those around you in this particular case? Maybe they do want to help, and they didn't mean to hurt you.

 

[9006]

It's hard when you feel neglected from the people who you feel closest to. I think these people need to realize how you feel, unfortunately most of the time it's down to yourself to make them realize, often when it's too late.

Don't feel as though you're alone, there will always be people here who'll listen. Sometimes that makes the difference.

 

[onedepressedmom]

I know what you mean about the bday thing. it seems the older we get, the less it means to people.
i'm kinda used to it and numb now. I pretty much stopped having birthdays by the time I was a teen and xmas is only for the kids since before I even had kids lol.
the only presents I tend to get really are what I buy for myself. (and they're the best anyways ;p)
I've told my wife that we need to start making each other a priority on bdays or at least xmas. it sucks to always say that we can't afford to by each other stuff after we go broke buying for the kids, but it also sucks to receive nothing from anyone year after year.
what we've done recently is, for each of our birthdays, we make sure we go out to eat that night at least. the persons who's birthday it is picks the place. this works on a work night or weekends too. and if nothing else, atleast we can say we did that. could range from Taco Bell to a buffet or pricey restaurant. (depending on finances and preferences)
just tell your husband that you don't want to get him the same thing he got you on your birthday.. and so you want to make it a planned event.


oh and btw, you shouldn't put yourself down. I don't know a lot about you to know how good of a mom you really are, but you obviously care for them and love them and make them a priority in your life. what else can a child ask for?
you seem like a pretty good mom from this perspective.

Thanks so much for your reply! I think we are both on the same page here as we do a lot of the same things for Christmas and birthdays; our kids are the top priority. I hear ya though on the financial issues. That's why I picked the Olive Garden for my dinner. My husband's birthday was in September. Not only did we go out to an expensive Japanese steakhouse for his dinner, but the kids and I also bought him gifts (mine was a gag gift but I was still thinking about him..LOL!). I usually buy my own gifts as well because sometimes my husband just doesn't "get it". I would not have been so upset if he would not have extended the offer to take me out as well as asked me where I wanted to go. Thank you for the mom comment as well. I just feel like I could do soooooo much more if I was not sooooooo miserable. The guilt about that just eats me alive! Thanks for sharing your story with me! You sound like an awesome person, husband, and father!

---

Hi! Really sorry to hear about your experience, actually you have all the reasons to be hurt by the behavior of those around you. What I noticed lately, is that people who are "celebrated" more usually start dropping mentions of their birthday or whatever recurrence weeks or months before, and how they would like this and that as a present. I always thought this behavior to be egocentric, but the fact is, I have come to think they are helping those around them, because people forget. They express their needs, and others usually comply.

This doesn't work for your mother, she should have remembered, maybe there is something going on between the two of you? Or she had exceptional engagements lately that could justify her forgetting?

Anyway, I am really sorry, I know how much that hurts, it happened to me several times. What about letting your pain known to those around you in this particular case? Maybe they do want to help, and they didn't mean to hurt you.

Thanks for your reply! Yes, I thought that my birthday dinner would have been remembered WITHOUT having to remind everyone in my house. I just think that if I have to remind them then it's not really worth it because it's almost like you're forcing them to do it. I don't always like to put my feelings out there because that's when I feel the most vulnerable to be hurt by the responses of others. As for my mother....you are absolutely right about her and I. We've had a strained relationship for years now, but have recently been communicating more. I know that she struggles financially at times, but a card is not going to break her bank! She does send birthday cards to my children though. I guess I will just have to chuck the birthday dinner this year and hope that next year will be better.

---

It's hard when you feel neglected from the people who you feel closest to. I think these people need to realize how you feel, unfortunately most of the time it's down to yourself to make them realize, often when it's too late.

Don't feel as though you're alone, there will always be people here who'll listen. Sometimes that makes the difference.

Thanks for your reply! You're right about how awful it feels to be neglected by those around you. You would think that they would be the most attentive to your needs. I'm glad though that I have the support of people here who will listen, like you!

 

[9006]

Thanks for your reply! You're right about how awful it feels to be neglected by those around you. You would think that they would be the most attentive to your needs. I'm glad though that I have the support of people here who will listen, like you!

I think sometimes people get a little preoccupied with other things going on, not that I'm making excuses but don't there's a chance it may not be as bad as you think. I think communication is important too, don't suffer in silence.

 

[ladyforsaken]

Hey, I'm so sorry for what happened. It sucks to feel ignored and forgotten when you do try to think of others. They should have at least remembered.. or wished you or something.. really. :\

I'm not sure what to say more on top of what the others have already said, but I hope that you can at least talk to some people here who can make you feel better at least. *hugs*

 

[onedepressedmom]

Hey, I'm so sorry for what happened. It sucks to feel ignored and forgotten when you do try to think of others. They should have at least remembered.. or wished you or something.. really. :\

I'm not sure what to say more on top of what the others have already said, but I hope that you can at least talk to some people here who can make you feel better at least. *hugs*

Thank you! I hope to get relief from my pain here too!

 

[constant stranger]

I don't really have anything new to say either. I'm sorry your birthday fizzled like it did and I'd like to make things better but I can't.

Advice to someone I don't know is risky but I'll say this....if it was me, I'd look for a trusted go-between, someone close enough to confide in to pass along the message.....'I was a little hurt and a gesture to compensate would be appreciated'.

 

[onedepressedmom]

I don't really have anything new to say either. I'm sorry your birthday fizzled like it did and I'd like to make things better but I can't.

Advice to someone I don't know is risky but I'll say this....if it was me, I'd look for a trusted go-between, someone close enough to confide in to pass along the message.....'I was a little hurt and a gesture to compensate would be appreciated'.

Thanks for the reply! I don't think my husband actually gives a honeysuckle that not only did he forget my birthday dinner, but he also did not buy me anything. I just feel bad for our kids because they are too small to go out on their own to buy gifts. He is not teaching them to be respectful to others! I don't think it would have hurt so much if I had not gone to great lengths to make his birthday special just a month ago. I might bring it up to him at a later date, but I'm sure he'll just say it was my fault.

 

[constant stranger]

I don't really have anything new to say either. I'm sorry your birthday fizzled like it did and I'd like to make things better but I can't.

Advice to someone I don't know is risky but I'll say this....if it was me, I'd look for a trusted go-between, someone close enough to confide in to pass along the message.....'I was a little hurt and a gesture to compensate would be appreciated'.

Thanks for the reply! I don't think my husband actually gives a honeysuckle that not only did he forget my birthday dinner, but he also did not buy me anything. I just feel bad for our kids because they are too small to go out on their own to buy gifts. He is not teaching them to be respectful to others! I don't think it would have hurt so much if I had not gone to great lengths to make his birthday special just a month ago. I might bring it up to him at a later date, but I'm sure he'll just say it was my fault.

At the risk of saying too much, it doesn't sound like the youngsters are growing up in the most ideally functional of a family model to pattern the rest of their life relationships on.

That sounds so judgmental of me. Apols if I've given offence.

 

[silver birch leaves]

Maybe try to talk to him very gently about your needs which may be different from what he perceives. After years of being together, I think, we do take things for granted. It's a bit like: if I didn't love my partner, I wouldn't be with her, or why do I need to show that I care, if it's obvious.

I myself forget about small things outside of routine. Sometimes, I can notice that I don't do enough, but often, I need to be reminded. I may feel really down or become somehow defensive when I'm told that I could do better, but with time there comes the realisation that something went wrong indeed, and actually, I'm thankful.

 

[onedepressedmom]

I don't really have anything new to say either. I'm sorry your birthday fizzled like it did and I'd like to make things better but I can't.

Advice to someone I don't know is risky but I'll say this....if it was me, I'd look for a trusted go-between, someone close enough to confide in to pass along the message.....'I was a little hurt and a gesture to compensate would be appreciated'.

Thanks for the reply! I don't think my husband actually gives a honeysuckle that not only did he forget my birthday dinner, but he also did not buy me anything. I just feel bad for our kids because they are too small to go out on their own to buy gifts. He is not teaching them to be respectful to others! I don't think it would have hurt so much if I had not gone to great lengths to make his birthday special just a month ago. I might bring it up to him at a later date, but I'm sure he'll just say it was my fault.

At the risk of saying too much, it doesn't sound like the youngsters are growing up in the most ideally functional of a family model to pattern the rest of their life relationships on.

That sounds so judgmental of me. Apols if I've given offence.

No offense taken.....in fact, I agree with you. My husband is usually a great father, but when it comes to me...he gets bitter. I guess he did not sign up to have a wife like this and it's cramping his style. If my physical and mental health were better, we would just get divorced I think. I try to tell the kids to disregard the negative things that happen (and it's not that often either) because sometimes people don't always get along. Believe me if I thought that they were going to be scarred by what goes on in our house, I would get them and myself out ASAP, no matter what kind of health issues I had! I just wish my husband could understand that his actions just don't affect me, but the kids as well. They learn most of their life lessons at home like you said. Maybe if I drop that idea to him he'll think again about his actions towards me. Thanks!

 

[constant stranger]

Is it OK, O.D.M. if I volunteer a bit of autobiography?
I'm transitioning from middle age to oncoming old age. Never married. Left home for college at the trad age & lived independent until age 30.

Mom was & is profoundly mood-swing prone, almost bi-polar and Dad was utterly unable to cope with it.....so that was my job.
He depended on my help with her and simultaneously resented it so hence he punished me for 'not knowing my place'....while needing my help to stabilize a dysfunctional family.

Age 30, (me that is) Dad retires to the country and Mom has a heart attack......who gets asked to come and help? Me.
And here I've stayed. Dad's been gone 12 yrs and I'm still here.

What a f****d up family. I wouldn't wish our history on anyone and I really wish there had been some kind of intervention when we were all younger so things could have been better.
BTW, there are two older brothers who didn't lift a finger to help back in the day and who both avoid us now.

So it seems heart breaking to see young families now, embarked on a perilous journey. Again, sorry if I'm putting the wrong foot forward.

 

[onedepressedmom]

Is it OK, O.D.M. if I volunteer a bit of autobiography?
I'm transitioning from middle age to oncoming old age. Never married. Left home for college at the trad age & lived independent until age 30.

Mom was & is profoundly mood-swing prone, almost bi-polar and Dad was utterly unable to cope with it.....so that was my job.
He depended on my help with her and simultaneously resented it so hence he punished me for 'not knowing my place'....while needing my help to stabilize a dysfunctional family.

Age 30, (me that is) Dad retires to the country and Mom has a heart attack......who gets asked to come and help? Me.
And here I've stayed. Dad's been gone 12 yrs and I'm still here.

What a f****d up family. I wouldn't wish our history on anyone and I really wish there had been some kind of intervention when we were all younger so things could have been better.
BTW, there are two older brothers who didn't lift a finger to help back in the day and who both avoid us now.

So it seems heart breaking to see young families now, embarked on a perilous journey. Again, sorry if I'm putting the wrong foot forward.

PLEASE feel free to share ANYTHING with me!! Sounds like an awful experience for you! I'm sorry to hear about having ALL that responsibility dumped on you! I must have been and still is very hard on you. Sounds like you were not able to enjoy and thrive in your own life. I agree that there should be ways to get more help when your family lets you down. I am an only child and my mother is getting up there in years and also has many health issues. My father left her the year I moved out because he could not stand her lack of will to move through her issues (she has depression and anxiety). She kept herself isolated at home. You couldn't even talk her out of the house to go somewhere. I really understood my dad's pain as he wanted only to get her out and about to try to end some of her suffering, but she refused. When he went on business trips, I was all she had. Eventually, I HAD to move out!! She was driving me crazy!! She knew my whole entire life! She never gave me any privacy! It was too much for me and I decided I had to get away. I would NEVER want to do that to my kids, but I see some of the same things happening between my husband and me. In the depths of my deep, deep depression a few years back, I also isolated myself in the house. I knew that it hurt him as well as my kids, but I had NO control over the disease. It practically killed me! I NEVER want to feel like that or subject my family to that again, but where do you go if you are suffering? My hospitalization did not help me! All I had was my family to rely on. I'm sure your mother does NOT want to harm your ability to live life, but who else does she have? It must be devastating for her to be neglected my the rest of the family. She is so lucky to have you even if she does not share that with you. I will have to take care of my mother soon as well. I dread the day actually. Her and I have never really enjoyed an classic mother-daughter relationship after all that happened between us. She won't even come to see her grandchildren anymore! But unfortunately, I'm all she has. You owe it to yourself to have some fun once in awhile though. This journey may seem perilous, but we've both learned something from it whether it's good or bad. Our journey though has not ended and we can change it's path!

 

[constant stranger]

Our journey has not ended and we can change our path.

Good points. Let's both do well for ourselves, our family and our friends.
Not that I have many friends....got to do better in that department too.