Hey everyone, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately (which usually doesn't lead to anything good) and I decided that I need to confront something that's been eating away at me for close to four years. I mentioned it briefly in another thread, but this is something that I just need to get out there.
I was born with optic nerve hypoplasia in both eyes, which means that my optic nerves didn't develop normally when I was still a fetus. The right eye has it worse, leaving me legally blind in that eye and with limited (20/50) vision in the left. Current research says that it's not degenerative, but there's no corrective measures that help. I wear glasses mostly just to protect my eyes from debris and stuff that could knock out my one good eye.
But before I get into the main issue, some background: My family has a long heritage of military service, on both my mom and dad's sides. Army, navy, air force, etc. Some of my earliest memories are of watching my dad leave on deployment when he was with the carrier fleet. I knew from the start what I wanted to do. I wanted to serve in the military, in whatever capacity I could. In early 2011 I started talking with recruiters from different branches, mostly army and the navy. A few people had convinced me that there were waivers that would let me get in, that I might just be limited in what jobs I could do.
But a few days before I started my senior year of high school I got a call from my recruiter. In the end, there was nothing he could do. It was just a flat-out disqualification. I was devastated, but tried not to let it show. Things just spiraled down from there. Thought about doing something like police work, or maybe being an EMT/firefighter. Yet again, though, my vision wouldn't let me. Everything I had ever wanted to do was out of my reach. I still haven't gotten a driver's license at the age of 20 because my disorder makes it so hard.
What kills me the most though, is this sense of failure. I let my family and my country down. I wasn't good enough, and there's nothing I can do about it. I have to wake up every morning and remember that I couldn't live up to my own standards, let alone those set by those that I look up to. It's difficult for me to face my dad or uncle (who was a member of the 82nd airborne) because every time I do, I realize that I'll never be as good as them. And the biggest problem is that I love that stuff. The idea of fast-roping out of a helicopter or kicking down doors gets my blood pumping like nothing else. I'm very aware that war and military service is nothing like what it's portrayed in the media, but at the same time I feel called to do just that. And even if it wasn't "high-speed", I would give everything to be given a chance to prove myself.
But I'll never get that chance. I feel like a failure; unable to fix this problem that keeps knocking me down every time I try to get back up. I keep "settling for the next best thing", but it's not the same. I have to change the channel when a military recruitment ad comes on. Just seeing someone in uniform makes me look away. Not out of spite or jealousy, mostly shame.
I can't keep going like this. When your whole world is inseparably linked to everything you can't but wanted to be, it starts to wear you down bit by bit.
I was born with optic nerve hypoplasia in both eyes, which means that my optic nerves didn't develop normally when I was still a fetus. The right eye has it worse, leaving me legally blind in that eye and with limited (20/50) vision in the left. Current research says that it's not degenerative, but there's no corrective measures that help. I wear glasses mostly just to protect my eyes from debris and stuff that could knock out my one good eye.
But before I get into the main issue, some background: My family has a long heritage of military service, on both my mom and dad's sides. Army, navy, air force, etc. Some of my earliest memories are of watching my dad leave on deployment when he was with the carrier fleet. I knew from the start what I wanted to do. I wanted to serve in the military, in whatever capacity I could. In early 2011 I started talking with recruiters from different branches, mostly army and the navy. A few people had convinced me that there were waivers that would let me get in, that I might just be limited in what jobs I could do.
But a few days before I started my senior year of high school I got a call from my recruiter. In the end, there was nothing he could do. It was just a flat-out disqualification. I was devastated, but tried not to let it show. Things just spiraled down from there. Thought about doing something like police work, or maybe being an EMT/firefighter. Yet again, though, my vision wouldn't let me. Everything I had ever wanted to do was out of my reach. I still haven't gotten a driver's license at the age of 20 because my disorder makes it so hard.
What kills me the most though, is this sense of failure. I let my family and my country down. I wasn't good enough, and there's nothing I can do about it. I have to wake up every morning and remember that I couldn't live up to my own standards, let alone those set by those that I look up to. It's difficult for me to face my dad or uncle (who was a member of the 82nd airborne) because every time I do, I realize that I'll never be as good as them. And the biggest problem is that I love that stuff. The idea of fast-roping out of a helicopter or kicking down doors gets my blood pumping like nothing else. I'm very aware that war and military service is nothing like what it's portrayed in the media, but at the same time I feel called to do just that. And even if it wasn't "high-speed", I would give everything to be given a chance to prove myself.
But I'll never get that chance. I feel like a failure; unable to fix this problem that keeps knocking me down every time I try to get back up. I keep "settling for the next best thing", but it's not the same. I have to change the channel when a military recruitment ad comes on. Just seeing someone in uniform makes me look away. Not out of spite or jealousy, mostly shame.
I can't keep going like this. When your whole world is inseparably linked to everything you can't but wanted to be, it starts to wear you down bit by bit.