Online dating help

[Erevetot]

1) I maybe bieng an ******* now, but i think that after bieng alone for a long time you just "fell in love" in the first person you felt some kind of connection to. I may even call it a crash. But its up to you to decide.

2) long distance realations are a really bad idea, trust me im dealing with it now, you may be thinking of her and you miss her, so you think that its good thing, but without a real interaction it will just get harder to be away from her.

3) Youre in for a tough time my friend so you either get over it or be crushed by it. My advice to forget someone is to find someone else, you dont have to love her or have any feelings for her. But she needs to be there, near you... Someone you can concitrate on.

31?! Really?! Nicccceeeeee

1) It could be something like that. Though, I had the "option" to do something with other girls, and just never got attracted to that idea. She had everything i like in a woman, looks and character wise. She initiated the whole thing, and "promised" we're gonna work and that we'll make it and be together and she'll never leave etc. So after that security, and the initial connection, I let myself fall for her fully. The first while she made me feel great and loved, and I loved her too.

2) First time I try a long distance relation, or anything with a person i never met. I never used any dating sites, or blind dating, all my dates/relationships had been with girls i met and knew. The relationship was hard, and it feels weird and pathetic to not be able to get over a woman i never met

3)I was thinking of that. There is a great girl that confessed her love towards me, and if i didnt feel so bad I'd be with her. But now im scared. I dont feel anything other than normal feelings for her, and I know that I'll be a burden to her.
I also dont know if i need to get over my ex first and then focus on my issues, or fix my issues and then I'll be able to move on. I was in the bottom of a dark pit. My ex threw a rope down and pulled me up. 1/3 of the way up though, she got tired and stopped pulling, she threw the whole rope in the pit and left. So i'm stuck there, on my way up but still so far, so close to the bottom

I'm 21, but people tell me I think and sometimes look like im 30.
It's funny that our age difference made us be together. After a discussion about her being old but looking good, she said that she's 10 years older but she'd be with me and that she finds it weird. i told her it's not as I'd be with her too, confessed having crushes on each other, and we started it


thank you for taking time to read and reply, it really helps

 

[EveWasFramed]

so, I was proven wrong by a friend. I miss her way too much, she's still creeping in my thoughts, I keep catching myself wanting to text her something, so badly, but im not

How am i supossed to move on? To fully get over her? To get her out of my head?

last night it was proven to me that faking it's all ok doesnt work. Sadly, saying to myself I dont miss her and i dont care anymore isnt helping. Im trying to fill my time with other things, but my depression just kicks me down and fully demotivates me

How can I move on? I know that as time passes it'll go away etc, but I really need to do something myself as well, I really cant be feeling like that for longer, it stops me from everything, from trying to make me better

Can you not see her passive/aggressive behavior?
I cannot stress this enough, even though I've already said before...

CUT CONTACT. You will never get past this (her) if you don't. Block her number. In my opinion, she is just using you until SHE is ready to let you go. For your own emotional and mental well-being....DROP her.

 

[Erevetot]

so, I was proven wrong by a friend. I miss her way too much, she's still creeping in my thoughts, I keep catching myself wanting to text her something, so badly, but im not

How am i supossed to move on? To fully get over her? To get her out of my head?

last night it was proven to me that faking it's all ok doesnt work. Sadly, saying to myself I dont miss her and i dont care anymore isnt helping. Im trying to fill my time with other things, but my depression just kicks me down and fully demotivates me

How can I move on? I know that as time passes it'll go away etc, but I really need to do something myself as well, I really cant be feeling like that for longer, it stops me from everything, from trying to make me better

Can you not see her passive/aggressive behavior?
I cannot stress this enough, even though I've already said before...

CUT CONTACT. You will never get past this (her) if you don't. Block her number. In my opinion, she is just using you until SHE is ready to let you go. For your own emotional and mental well-being....DROP her.

I did, for the most part. I even clearly toid her that if she wants us to be friends at some point, i need some time off to work on my feelings. first she said yes, then the whole "i miss you, i feel sick to not know what you do" rant. but i didnt reply.
We havent spoke on the phone for a month, and on skype/texting for a week. before that, I was avoiding her, i just cracked and replied twice.

i even left the forums we met on,even if it meant on the downfall of the group i devoted my last 2 years on, even if it meant that I leave the only thing that made my life fun the last 2 years. im still logging on that forum every now and then, but im not active, i just spend 5 minutes to see if there is anything important i missed, and i leave, i dont see what she posts etc

 

[African_weasel]

so, I was proven wrong by a friend. I miss her way too much, she's still creeping in my thoughts, I keep catching myself wanting to text her something, so badly, but im not

How am i supossed to move on? To fully get over her? To get her out of my head?

last night it was proven to me that faking it's all ok doesnt work. Sadly, saying to myself I dont miss her and i dont care anymore isnt helping. Im trying to fill my time with other things, but my depression just kicks me down and fully demotivates me

How can I move on? I know that as time passes it'll go away etc, but I really need to do something myself as well, I really cant be feeling like that for longer, it stops me from everything, from trying to make me better

Can you not see her passive/aggressive behavior?
I cannot stress this enough, even though I've already said before...

CUT CONTACT. You will never get past this (her) if you don't. Block her number. In my opinion, she is just using you until SHE is ready to let you go. For your own emotional and mental well-being....DROP her.

Passive aggressive people have got to be the worse because that how a lot of people are theses days. I even catch myself from doing it from time to time. If people weren't manipulating eachother as much as they are now I think we would be living better lives.

 

[ABrokenMan]

Long distance relationships can work initially, as long as both partners are upfront & honest.
Most important - if it is to be considered something more than casual, one person HAS to be willing to relocate.
to simply dismiss this aspect as unrealstistic, etc shows ignorance on the part of the person who thinks this way.
Of course, having a virtual relationship can be stressing and painful when one party refuses / delays / blows off opportunities to meet face to face. Virtual relationships, in my view, are not really anything but words on a screen. Actions have to be considered, and you can only establish the realism once two people meet. I've read stories of heartbreak from people that had an on-line long distance relationship for YEARS despite never having met the other person. That is just wrong. It's all in the mind.

As for me, my own quirks, interests, and stuff are not viable to be with just anyone seeking a relationship. I am definitely not a mainstream type kinda guy, that's for sure. I have to look beyond my immediate vicinity for a girl / woman. I know myself well enough that it makes no sense to try and become involved with someone who has completely different interests and views as I do. And that requires the willingness to find someone in the distance.

 

[EveWasFramed]

Passive aggressive people have got to be the worse because that how a lot of people are theses days. I even catch myself from doing it from time to time. If people weren't manipulating eachother as much as they are now I think we would be living better lives.

The bad thing is, not everyone who does it actually realizes they're doing it.

---

Long distance relationships can work initially, as long as both partners are upfront & honest.
Most important - if it is to be considered something more than casual, one person HAS to be willing to relocate.
to simply dismiss this aspect as unrealstistic, etc shows ignorance on the part of the person who thinks this way.
Of course, having a virtual relationship can be stressing and painful when one party refuses / delays / blows off opportunities to meet face to face. Virtual relationships, in my view, are not really anything but words on a screen. Actions have to be considered, and you can only establish the realism once two people meet. I've read stories of heartbreak from people that had an on-line long distance relationship for YEARS despite never having met the other person. That is just wrong. It's all in the mind.

Yup...there's needs to be a plan (eventually) for something permanent or it's really pointless. Great post.

 

[Nicholas]

Long distance relationships can work initially, as long as both partners are upfront & honest.
Most important - if it is to be considered something more than casual, one person HAS to be willing to relocate.
to simply dismiss this aspect as unrealstistic, etc shows ignorance on the part of the person who thinks this way.

My english isntball that good so if you can explain what aspect you talking about...

 

[ABrokenMan]

Ok, well...

You are not in a relationship - long distance or nearby - unless you have met the other person face to face.
Exchanging texts, e- mails, even talking on the phone or skype is a nice and easy way to facilitate getting to know someone.
It does not mean you are in a relationship beyond that of virtual friendship, no matter how may times you say I love you, I'm yours, you have my heart forever....whatever your own favorite affectionate saying might be.
The other person might be hiding something, playing games, or not be the person you think they are.

For a real relationship you HAVE to meet the other person.

 

[Case]

Long distance relationships can work initially, as long as both partners are upfront & honest.
Most important - if it is to be considered something more than casual, one person HAS to be willing to relocate.
to simply dismiss this aspect as unrealstistic, etc shows ignorance on the part of the person who thinks this way.
Of course, having a virtual relationship can be stressing and painful when one party refuses / delays / blows off opportunities to meet face to face. Virtual relationships, in my view, are not really anything but words on a screen. Actions have to be considered, and you can only establish the realism once two people meet. I've read stories of heartbreak from people that had an on-line long distance relationship for YEARS despite never having met the other person. That is just wrong. It's all in the mind.

Yup...there's needs to be a plan (eventually) for something permanent or it's really pointless. Great post.

I agree with ABrokenMan's post. I was in an online friendship, but as soon as we both expressed feelings for each other, I booked the next flight out to see her, and we were both excited, but a bit nervous. When we met at the airport for the first time, it was the closest I had ever felt to being in a sweeping Hollywood movie romance. I will never forget that moment.

Anyway, I traveled to see her several times, and she even flew my way to visit me. But neither of us was willing to relocate, and I knew then that the relationship was doomed, so we broke up. Hard reality sometimes smacks you in the face, and this was one of those times.

If anyone reading this is in an online romantic relationship, it's only a fantasy until you meet and make it reality. Also, it's not going to work if neither of you are willing to move to be closer to the other.

 

[Erevetot]

I completely understand that, and that's one of the main reasons I started this thread back then. I never tried something like that before, so it was scary. We had some talks about what we'd do if when she come visit me I didnt like her as she is not
pretty. Well, for me she is, she has some extra weight and different facial features, but in my eyes she's gorgeous, I know that my friends for example wouldnt like her. She was scared I'll find her too fat and not like her etc, i explained to her that that'll never happen.

We tried to make it look casual, we knew each other for a long time, so when we expressed our feelings we decided we should know each other more, we spent 3 days talking abgout us and asking each other questions. We matched on everything, love/sex/thoughts/opinions even on politics, we've both been arrested for protesting against facism and fighting/knocking out a couple when they tried to break it.
We were even sending pictures to each other when we did something other than just chilling, to make it feel normal and like we were close. And im not talking about nudes, that happened too, yes, but we were "spending our days together".
We were chatting 24/7 so there was no room for lying or cheating etc. She told me that im young and she doesnt want me to miss out on sex, so if i felt i needed to have some, she wouldnt mind if i slept with someone, and swore on her dead father that she wont flirt/sleep/whatever with anyone while we got something going on. Bit creepy, but I promised back I wouldnt do anything with anyone else.

We had plans to meet, and considering she is 31, she had more serious plans for us. She was supposed to spend these weeks with me, come the previous week and stay this and maybe the next one too. Then, she was gonna fly in february again to spend valentines and her bday together, and after that I was gonna visit her in March, and then we would spent 2 months of the summer at her place. After that, I could apply for a scholarship thing in my uni and spend 6 months in her country, close enough to her place that I could stay there instead of finding roomates etc.

She rushed it a lot, she made plans for us 3 days in the relationship, but I didnt mind. She even had talks about kids etc, not to have now, but in the future. She was planning for us to work out and be something more, and I was willing to relocate, my plan is to leave my country anyways at some point.


As I said, the distance is what was hurting me at first. While she was loving me like crazy, i was too busy worrying for us, distnace and me not being enough. When I finally calmed down and showed her how much I love her, it was too late, all the honeysuckle happened.

I've seen the same story work in the past. A group i was in 4 years ago, a girl from israel and a guy from the US feel in love, and he actually bought her tickets to move in with him. I talked to them last 2 years ago, they were actually married


Anyways, I probably seem like "a silly teen in love that expected everything to be beautifull and spend their lives together like in a fairytale". Well, it felt like it, having a beautifull and awesome woman being in love with me!


Well, thing is I need to move on now. In one hand, not meeting her hurts me as I know I'll never be able to kiss her, hug her, touch her, smell her etc etc etc. In the other hand though, it may be easier to move on as I never did all these things, so I dont know how it'd feel and I'll miss it less?

I dont know

 

[Nicholas]

Ok, well...

You are not in a relationship - long distance or nearby - unless you have met the other person face to face.
Exchanging texts, e- mails, even talking on the phone or skype is a nice and easy way to facilitate getting to know someone.
It does not mean you are in a relationship beyond that of virtual friendship, no matter how may times you say I love you, I'm yours, you have my heart forever....whatever your own favorite affectionate saying might be.
The other person might be hiding something, playing games, or not be the person you think they are.

For a real relationship you HAVE to meet the other person.

One thing that i think i should add... even if you met this person face to face, and you decide to meet every week or two weeks or even a month, you really need to dedicate your self to the idea that its the only time you get to meet.
Over time, it just becomes harder to wait until your next meeting.

 

[ABrokenMan]

I hate to burst your illusion bubble, but you cannot say for certain that she was truly interested in the relationship.
She could be just toying with you, playing a virtual romance game to satisfy her need for validation.
I kept a virtual romance going for many months. The girl claimed I was her perfect match. Yet she kept blowing off meetup suggestions. Turns out I discovered her lying about her personal life, thanks to her fiance intercepting her text and e-mail messages by accident then contacting me in anger. I had no idea she was engaged. None.
Until you meet the person at the other end, you cannot be certain the person they claim to be virtually is truly who they say they are.

 

[Erevetot]

I hate to burst your illusion bubble, but you cannot say for certain that she was truly interested in the relationship.
She could be just toying with you, playing a virtual romance game to satisfy her need for validation.
I kept a virtual romance going for many months. The girl claimed I was her perfect match. Yet she kept blowing off meetup suggestions. Turns out I discovered her lying about her personal life, thanks to her fiance intercepting her text and e-mail messages by accident then contacting me in anger. I had no idea she was engaged. None.
Until you meet the person at the other end, you cannot be certain the person they claim to be virtually is truly who they say they are.

You have a valid point. You could be right, she could have just been playing with me, thoughts like these were what didnt allow me to enjoy it since the begginning, that she had absolutely no reason to dedicate herself to me etc. That's one of the reasons I made this thread, me being insecure about stuff like that, that Im not good, so she had no real reason to be with me and waste her time, that it was all fake.

I dont think she had someone else, she is/was like me, having issues as well, and using gaming and that community to relax. For while it lasted she literally spent her whole time with me, texting while in work, phone when she was going home, and then skype and teamspeak (voice communicating software) to chat and/or game. and even before/after me she spent her time in the community we were members as she is an admin in its staff, with a lot of work to do. I fell her love before I fell for her, I could hear it in her voice, she was always different while talking to me, and not in a fake way, I cant explain it.

Also, she is the one that initiated it and before that she thought I disliked her (as I was too introverted to befriend anyone). As she's a woman, 2 other guys were hitting on her and she could have easily played with them instead of spending time chasing me, but she always turned them down and even told me that she wants to play the video game with me so we do stuff together, so we can play with whoever I want, even if it meant splitting her from others. Of course I didnt tell her to stop or anything, as I didnt mind. She could easily get the feeling of validation from others, but she didnt.
And I'm not gorgeous, or a great catch, and while im known in the community, I was known to be the "rebel", the one that should have been banned long ago, its not like she'd gain anything from me. I dont see why she'd chase me and spend so much time with me unless she actually liked me and felt things for me.

Of course, she could be texting others etc as she did with me, but she's not that kind of person, from what some people from the community tell me, she actually seems sad and hurt since we ended it, she used to be a beacon of happiness and positivity, and now she's sad and almost un-aproachable. Also, since we broke up she's playing only with other female members

Anyways, even if she did lie etc, it doesnt matter now as its over and i just need to move on, I dont want to know what was real or not as overthinking about her will not help me get over her

Thank you for your input though, it's really something important and possible. Now it's too late to worry about it etc, I think it's better if i never know!

 

[Erevetot]

an example of my current situation. Right now, I miss her A LOT. I can barely hold myself from texting her something. I have no idea why. I didnt talk to her, she didnt send anything, I didnt read any posts or anything. There is absolutely no change, but still I feel that I really need her right now.

All these days I was acting like i didnt need her but just a person to be there for me. Today I can feel it, it's her that I miss, not what she represents

A friend told me that I cant get over someone so quickly. We broke up a month+ ago, and until 1 week ago we kept saying to each other how much we love us etc, so I guess it's still fresh. I just dont know how i can move on. Im ignoring her, avoiding stuff that remind me of her, but she still comes back in my mind everynow and then. I just dont get how i could feel so much for a person i never met, how it can hurt so much, and how i can still be so attatched to a person i never met


anyways, im sorry if i post too much or if im whining, but these forums are literaly the only thing i got to hold on these days, everything else involves her or is not even close to interesting enough to help me

 

[ABrokenMan]

We can listen / read and offer support.
However, you need to stay no contact and give yourself time.

 

[Erevetot]

We can listen / read and offer support.
However, you need to stay no contact and give yourself time.

I cut every contact, I keep wanting to do it, but i wont. I know i really miss her. But im forcing myself to think that i miss having someone and not her. We went from chatting 24/7 to not talking at all, and she was the only person/friend i had, so im trying to force myself to believe that I miss having someone to chat with, no matter how wrong it is

 

[ABrokenMan]

Proceed at your own peril.

 

[Erevetot]

again, thanks to everyone that posted here. It really helps, even if Im not feeling that much better, knowing that some people may relate and that im not broken but thats how (bad) relationships go/are, and love etc

I'll be posting more of course, but thanks so far <3

 

[African_weasel]

If she's talking about having kids and getting married and you haven't met face to face then she's telling you that she's crazy

 

[Erevetot]

If she's talking about having kids and getting married and you haven't met face to face then she's telling you that she's crazy

I know, that was weird and rushed. She said it in a "since we'll be together, I want kids at some point" way, as she's 31, like she's informing me that she wants to be with me forever so she wants me to know that she wants kids.
But I didnt really mind tbh, I want kids and to get married at some point too, and if we hadnt broke up, today she'd be living my place to go back to her country, and in 6 months we'd be living close to each other, fully testing the relationship etc
Thing is we both fell for each other really hard, we both had/have our issues, and we've both been single for a long time. We related to each other a lot, so we loved each other a lot and lost our minds I mean, 3 days in she was making plans to come meet me, she took it seriously and I liked it. That's why I thought I was messed up, because she was taking it seriously and I felt that I'm too young and useless for it.

Anyways, it's still fully over, and tbh the last 2 days I'm feeling a bit better, stronger and on a path to fully leave her behind. I still kinda miss her, but in a weird way, in a "it'd be nice to have her" way, not in a "I ******* NEED HER" way!


Plus an old girlfriend of mine, that we've stayed good friends as we go along great, told me a friend of hers I met 3 months ago likes me and wants to meet me again, and "forced" me on a date tomorrow. Normally I'd deny it, I don't feel ready for dating, I dont feel like I can pull it off, but I'll go, I'll follow her advice on "get over love with new love". I know I wont match with her friend and that we'll end up doing nothing, but I need to "get back in the game" as I havent properly flirted etc without the girl initiating, for about a year.