Sceptical1
Active member
- Joined
- Aug 24, 2009
- Messages
- 26
- Reaction score
- 0
First off, my apologies for only posting on this forum about once a year. I plan to make an effort to become more active in the community because I can honestly say I hold the utmost respect for everyone I have corresponded with here for the past few years. Everyone is very welcoming, I hope to be of some help to anyone here who should need it.
Now onto my post, which I'm not sure is exactly an issue, I'd just like some thoughts on it. I graduated high school on the 8th. I was accepted (to my surprise, I've never made much of an effort to maintain good grades) to a nice private college in Georgia. A good friend of mine applied after I told him about the school; he was intrigued. He's a very ambitious person, me not quite so much. We toured the school together over our spring break and decided we would go together as roommates. I've never really enjoyed school, socially or academically. Nevertheless, I was excited to experience college and live independently. I think, maybe I was excited for the wrong reasons. I think in the west, we value education for the end result and not the opportunity it provides. More on that later.
I don't remember if I've already discussed this in my previous posts, but I live alone with my mother. She was laid off over two years ago now and her unemployment benefits have run out. She occasionally gets consulting jobs, which is how we've managed to stay afloat. I've known that in order for me to go to college I'd need some very good aid. I've never been a very exemplary student or athlete, so I didn't qualify for many scholarships. My only real hope was FAFSA. Unfortunately my mother ran into some trouble with the state over taxes in February (not entirely her fault). The state froze her bank account and mine, since it was in her name. All our money was gone, luckily she received a check in the mail from a consulting job a few days later. She won't be able to open an account in her name until she pays the state all the money she allegedly owes them and they've even gone as far as to garnish a portion of her paychecks from her part time job at the grocery store. All our money is in an account in my name. The FAFSA forms require detailed tax information. Hers is so messed up she wasn't able to file the forms at all.
My mother keeps telling me things will work out and I'll be going to college in the fall, but she's only kidding herself. I don't think she wants to accept reality. I think she feels like a failure. I don’t see her that way, and I think that these circumstances are basically beyond her control. Maybe she thinks I’ll take out tons of loans, but I’m not willing to do that, after what I’ve seen I think loans aren’t financially secure and only subject to get worse. I think my mom needs me, I help her pay bills with the money I make at my job. Without me at home, I don’t think she’ll survive financially or emotionally and I don’t feel right leaving her alone. I’m afraid to tell her, but I plan to stay at home this year.
To be honest, I have a feeling this may actually be what was supposed to happen. I’m not sure how thrilled I was about going to college this year. I think it may be the wrong decision for the wrong reasons. My whole life has been centered around school thus far, surviving academics, adhering to rules, creating and maintaining relationships. I was never as successful at any of this as most of my classmates. I don’t know that higher education is right for me as most other people feel is right for them, at least not yet. I think many young people rush into education and focus on everything but what they’re paying for. I’m probably the same, I’m afraid that education may be wasted on me as my high school education was. Maybe my situation is just a sign that I’m not ready yet, and maybe I never will be. At this point I couldn’t really say.
I have many things I wish I could do with my life, and most of them are pretty difficult to achieve. I don’t think I’ll be happy with myself until I’ve at least attempted a few of my them. Instead of going to school this year I’m considering taking guitar lessons and piano lessons because I’ve always been into music and I’d like to improve my playing. I’m already working on recording an album that I’m close to half way done with. I’d also really like look into private martial arts lessons, partly for self defense and partly because I’m interested in the dedication and creativity it takes to develop proficiency in something like that. I’m sort of afraid that the lessons would end up being something like Rexkwondo though
. I also have a friend who is trying to become a comedian, and the two of us may work together on several skits in our free time. I’d like to try to get about 30 hours at work as well each week, and I’d kind of like it to be a regular schedule though I’m not sure whether that’s realistic. I work at Papa John’s and it’s a good job, but for some reason I’m not content with it. It is minimum wage, so I know I can expect frustration. For some reason I’m getting increasingly dissatisfied though. I don’t own a car, and the store is about 3 miles away from our apartment. Often times I find myself walking to work. And lately my hours have been steadily decreasing. There’s a Domino’s literally right next to our apartment complex, and they told my mom they could hire me around the end of July and offer 30 hours a week. That would make my life much easier. At the same time though, Papa John’s has treated me really well and a lot of the people there are really nice. I have a sense that maybe I’d be leaving a great opportunity behind by switching to Domino’s and I’m not really sure why, though I do know leaving my job for a competitor isn’t very loyal. I’m sure an internal struggle about which pizza place I should work at sounds silly to most of you, but that’s just how it is for me. I don’t know if I should go with what I feel would be right or by impulse.
I want to change the way I live my life from how I have been living it. My high school is about 25 miles from where I live (I was a magnet student) and there was no school bus that ran there. Often times I’d have to take 3 or 4 city buses to get there and somewhere in the middle of that I’d still have to walk a considerable distance to get there. Most school events would easily be 10 miles away from me. I’ve found a martial arts school and a music studio within half a mile from where I live and then there’s the job at Domino’s. I could walk everywhere, and pretty much never go beyond a one mile radius. I don’t wanna travel into the city anymore or deal with all the people, I want to stay in one place for once and see what it’s like. I also want to grow out my hair. Strange I know, but I think I should try growing out beyond my shoulders at least once in my life. I plan to exercise more often too, but then who doesn’t? I also want to start reading up on subjects that interest me, maybe someday I’ll even read The Elegant Universe. I’m not sure where my friendships stand, I feel that many people will go away to college and forget me and if they do I guess I’m better off without them anyway. I haven’t talked to many of my friends for the past few weeks because I’ve been tired of them.
So I don’t know if this is just my subconscious’ way of compensating for staying here, and I don’t how much of this will really happen. What do you think though? Sorry, I know this post is long and encompasses a lot, I'd just like some input.
Now onto my post, which I'm not sure is exactly an issue, I'd just like some thoughts on it. I graduated high school on the 8th. I was accepted (to my surprise, I've never made much of an effort to maintain good grades) to a nice private college in Georgia. A good friend of mine applied after I told him about the school; he was intrigued. He's a very ambitious person, me not quite so much. We toured the school together over our spring break and decided we would go together as roommates. I've never really enjoyed school, socially or academically. Nevertheless, I was excited to experience college and live independently. I think, maybe I was excited for the wrong reasons. I think in the west, we value education for the end result and not the opportunity it provides. More on that later.
I don't remember if I've already discussed this in my previous posts, but I live alone with my mother. She was laid off over two years ago now and her unemployment benefits have run out. She occasionally gets consulting jobs, which is how we've managed to stay afloat. I've known that in order for me to go to college I'd need some very good aid. I've never been a very exemplary student or athlete, so I didn't qualify for many scholarships. My only real hope was FAFSA. Unfortunately my mother ran into some trouble with the state over taxes in February (not entirely her fault). The state froze her bank account and mine, since it was in her name. All our money was gone, luckily she received a check in the mail from a consulting job a few days later. She won't be able to open an account in her name until she pays the state all the money she allegedly owes them and they've even gone as far as to garnish a portion of her paychecks from her part time job at the grocery store. All our money is in an account in my name. The FAFSA forms require detailed tax information. Hers is so messed up she wasn't able to file the forms at all.
My mother keeps telling me things will work out and I'll be going to college in the fall, but she's only kidding herself. I don't think she wants to accept reality. I think she feels like a failure. I don’t see her that way, and I think that these circumstances are basically beyond her control. Maybe she thinks I’ll take out tons of loans, but I’m not willing to do that, after what I’ve seen I think loans aren’t financially secure and only subject to get worse. I think my mom needs me, I help her pay bills with the money I make at my job. Without me at home, I don’t think she’ll survive financially or emotionally and I don’t feel right leaving her alone. I’m afraid to tell her, but I plan to stay at home this year.
To be honest, I have a feeling this may actually be what was supposed to happen. I’m not sure how thrilled I was about going to college this year. I think it may be the wrong decision for the wrong reasons. My whole life has been centered around school thus far, surviving academics, adhering to rules, creating and maintaining relationships. I was never as successful at any of this as most of my classmates. I don’t know that higher education is right for me as most other people feel is right for them, at least not yet. I think many young people rush into education and focus on everything but what they’re paying for. I’m probably the same, I’m afraid that education may be wasted on me as my high school education was. Maybe my situation is just a sign that I’m not ready yet, and maybe I never will be. At this point I couldn’t really say.
I have many things I wish I could do with my life, and most of them are pretty difficult to achieve. I don’t think I’ll be happy with myself until I’ve at least attempted a few of my them. Instead of going to school this year I’m considering taking guitar lessons and piano lessons because I’ve always been into music and I’d like to improve my playing. I’m already working on recording an album that I’m close to half way done with. I’d also really like look into private martial arts lessons, partly for self defense and partly because I’m interested in the dedication and creativity it takes to develop proficiency in something like that. I’m sort of afraid that the lessons would end up being something like Rexkwondo though
. I also have a friend who is trying to become a comedian, and the two of us may work together on several skits in our free time. I’d like to try to get about 30 hours at work as well each week, and I’d kind of like it to be a regular schedule though I’m not sure whether that’s realistic. I work at Papa John’s and it’s a good job, but for some reason I’m not content with it. It is minimum wage, so I know I can expect frustration. For some reason I’m getting increasingly dissatisfied though. I don’t own a car, and the store is about 3 miles away from our apartment. Often times I find myself walking to work. And lately my hours have been steadily decreasing. There’s a Domino’s literally right next to our apartment complex, and they told my mom they could hire me around the end of July and offer 30 hours a week. That would make my life much easier. At the same time though, Papa John’s has treated me really well and a lot of the people there are really nice. I have a sense that maybe I’d be leaving a great opportunity behind by switching to Domino’s and I’m not really sure why, though I do know leaving my job for a competitor isn’t very loyal. I’m sure an internal struggle about which pizza place I should work at sounds silly to most of you, but that’s just how it is for me. I don’t know if I should go with what I feel would be right or by impulse. I want to change the way I live my life from how I have been living it. My high school is about 25 miles from where I live (I was a magnet student) and there was no school bus that ran there. Often times I’d have to take 3 or 4 city buses to get there and somewhere in the middle of that I’d still have to walk a considerable distance to get there. Most school events would easily be 10 miles away from me. I’ve found a martial arts school and a music studio within half a mile from where I live and then there’s the job at Domino’s. I could walk everywhere, and pretty much never go beyond a one mile radius. I don’t wanna travel into the city anymore or deal with all the people, I want to stay in one place for once and see what it’s like. I also want to grow out my hair. Strange I know, but I think I should try growing out beyond my shoulders at least once in my life. I plan to exercise more often too, but then who doesn’t? I also want to start reading up on subjects that interest me, maybe someday I’ll even read The Elegant Universe. I’m not sure where my friendships stand, I feel that many people will go away to college and forget me and if they do I guess I’m better off without them anyway. I haven’t talked to many of my friends for the past few weeks because I’ve been tired of them.
So I don’t know if this is just my subconscious’ way of compensating for staying here, and I don’t how much of this will really happen. What do you think though? Sorry, I know this post is long and encompasses a lot, I'd just like some input.
